Advertisements
Archive by Author

Predicting the hottest trends of 2014: Bouncy Castles, the Internet, and Miranda Cosgrove, oh my

18 Jan

With every new year comes new fashions and trends. Last year we had twerking, the Harlem Shake, Miley Cyrus, masturbating while crying, and Klondike® bars. What will be hip, hop, and happening in 2014? Our expert analysts have done some digging to find out.

1. Miranda Cosgrove

Some call her the “Next Miley Cyrus,” others say they knew her back when she was just that annoying girl from School of Rock (Summer Wheatley, Class Factotum). When she stars in the next Hunger Games movie, she will become the newest sensation, until things start to hit rock bottom when the fame gets to her head. Her heroin addiction, only discovered when she passes out from an overdose on her first nude photoshoot, will be what puts her firmly in the spotlight for the year.

Continue reading

Advertisements

Sherman Ave’s 14-Step Guide to Green Cup

21 Oct
Growing your own weed is a great way to reduce greenhouse emissions from its transportation!

Growing your own weed is a great way to reduce greenhouse emissions from its transportation!

The Green Cup has begun. Yet another year’s Battle of Champions has kicked off. Who will make SEED the proudest? Who will prove themselves true warriors of conservation? Who is willing to go the longest without flushing their toilet?

Here are Sherman Ave’s 14 tips to show off your raw, feral dominance over all the others on campus.

Continue reading

The Daily Northwestern’s First Online Posts Will Make You LOL

20 Oct

The Daily Northwestern is known as the primary news source of the student population of Chicago’s Big Ten Team. For every fucksaw, race forum and football game lost in the last minutes of the fourth quarter, the Daily Northwestern time and time again is the first one of the first sites visited by truth-thirsty college students. Thanks to a tip from the Infinite Guest, we have some awesome throwback articles from when the Daily first got online. Continue reading

The Theater World’s Best Drinking Games

18 Oct

Theater majors love to party. We all know that. I don’t know if you have been to a theater party (nor would I remember if you have), but there are some pretty insane drinking games that they play. Accordingly, we will now give you a break from our normally scheduled heinousness to share some of the more interesting drinking games of the theater world. Continue reading

The Six People You Drunk Dialed on Dillo

3 Jun
Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day...

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…

So you survived Dillo. Congrats.

But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:

1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:

“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”

Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.

Continue reading

US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

1 Apr
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

Continue reading

Poetry time with Alabaster Carlos Alabaster

3 Mar

so much depends
upon

an abandoned
baby

bleeding from the
head

beside the green
dumpster

Gary Saul Morson: Hero or Communist?

15 Nov

Many students here seem to be under a spell. Freshman, beware: everyone will try to convince you to join Russian Literature. Its natural; who doesn’t want to be in a 600 person lecture with all of their friends, and to boot you get to be in a discussion section WITH THE PROFESSOR! IN THE WILLARD COMMON ROOM? You don’t even have to put on a jacket to go to class. Which is, after all, what you think college is about when you first get here. Well, my fellow Northwestern Students, Americans, and foreigners who found a better place than that backwater country they were born in, I am a bit suspicious.

Continue reading

It’s Thanksgiving: The Nicole Westbrook Story

11 Nov

It was a dark August night in the Westbrook household. Nicole was left with a burden she could not explain. Standing on the front deck, she contemplated all the memories she had had with her family inside. The December Christmases, where she would be denied no gift that she truly wanted. The January New Years’s, when her parents would let her throw parties the whole grade would be invited to. The April Easters, when the living room would flow with candy as she walked down from her bedroom. Most importantly, the Fourth of July pool parties that were talked about months in advance.

Continue reading