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Infographic: Who Is Watching “Cosmos” Right Now?

13 Apr

Cosmos Chart

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Northwestern Student Not Sure What Jacket to Wear

14 Mar

EVANSTON, IL – As the temperatures finally increased above freezing, Northwestern students were faced with a new set of anxieties.

Sidewalks became moats as the 2 feet of snow from the heinous nightmare of a 5 month winter finally started to melt, allergies began to spread, and worst of all, the decision of what jacket to wear became increasingly difficult.

Weinberg Sophomore Ethan Hall spent 15 minutes alternating between Continue reading

Should You Hook Up With Him? A Flowchart Journey

4 Mar

So you’re out at a party or a bar or hovering by the bar at a party, and suddenly a Calvin Harris song comes on and you feel some guy’s pelvis approach your ass and realize that you are being “danced” upon. Then comes there part where you must make a decision.

-Should I casually take a few steps forward like I didn’t notice the sudden proximity of his dick to my ass crack?

-Should I let him make out with me and get a free drink out of it? Maybe I’ll feel less guilty if I give him an OTPHJ. I can just say I was black out and don’t remember that.

-Should I take him home with me? I haven’t cleaned my room in a while, but maybe he’s too drunk to notice. My roommates might judge me though. Maybe we should go back to his place. Oh wait doesn’t he live with Continue reading

12 Realistic Oscar Predictions for This Year

1 Mar

It’s Oscar season, and every person who’s ever seen a movie thinks they know what’s up when it comes to predicting the winners. Alas, sometimes what seems like the obvious choice doesn’t end up with the coveted golden statue that every immodest asshole has to complain is “so heavy”.

But don’t fret if your Oscar Prediction Ballot is full of disappointment. There are some things that we can all accurately predict about the Oscars. I’ve decided to share with you a few things you can realistically bet on during this year’s Academy Awards Show to diffuse some anxiety.

1. Ellen will dance. Probably a lot.  Because that’s what she does. She makes jokes and dances and invites talented children from YouTube to appear on her show.

2. Jennifer Lawrence will do something adorable and everyone on every social media platform will talk about how much they love her and maybe even talk to each other in real life about it because she is that adorable.

Continue reading

Study: No One Cares What Your Boyfriend Got You for Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

ANN ARBOR, MI— Researchers at the University of Michigan concluded on Friday morning that no one gives a shit what your boyfriend got you for Valentine’s Day.

Results of the study indicated that 48% of those surveyed didn’t give a shit, 3% had received better gifts from their boyfriends or husbands or generous casual hook ups and didn’t give a shit, and the other 49% were just dudes who didn’t give a shit.

University of Michigan Researchers were prompted to carry out this study after social media caused a dramatic rise in people’s perceptions that their friends, co-workers, and that guy they have a class with so they friended him on Facebook actually give a shit what presents their boyfriend got them for Valentine’s Day.

“It’s official: I have the bestest boyfriend in the entire world! Best Valentine’s Day Ever.”

This study debunked that myth, proving that a “like” on an online photo has little to no correlation with whether or not the “liker” actually gives a shit.

“We hope the results of this study will be eye opening,” Head Researcher Michael Brown said. “Our goal was to drop the amount of Facebook uploads and Instagrams of flower bouquets and giant teddy bears and expensive fondue dinners by 80%.”

Brown said the next item on the agenda is a comprehensive analysis of whether or not making a PicStitch for your friend’s birthday actually indicates that you are good friends.

An Open Letter to That Girl in the Next Stall Clearly Trying to Poop

8 Dec

Dear Anonymous Female Bathroom Stall Neighbor,

Please, drop the act. I know what you’re doing. I know why you’re here.

You’re not researching the sturdiness of public toilets. You’re not admiring the stall graffiti and wondering why someone thought to bring a pen in there with them. This is a bathroom, and you are here because you need to take a dump.

Continue reading

A Translated Northwestern CTEC Reminder Email

26 Nov

Dear Northwestern Student,

(Yeah you, you nameless, irrelevant $60,000 check)

Fall quarter classes are now available for evaluation. The CTEC site will remain open until 11:59 pm Sunday, December 15.

(You have three weeks to do this, but we’re emailing you about it now so you can start freaking out about how much you have to do before finals.) Continue reading

Box Co. Claims Deuce Rides Won’t Make AirHop “Top Tier”

14 Nov
"When you have to use the Deuce to try to move up, it just shows everyone how desperate you are. Calm down Airhop." - Anonymous Campus Solutions rep.

“When you have to use the Deuce to try to move up, it just shows everyone how desperate you are. Calm down AirHop.” – Anonymous Campus Solutions rep.

EVANSTON, Ill. – Following the news that “AirHop”, a Northwestern Student Holdings business that transports students to and from the airport, will be providing rides to and from the Mark II Lounge every Thursday night for $5 each way, an anonymous representative from Box Co. referred to AirHop’s deuce rides as “a cheap attempt to move up in the rankings.” Continue reading

Fun-Sucking Sophomore Finally Understands Significance of Jingling Keys at Football Games

20 Oct
Hey, this future consultant's Mercedes isn't going to park itself.

It doesn’t help that 95% of these keys are for Mercedes.

EVANSTON–After falling prey to the mob mentality of the barbaric unsportsmanlike conduct of her fellow Wildcats at a year’s worth of Football games, Psychology and Sociology double-major Kelsey Andrews was appalled to finally discover why Northwestern fans jingle their keys at opposing teams.Following Northwestern’s desperate fourth quarter drive that only prolonged the inevitable bone-chilling realization of a disappointing season touchdown in yesterday’s Minnesota game, Andrews was informed that the jingling of students’ keys is meant to imply that the other school’s students would one day be valeting the cars of Northwestern graduates.

“It’s just offensive. My mom went to Iowa State and she’s a pediatrician!”

Continue reading

“College is Sick” says Northwestern Freshman to State School Friends

7 Oct
"Man I love college!!! And I love drinking!!! And I love women!!! And I love college!!!!"

“Man I love college!!! And I love drinking!!! And I love women!!! And I love college!!!!”

While other students his age had been frequenting the many local bars their college towns had to offer and sucking shots of Heritage off the flat, pierced stomachs of their peers for a month, Northwestern Freshman Kyle Henderson had been biding his time, Facebook-stalking them all until September 16th.

Once he had marched through the Arch and hung up his John Belushi “Animal House” poster in his Bobb dorm room, Henderson was ready to “rage” like a college kid and even more ready to Continue reading