(via nusports.com)
Northwestern University recently sent out an email with the five ideas proposed for the ASG 10K initiative, a program that gives the student body an opportunity to invest $10,000 to improve life around campus. However, I, the esteemed Reverend Turlington, frankly don’t like any of the ideas very much at all. $10,000 on Christmas lights? Come on. Here are 20 better things NU could do with $10,000:
- Offer live entertainment in the dining halls
- Construct a statue of Frances Willard
- Found a campus newspaper to compete with the Daily Northwestern to drive down the Daily’s outrageous prices
- Purchase thousands of condoms to be thrown in a random professor’s yard
- Place giant 24k gold letters that spell out “YOLOSWAG” on top of Tech
- Get a Rolex to be shared amongst all 8,000 undergrads
- Obtain exclusive rights to the song “Shape of My Heart” by Sting
- Buy 40,000 gumballs
- Bring Northwestern into the 19th century by installing cotton gins in major buildings
- Put more pool tables in the Norris game room
- Pay off the homeless people outside CVS
- Purchase an Amana® 1.0 Cubic Foot 2200 Watt Keypad Deluxe Commercial Microwave
- Start a collegiate chapter of “Young Money Cash Money Billionaires”
- Fund my mission trip to Greenland to help build homes for impoverished Greenlanders
- Put 10,000 $1 bills into a giant tub, then allow students to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck once a week
- Install a campus cigar shoppe
- Replace all the Scott brand toilet paper on campus with a sturdier, 20-ply toilet paper
- Put the $10,000 into a checking account, write 20,000 50¢ checks, go to a strip club, and make it rain 50¢ checks on the strippers
- Pay for 1/24 of 1 student’s cost of going to Northwestern
- Purchase advertising space on sherman-ave.com
Sherman Ave 
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