NU Researchers Discover Strange New Object in the Sky

A rough sketch of the object, which researches have called “baffling.”

EVANSTON, Il. – Researchers at Northwestern University have discovered an unfamiliar mass which appears to have been discreetly orbiting Evanston for the past week. With the help of Dearborn Observatory’s historic refracting telescope, local astronomers studying the “luminous yellow sphere” have noted that it is unlike anything that has been seen in recent memory, and that very little is known about its nature and purpose.

In an effort to better understand the strange presence’s impact on local residents, Northwestern’s psychology and physics departments have launched a collaborative effort to measure the odd affective and behavioral changes correlated with the object’s appearance.

“During the hours in which the sphere was visible, we observed over 36 smiles and 68 instances of eye contact on Sheridan Road,” reports NU professor Renee Engeln-Maddox. “We haven’t seen that many since

7 Reasons Yoga Is the Worst

The Alpine Yogagoat, in its natural habitat. (via izismile.com)

Every year or so, I try yoga again.

It takes me about a year to forget exactly how fucking much I hate yoga. Over that year, my friends have peppered our conversations with fantastical stories of their “relaxing!” and “stress-relieving!” yoga sessions. Then there’s a moment in which I watch some betch’s yoga ass walk by and I start thinking about how cool it would be to Instagram photos of myself standing on my head in scenic locations, if I ever went to scenic locations, if I even had an Instagram. And I find myself with an hour to spare, shamelessly Googling “yoga for beginners” alone in my bedroom.

It takes me an hour to remember exactly how fucking much I hate yoga.

1. “Now breathe.”

You condescending prick, I don’t need to be reminded to breathe. I’m sitting here laying on my back. There’s nothing else to do except

Morty Sings Jason Derulo

Ever wanna hear Northwestern President Morton O. Schapiro sing Talk Dirty?  Well, now you can.  Yes this is real.

If Mother Nature Live-Tweeted the Past Week’s Weather

Mental Health at NU

This wasn’t supposed to be a “reaction article.”

This was supposed to be encouragement to those suffering to get help, an attempt at reviewing resources, a guide for friends of sufferers and a plea to take care of each other. It’s been drafted and re-edited by countless sources for months now. It wasn’t supposed to be immediately relevant.

5 Unusual Superpowers Everyone Secretly Wants

Not included on this list: the ability to look like Scarlett Johansson.

Invisibility just isn’t practical. How could anyone Instagram your heroic deed to make you internet-famous? Mind-reading makes you privy to every horrifying mental picture that happens after your younger siblings have The Talk. And do you really want to replace the bird poo on your car with “flying superhuman” poo? No, traditional superpowers are outdated. It’s time to ditch those Superman undies and replace them with SupercharisMan.

This Is Sober Privilege

Mmmmmm privilege

Throughout my collegiate career, I have often noticed sober people’s unwillingness to grant that they are overprivileged, even though they may grant that drunk people are disadvantaged in society. While they may support assisting drunks and drunk rights, sobers often deny that they, as sobers, gain advantages from drunks’ disadvantages. These denials protect sober privilege from being fully acknowledged, lessened, or ended. Sober people are taught to see their lives as normal, neutral, and average, and also ideal, so that when they work to benefit others it is seen as work that will allow “them” (drunks) to be more like “us” (sobers).

We Photoshopped Morty Into Famous Things So You Don’t Have To

16 Things Lorde Hasn’t Done

Yeah, this bitch counts her dollars on the train to the party.

She’s sixteen. You’re twentysomething. She has a chart-topping single, gorgeous hair, and more maturity than every MILF on Pornhub combined. You have a hangover. Congrats.

In the event you have to fight to the death in a round of NeverHaveIEver To make you feel better, here’s 16 things Lorde hasn’t done.

Obama Renaming NFL Teams After Care Bears

WASHINGTON DC–According to an official White House release yesterday, President Barack Obama will be using his powers as head of the Executive Branch to perform an unprecedented overhaul of NFL nomenclature, renaming teams after characters in the cartoon series “Care Bears.”

“This entire country is goddamn sick of having to deal with Native Americans