7 Reasons Yoga Is the Worst

9 Apr
The Alpine Yogagoat, in its natural habitat. (via izismile.com)

The Alpine Yogagoat, in its natural habitat. (via izismile.com)

Every year or so, I try yoga again.

It takes me about a year to forget exactly how fucking much I hate yoga. Over that year, my friends have peppered our conversations with fantastical stories of their “relaxing!” and “stress-relieving!” yoga sessions. Then there’s a moment in which I watch some betch’s yoga ass walk by and I start thinking about how cool it would be to Instagram photos of myself standing on my head in scenic locations, if I ever went to scenic locations, if I even had an Instagram. And I find myself with an hour to spare, shamelessly Googling “yoga for beginners” alone in my bedroom.

It takes me an hour to remember exactly how fucking much I hate yoga.

  1. “Now breathe.”

You condescending prick, I don’t need to be reminded to breathe. I’m sitting here laying on my back. There’s nothing else to do except inhale and exhale and appreciate my scenic eyelids and count how many miles I could have run in the time it takes for these basic bitches to pull their knees to their chest. When do we start doing the shit that’s gonna give me Dat Yoga Ass?

  1. “Now breathe.”

Wait – but you just said to feel the floor against my back! Holy shit, I can’t feel the floor AND breathe…at the same time! What am I gonna do? I’m laying flat on my back and my brain is thrown into chaos as my medulla and my motor cortex struggle against each other and I feel the floor but I’m having flashbacks of that one time someone asked me to sit upright and digest at the same time – my god, this yoga session is really a workout! and I’m wondering how anyone survives, there must be an oxygen tank in case of emergency, I might need it because feeling the floor over here is really hard and then –

Oh, she reminded me to breathe. Okay. Okay, we’re fine. Man, thanks, I nearly forgot.

  1. “Now breathe.”

I’m sorry, ma’am, but your ass has taken my breath away. How does this breathing shit make your ass so pretty? Is it actually the yoga, or is it the Lululemon, or is it that your ass can clearly afford to live off quinoa and Whole Foods vegan juice diets and waste an hour on the floor breathing? And why doesn’t 13.2 miles of REAL exercise do the same thing to my butt[1]?

  1. “Now breathe.”

The fuck do you mean, I’m a dog now? No. No, I don’t want to be a dog. I liked being a human. Did the dumbfuck who named this position ever even see a dog? Doggies are cute and furry and they lick your face and hog the covers at night. Whatever you’re doing with your perfect yoga ass in the air does not look like a dog, it looks like your farts turned to helium.

Oh, now we’re gonna be a tree. You gonna tell me to “breathe” and “feel the floor” when I’m a tree? Trees breathe carbon dioxide and they don’t grow on floors. Did you go to school for this? Fuck you.

  1. “Now breathe.”

No. Icannotbreathe. Stoptellingmetobreathe. Myhipsdonotbendlikethis. Whydopeoplesaythisisrelaxing. Thisisnotrelaxing. Owfuck.


  1. “Now breathe.”


  1. “Now breathe.”

Damn right you want me to breathe. I’m pissed. That was an hour of my life I could have been eating pad thai and playing 2048 while watching Modern Family in my underwear and WHERE. IS. MY. YOGA. ASS.

You know what? When the apocalypse comes, you’ll all be the most flexible and relaxed Downward Rabid Zombie Warriors and I’ll be a fucking human whose imperfect ass is ~13.2 miles away. Cardio, bitches.


[1] To survive brutal New England winters, mountain people of the rural Alleghenies have evolved asses that provide them with a lot of winter storage and a low center of gravity. This is why my lower half bears a strong resemblance to the lower half of a mountain goat (see image above).

You know what, that joke is probably funnier if you could see my butt. Sorry.


I heard that applying to write for Sherman Ave will make your ass look five times better.  But I don’t know.  Just a rumor.


One Response to “7 Reasons Yoga Is the Worst”

  1. Jackie April 10, 2014 at 2:08 am #

    Seems like you’re doing the wrong kind of yoga… maybe try a bit of meditation instead 😉 Seems like your mind is a bit anxious ❤

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