Northwestern Administration Gets Caffeine Rush, Excitedly Re-Allocates $3.75 Billion to Intangible Buzzwords

15 Mar
(via Northwestern)

(via Northwestern)

Northwestern declared that they will raise 3.75 billion dollars to improve the University after yesterday morning’s “Dollar Coffee” deal at Java Café.

There was reportedly a “Super Scholastic Brainstorm” which consisted of several administrative members pacing around the presidential office enthusiastically pitching ideas.  Reports have confirmed that the group members were thinking of ideas so fast that they did not even have time to write them all down.

Chris Combe and Adam Karr, two Co-Chairs of the initiative, reportedly consumed the most caffeine yesterday morning. Combe stated the campaign “seeks to build on the best of Northwestern and expand our extraordinary work on an even broader and deeper scale.” No explicit details were provided but the two men summed up four of the most important initiatives for which the money should be allocated, including 1.2 billion dollars to “Discovery and Creativity,” and 225 million dollars to “Global Connections.”  To further justify the cost, descriptive terms like “global hub,” and “renovation and transformation,” were used liberally.

We sat down with one of the administrative members for insight on how the group arrived at the name “We Will. The Campaign For Northwestern.”  He excitedly and rapidly recollected their progress: “It came so naturally. We kept talking about all these things we were going to do to have the best school ever. One of us would pitch something like ‘we need more research, innovation and entrepreneurship, performance and collaborative learning,’ and we’d all chant ‘We will!’ Everything was fair game!”

Thankfully, the administration is not going to charge the students, as the money will come exclusively from alumni donations. Unfortunately, tuition is still anticipated to rise by 4%, but the number is menial so long as the ‘Cats of 2020 enjoy immeasurable collegiate ideals.

One Response to “Northwestern Administration Gets Caffeine Rush, Excitedly Re-Allocates $3.75 Billion to Intangible Buzzwords”

  1. SEL March 19, 2014 at 1:40 pm #

    So this is what this “We Will” campaign’s about? I’ve only been an alum for a year and already don’t understand what the fuck is going on. Glad you clarified what Northwestern “will.” Cool, alma mater.

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