EVANSTON, Il.—Mayfest spokesman announced early Friday morning that, as per Google Doc request, the Dillo Day headliner will be Rebecca Black, a female.
“After seeing a link to a Google Doc that read ‘BRING A FEMALE ARTIST TO DILLO DAY’ throughout our newsfeed,” Mayfest spokesman Connor Dart said, “we decided it would be best to revoke Justin Timberlake’s and Kanye West’s contracts as dual-headliners in pursuit of a female artist for the all-day music festival.”
Pictured above is 2007 Dillo Day Headliner Lupe Fiasco, a male.
President of the Mayfest student group Danielle Briston echoed Dart in a Mayfest press release.
“Mayfest is devoted to putting on a successful Dillo Day and giving the students of Northwestern what they want,” Briston said. “When we saw that those unappreciative pricks were demanding a female artist, we decided to give the whiny bitches what they asked for.”
Rebecca Black expressed excitement when asked about her upcoming performance at Northwestern.
“I plan on singing my hit singles ‘Friday’ and ‘Saturday,’” the female pop star said in an exclusive interview with Sherman Ave. “I’m also really excited to perform my newest song ‘Tuesday’ for the first time.”
Student feminist group member Liz Treay was very enthusiastic about the Dillo Day headliner and showed no signs of concern that the artist lacks talent and sucks in general.
“It has been four years since a cis-female-bodied artist performed at Dillo Day,” Treay said. “It’s about damn time Northwestern stopped oppressing female talent. Fuck the patriarchy.”
Indie rock band We Are Women Hear Us Roar will open the Saturday show, followed by rapper Amy Beats, ’90s rock band Femalez and electronic producer Judy J—all female artists that no one has ever fucking heard of.
Sherman Ave 
Cheap copy of Northwestern Flipside’s article about Carly Rae Jepsen. Nice try, Sherman Ave. Funny how you guys spend so much time recycling ideas from a lesser known paper.