How Terry Shipman Took Over the Internet

9 Mar


Terry Shipman was just your average guy. There wasn’t much to know. He lives or is from Beaumont, Texas. That’s actually all that I know about him. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this tweeting titan. But then one fateful evening, he decided to take a blowtorch to all that we knew and cherished about the Internet. This is Terry’s world, and we’re all lucky enough to live in it.

Let’s start from the beginning:

This is Terry’s first tweet ever. He seems a bit lost, but weren’t we all before Terry Shipman became who he is today? He’s desperately reaching out to his so-called son J. Michael Shipman. And he probably had no grasp on what Twitter was as a concept at this point. I’m sure Terry was devastated to learn that Kubiak is, in fact, fired. Terry has had to watch his beloved Texans go to shit. How dare you, Houston. The Texans are Terry’s team, and he’s been so consistently disappointed over the past few years that he can’t even keep track of them.

Unfortunately, Terry was still looking for answers later that day:

This is really just tough for me to see. Poor Terry. I’m sure you could just ask your son or look outside if you want to see if there is any snow or ice. But then again, I don’t know very much at all about Texas winters, so maybe it’s more difficult to decipher the weather there. Who knows; I’m not one to doubt Terry.

Terry would table his Twitter account for a while. There were no tweets between December 6 and March 4. I’d like to think that Terry was seeing the world. Brunching in the daylight and dancing in the moonlight. But after the Oscars, and the buzz surrounding selfies and retweets, Terry decides to give Twitter another shot.  And blessed be that he did:

Mic drop. It is difficult to pinpoint the exact moment of inspiration before every truly great idea, but Terry looked at this picture and saw the potential. This is no mere selfie. This is no mere tweet. No. This is greater. But it lacks the necessary promotion. No biggie for Terry, he eats shit like that for breakfast.

Let’s do it!!!! Fuck yeah!!!! We love you Terry!!!! This tweet is selling like hotcakes. That gorgeous mouth agape smile has me wishing that I could buy stock in a series of 140 characters. I bet Terry told those dogs, “Just hold on, we’re going for a ride to the top.” This is the kind of ambition that people like Terry are just born with. It hasn’t even been a week since the record was broken, but already Terry is gunning for that number one spot. God bless you, Terry.

Terry still had to shout out his day one dudes though because if you haven’t yet realized it, Terry keeps it real as fuck 24/7.

J. Michael, I don’t know you, but I’m kind of judging you. What the fuck took you so long? Terry shouldn’t have to ask you to retweet that incredible picture. You should have already done that shit on your own! Do you realize what this means for your family? I bet you don’t even appreciate having Terry fucking Shipman as your father.

Terry showing he’s the realest by giving a shout out to all of his new fans. You showed us the way, Terry. Do you think Terry is satisfied, yet? Hell no! Terry is never satisfied! Terry is a winner. He wants this wild ride to keep going. Terry is coming for you, Ellen. Believe that he is coming for you.

You’re goddamn right this is amazing! Terry is a supernova. And Vera Largo just put an offer on the table. However, Terry has not responded. My guess is that Terry realizes that he can do more. He doesn’t have to settle for the first offer of a free cruise. And couldn’t we do better than #sendterrytotheislands ? Why not something like #sendterrytotheislandsandhavehimrepopulatethatmotherfucker or #terryischrist or something like that.

There is no way of knowing for sure if Terry Shipman wanted this: the fame, the status, and the burden that comes with it. All we know is that there’s no going back. Terry Shipman is in all of our lives now. So do your part, and send Terry to the islands. If we’re lucky enough, we could get another picture of Terry with his feet up sipping on a pina colada, thinking about the world that he has made.

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