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NU Researchers Discover Strange New Object in the Sky

17 Apr
A rough sketch of the object, which researches have called "baffling."

A rough sketch of the object, which researches have called “baffling.”

EVANSTON, Il. – Researchers at Northwestern University have discovered an unfamiliar mass which appears to have been discreetly orbiting Evanston for the past week. With the help of Dearborn Observatory’s historic refracting telescope, local astronomers studying the “luminous yellow sphere” have noted that it is unlike anything that has been seen in recent memory, and that very little is known about its nature and purpose.

In an effort to better understand the strange presence’s impact on local residents, Northwestern’s psychology and physics departments have launched a collaborative effort to measure the odd affective and behavioral changes correlated with the object’s appearance.

“During the hours in which the sphere was visible, we observed over 36 smiles and 68 instances of eye contact on Sheridan Road,” reports NU professor Renee Engeln-Maddox. “We haven’t seen that many since Fall Dill – I mean, homecoming.”

Moreover, even casual observers may notice that the object’s presence appears to prompt women to remove much of their clothing and lay on their backs in its presence. McCormick freshmen are reportedly attempting to engineer an object with similar properties for their dorm rooms.

Several students who went to the southern hemisphere over break claim to have observed a similar object on their travels; however, they were too turnt to remember much else.

The object appears to pose no threat, and Evanston residents are encouraged to remain calm and continue their daily activities. Local meteorologists have forecasted snow in the next 20 minutes, whenceforth things are expected to return to normal.

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