It’s Oscar season, and every person who’s ever seen a movie thinks they know what’s up when it comes to predicting the winners. Alas, sometimes what seems like the obvious choice doesn’t end up with the coveted golden statue that every immodest asshole has to complain is “so heavy”.
But don’t fret if your Oscar Prediction Ballot is full of disappointment. There are some things that we can all accurately predict about the Oscars. I’ve decided to share with you a few things you can realistically bet on during this year’s Academy Awards Show to diffuse some anxiety.
1. Ellen will dance. Probably a lot. Because that’s what she does. She makes jokes and dances and invites talented children from YouTube to appear on her show.
2. Jennifer Lawrence will do something adorable and everyone on every social media platform will talk about how much they love her and maybe even talk to each other in real life about it because she is that adorable.
3. Much like in Wolf of Wall Street, a bunch of attractive people will do coke off each other with $500 bills at the after and probably pre-parties (and probably in the bathroom during the show).
4. Someone will make a joke about Amy Adams’s cleavage/side boob in American Hustle.
5. The actor award winners will give really long speeches where they thank everyone and their cat but the composers and sound editors will get the speech-cut-off music after like 10 seconds.
6. Someone will make a joke about Sandra Bullock’s loud panting in Gravity.
7. Someone will make a joke about Meryl Streep’s 3 previous Oscar wins and 15 other nominations and basically her just being perfect and awesome.
8. Frozen will win Best Animated Feature. I know this is a real prediction, but seriously. Frozen will win.
9. Like, one person you know will have seen Philomena by this time.
10. Someone will struggle to open the envelope for a few seconds too long and awkwardly acknowledge it.
11. Joaquin Phoenix will do or say or think something that makes everyone really uncomfortable and wonder whether or not he is joking.
12. Frozen will win Best Original Song with Let It Go BECAUSE IT HAS TO.
Enjoy the 86th annual Academy Awards and may you not have to endure that one friend who announces what their own predictions are right before the envelopes get opened.