The First 13 Ways I Found Out I Wasn’t Normal

10 Apr


1. I enjoy eating alone. With my headphones on. With the song “November Rain” by Guns N’ Roses playing. On repeat. On full volume.

2. When a friend tries to start a conversation with me, my first thought is “This is not how life is supposed to go down. I am supposed to start talking to you. MAKE YOUR FACE STOP SAYING WORDS!” Then I run out of the dining hall because I need to google “how to talk to friends” in order to figure out what I did wrong.

3. When I take a shower, I like to cut off large chunks of my hair because it just doesn’t feel right on my head. Then when people ask if I got a haircut, I tell them that a crow pulled my hair out because it looked like a nest. In my mind, this is a bullet-proof explanation.

4. I have often styled my facial hair to look like what I think the devil’s beard would look like because the devil is probably the most handsome man in the world to me.

5. People have tried to sell me Oxycontin so regularly that I have just started buying so I could make new friends with drug dealers.

6. When I see a wild animal, my first thought is to establish my dominance over it by furiously peeing in a circle and snarling at the animal while I do so. If the animal does not back down, my instinct is to give it a charlie horse.

7. When a girl I have a crush on hugs me affectionately, I yell  “Get off me, you witch” at her due to the fact that I am not used to warm human contact.

8. People have had to tell me more than once “to not get angry at the clouds,” “to stop eating all of our crayons,” and “to give that little girl her doll back.”

9. Often, I find myself waking up in the laundry room of my residence clutching a crowbar in because I believe in Utotopau, the washing machine demon, can only be destroyed by crowbar.

10. When I first watched The Truman Show, I didn’t get understand its message because I had always thought my life was being produced as a television for others’ enjoyment. In fact, I entered a legal battle with Paramount Pictures over the issue. I promptly lost the lawsuit.

11. I hear and think in dog barks.

12. The most attractive and ideal women to me is Princess Fiona when she becomes an ogre in Shrek.

13. I have a recurring dream where I am in a 1992 Toyota Tercel with Hillary Clinton. Of course, the Prince album Parade is playing in the background to set the mood. When I turn to kiss Mrs. Clinton, she turns to stone. Shocked, I lose control of the steering wheel and swerve off the road into a farm. It is a farm that is exclusively for wildebeest breeding. The sound of my 1992 Toyota Tercel startles the creatures. A stampede ensues. Nine people from the nearby town die because of the sudden wildebeest stampede. I am personally blamed for this catastrophe and sentenced to twelve consecutive life sentences in a jail where my cell mate is a miniature version of U2 lead singer Bono who only sings songs from the album Pop.

Are you a little left of center? Good! Apply for Sherman Ave!




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