EVANSTON, Il – At 11:37 AM this morning on CollegiateACB, SororityChick69 released the official social rankings of NU’s IFC fraternities. Her announcement falls in the wake of intense deliberation and debate throughout the past year on the site’s comment threads. After refusing an in-person interview, SororityChick69 agreed to speak with Sherman Ave on the phone.
“Deciding who is top tier this year was the hardest part,” she explained. “Some frats rushed pledge classes of pussies who aren’t as hot, aren’t as chill, and aren’t as loaded. It’s hard news to deliver, but someone has to do it. Also, I have a sore throat so that’s why my voice sounds deep.”
During the ranking process itself, SororityChick69 reports considering comments from multiple discussion threads, including “FRAT AND SRAT RANKINGS,” “Who throws the best parties?” and the sensational “Hottest Asians” thread. In comparison to last year’s rankings, one particular fraternity made a momentous leap, officially becoming top tier. “I mean, we’ve got the hottest pledges this year so it makes sense. And…um, when I say we do, I mean they do,” she stuttered. “But I couldn’t be more excited…this whole thing has been really humbling. I did my small part to promote Greek classism and superficiality. At the end of the day I’m just really thankful for that.”