EVANSTON, Il. — With temperatures finally rising and spring in Evanston approaching normalcy, sources report that McCormick Sophomore Eric Lehman has realized that putting on deodorant does not substitute for taking a shower.
The trend of not showering began when Lehman woke up at 11:50 AM for his 12:00 PM discussion section on Thursday. He reportedly spent the night dancing by himself at The Deuce on Wednesday, sweating profusely. Afraid of missing class, Lehman less-than-generously applied Speed Stick to his armpits and left his dorm. An intense ultimate frisbee practice in the hot sun followed his discussion section, which, Lehman noted while the odor under his shirt began to ferment like a bag of expired Franzia under a solar lamp, “takes away from time to shower.”
Lehman proceeded to not shower after practice, referencing activities like classes, homework, and extracurriculars as excuses for not taking five fucking minutes to clean the festering, third world country-inspired landfill known as his body. Fortunately, he found time to masturbate and dick around on Facebook for two hours without picking up a bar of soap.
“I’m a dude,” Lehman argued as he changed into a new pair of boxers after wearing the same pair for two days prior. “Clean pits and balls; it’s really all you need.”
The realization occurred when Lehman arrived to his Intro to Macroeconomics lecture and sat next to Yasmin Hernandez, a School of Communication freshman. Five minutes into lecture, Hernandez dropped her pen in the area in front of Lehman’s lap. Leaning over to pick it up, she collapsed in a fit of seizures.
“I leaned over near this kid’s lap, and I thought someone was trying to strangle me with a bag of stale Cool Ranch Doritos,” Hernandez explained as doctors examined the decaying skin cells on her nose.
Medical officials cited “body odor and an extreme build up of dick cheese” as the cause of Hernandez’s injuries. After the incident, Lehman announced plans to shower on a more consistent basis: “I guess I didn’t sweat as much in the Winter. So, maybe I should really start showering and not just cleaning my balls with a wash rag before a date.”
The Center for Disease Control will be monitoring Lehman’s shower tonight not only for public safety, but also to ensure he does not go outside while smelling like a leper’s asshole in a sauna.
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