18 “DM” Alternatives

8 Mar
DM Pic

(via Vimeo)

Dance Marathon.  If you’re reading this, you’re not doing it.*  Welcome to the eerily apocalyptic Northwestern campus mid-DM.  The only difference is that the people who constantly update their profile pictures and statuses are the ones who are gone, and as long as you don’t check Instagram you won’t see the stream of sweat and grime – until the Facebook albums go up.  Not doing DM is great because all the people you don’t like on campus are in one big tent for a whole day, and you just get to run around!

I have faith in you, charity-less Ave readers.  So our R&D team here came up with some alternative DMs for you to do over the next day instead:

Drunk Marathon – See here.

Derive Math – For the engineers/smarties out there, now’s the time to really see if Newton had his shit figured out.  I also highly recommend looking into the Lagrange Multiplier Theory, a personal favorite.

Do MushroomsFor those who are psychedelically inclined, this involved a 30-hour period of taking mushrooms and just, well… doing whatever comes next.

DayQuil Marathon – Everyone you know is sick.  To be honest, this works pretty well as a preventative measure.

Dig Manholes – The infrastructure at this school is horrible.  The least we can do is help out.


Data Models – This could involve one of two things.  1— Creating graphs and plots for industrial plants and manufacturing needs, or 2— covering beautiful people with computer coding.

Dank Marathon – Pot.

Delta Modulation – Go through the process of digital-to-analog audio signal conversion, the simplest form of differential pulse-code modulation where quality is not of primary importance.

Dick Munch – This could involve anything from actual phalluses to these, and everything in between.

IM TELLING YOU THEY’RE WATCHING US MAN (Delusional Marathon) – Involves very little energy, sadness, and schizophrenia.

Dungeon Master – Now nobody can judge you for wanting to play D&D.  Get cracking, nerd.

Dinosaur Marathon – Become your favorite dinosaur and just have at it.  Note: this may happen naturally after the Do Mushrooms block.

Drunken Mistakes – Great follow-up for Drunk Marathon.  Text all exes, go down on someone behind the deuce, do any act you’d consider doing for a Klondike© bar.

Deutsche Mark – Revel in the glory days of German currency with this 1948-2002 classic.

Death Match –  Think The Most Dangerous Game.  Fight to the death on an island – say, the Lakefill – winner gets to sleep in the loser’s bed.  And run from the police and indictments of murder.

Davis-Monthan – Davis–Monthan Air Force Base is a United States Air Force base located within the city limits, and approximately 8.0 km south-southeast of downtown, Tucson, Arizona. The host unit at Davis–Monthan is the 355th Fighter Wing (355 FW) assigned to Twelfth Air Force, which is part of Air Combat Command (ACC). The 355 FW and various tenant units located on base provide A-10 Thunderbolt II close air support; OA-10 forward air controllers; air liaison officers; EC-130 command, control and communications warfare; air control radar; combat search and rescue; and combat support forces to unified commanders. The 355 FW also provides initial and recurrency flying training to all U.S. Air Force A/OA-10 and EC-130 pilots and crews; and is the ACC’s executive agent for INF and START treaty compliance. Although under ACC, it is best known for its role as the location of the Air Force Materiel Command‘s 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group (AMARG), better known as the sole aircraft boneyard for all excess military and government aircraft, as its location allows for preservation of the aircraft.

Dance Marathon – You may be a piece of shit for not being involved in DM – let me take that back, you certainly are – but you should know a good cause and an incredible feat when you see one.  For the last block of alternative DM, go see real DM.  Your DayQuil/Mushroom/Ganja combination will be in total effect, but the least we can do is cheer on the crazies that went through the past 30 hours.

– Virgil Goldstaff

*If you’re reading this while doing DM, get back to work raising money.  Do you not care enough to pay attention?

One Response to “18 “DM” Alternatives”

  1. anonymous March 9, 2014 at 12:20 am #

    fantastic piece! go U! NU!!!1!!!1

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