Evanston, Il.— In response to the anti-gay flyers handed out at Northwestern’s Arch this afternoon, Northwestern University has decided to replace some of Northwestern’s acronyms with acronyms that are more LGBT friendly to show support for Northwestern’s queer students.
“We think this flyer situation is absolute crap,” explained President Morty Schapiro. “Everyone is entitled to an argument, but these flyers look like someone shat on a piece of paper, smeared it around, and somehow found a combination of letters to form this unequivocally stupid shit.”
An emergency meeting today held by Morty, along with the Board of Trustees and a conglomeration of other administrators, concluded our university must show “solidarity” and “queer-fuckin-tastic” support for students at this university, regardless of gender identification or sexuality.
The administration has released a list of acronyms to be changed from their current names to LGBT-supportive:
1. SESP (School of Education and Social Policy)
Renamed: SESP – Students Embracin’ Same-Sex People [Hell Yeah]
2. TIC (Theatre Interpretation Center)
Renamed: TIC – The [Queers] Is Cool
3. TECH (Technological Institute)
Renamed: TECH – Totally Embracing our Campus Homosexuals
4. HPME (Honors Program in Medical Education)
Renamed: Hoyeah! Presenting: Marriage Equality
5. SPAC (Henry Crown Sports Pavilion and Norris Aquatics Center)
Renamed: LGBT – Legs Glutes Biceps Triceps
The people handing out the fliers, identified as men who more than likely own “The South Will Rise Again” bumper stickers, remain at the arch handing out fliers. However, students and administration of Northwestern University want to remind their fellow the community that despite our differences, we are One Northwestern, and we will fight for the respect and rights of our peers, friends, and family.