One Student’s Biker Profile

9 Apr


I wake up 10 minutes before my class all the way across campus. My carbon footprint is way smaller than yours. My calves are rock-fucking-solid. I only have one testicle.

Yes, I’m a biker. And yes, that means my dick is three times bigger than yours*. What, don’t believe me? You want me to fucking show you? ‘Cause I’ll do it, right here, right now.

Anyway, I fucking love my bike, and I ride it whenever I can. It doesn’t matter if the journey is five miles or five blocks. Hell, one time I rode my bike five feet just for the hell of it. It was awesome.

Sometimes while I’m biking I don’t even hold onto the handlebars. I’ll be texting with one hand and eating a Klondike Bar® with the other. That’s coordination. Chicks fucking dig that, man. You wouldn’t fucking believe how many girls I get**.

Oh man, nothing gets me harder than cutting off pedestrians. I could whack it for hours to the looks on their faces when I pass them on either side by a margin of a few inches. Sometimes my bike pedal even scratches their leg. Mmm, that turns me on so much. One time I passed a guy so close to him on his left that my pedal hit the back of his knee. He wiped out so fucking hard. It was so goddamn hot. There was even a little blood. I wanted to sex on everything all at the same time.

I park my bike wherever I please, because my bike takes precedence over pretty much everybody. Usually I try to be considerate, though, ‘cause I’m a good guy. If I can cut off a considerable amount of pedestrians while crossing the entire sidewalk in order to get to the bike racks, I’ll probably be in a good enough mood to spend a few seconds looking for a place to lock my bike. But, if a spot doesn’t present itself, the world becomes my parking space. Stair railings, door handles, some dumbass freshman’s belt loop, you name it, they’re all free game.

You got a problem with where I park my bike? Well, buddy, that’s about to be the least of your worries. My foot up your goddamn ass is going to be problem number one for you pretty soon, buttlick.

I think everyone who’s someone should ride a bike around campus. We bikers own the streets. We own the sidewalks***. We fucking run this school, and anyone who says otherwise, well…

…they probably have a small dick****, anyway.


*I apologize to all my dick-less readers to whom this does not apply.
**I get no girls.
***Excluding those in downtown Evanston.
****Once again, dick-less readers, apologies.

If bikes get you hard, you should apply to be a writer for Sherman Ave!!!!


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