Freshman Realizes Deep Hatred of Roommate

23 Apr

Pictured: The freshman on move-in day, in happier times.

Evanston, Il.- Upon listening to his roommate loudly Skype with his best friend at Cornell for two hours while he was trying to study, Weinberg Freshman Mark Ellis discovered that he actually never liked his roommate.

“He is just a real piece of trash,” Ellis said after coming to terms with his realization. Ellis’s discovery comes after nearly seven months of attempting to be his roommate’s, Medill Freshman Brandon Ruiz’s, best friend.

“All he does is eat Wings Over while playing League of Legends,” Ellis wrote in an email to Sherman Ave. Ellis’s email further revealed that Ruiz only gets boneless wings which stands in direct opposition to Ellis’s preference of bone-in wings.

At the start of the school year, Ellis abandoned all plans to find friends on his own and instead gravitated towards his roommate.

“Brandon seemed like a cool dude from our Facebook messages in the summer. We both liked The Strokes on Facebook, so I thought he was chill. I was sadly mistaken.” The lack of Ruiz’s chillness was not the only personality trait that Ellis believed his roommate lacked.

“He’s also never seen a movie! At first I thought this was a joke, but his mom visited on Parents’ Weekend and confirmed it. How fucked up is that?”

As of press time, Ellis still has made no attempt to make new friends claiming he enjoys talking about The Strokes album Room on Fire with his roommate from “time to time.”


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