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Crazed Murderer Relieved That You Didn’t Check Behind Shower Curtain

28 Apr
(via Elite Linens)

(via Elite Linens)

After a recent trip to the bathroom where you neglected to check behind the shower curtains because for once you decided not to let paranoia control you, the crazed murderer who has spent hours hiding out in your shower stall breathed a sigh of relief.

“For a moment, I thought you were going to whip open the curtains to check for me,” crazed murderer Joseph Walter Harris said as he cradled Continue reading

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Sherman Ave’s Prospie Guide

14 Apr

ArchHey there, Prospie!

Yes, you with the purple folder! Now that you’ve been waitlisted from Stanford admitted to Northwestern and probably some other places not worth mentioning, you sure have a tough choice ahead of you. Boy, this is probably the hardest decision you’ve had to make since choosing which AP classes to take! Haha aren’t we so relatable to the high school demographic? Anyways, now that we’ve won you over with our topical humor and you’re done being assaulted by every student group on campus at the activities fair—which Sherman Ave would never do to you because the university (justifiably) refuses to recognize us as an official student group so we aren’t allowed to have a booth we are considerate—you’re probably overwhelmed and looking for some guidance. Are all the schools you’re choosing between blending together? Don’t you wish someone would be honest with you about what life is really like at Northwestern? Buck up, lil prospie, that’s what big bro Sherman Ave is here for. We’ll be honest with you to the point where you Continue reading

It’s Not Alcoholism until You Graduate, According to Twelfth-Year Senior

3 Apr
stock-footage-young-man-drinking-beer

(via Shutterstock)

According to a new research study conducted over the past twelve years by super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super senior Dave Eaton, 34, any sort of behavior that might otherwise constitute alcohol abuse in virtually any other circumstance “totally doesn’t count in college, dude.” Whether it’s tailgating a football game at 10 a.m. with shots of Jack or sneaking sips of absinthe out of a hidden flask to alleviate the shaky hands and nausea brought on by alcohol withdrawals, Eaton claims this behavior “is just what you do in college, you know?”

Eaton, who has failed all of his classes as well as multiple sobriety tests over the past 14 years, did not find any correlation between his poor academic performance and his drinking habits. “Sometimes you’re a little too hungover to make it to your 2 p.m. class, it happens” said Eaton. “And sometimes that happens for, like, 14 years in a row. It’s whatever.” When questioned further, Eaton explicated, “You know, GPA doesn’t really matter. College is just the best two decades of your life.”

Continue reading

8 Historical Speech Titles Rebranded to Maximize Internet Popularity

21 Feb

1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863Abraham_Lincoln_seated,_Feb_9,_1864

Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.

New title: Continue reading

The Inferno: The Nine Circles of Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

Until recently, I had never been empathetic to the disease known as celebrating Valentine’s Day alone (symptoms of which include depression, overeating, and whining about February 14th on any and all forms of social media). When you’ve ridden solo for nearly two decades’ worth of Valentine’s festivities, Singles Awareness Day eventually becomes a peaceful, practically meditative experience; instead of cry-sterbating and eating a tub of ice cream at my own personal pity party each year, I enjoyed a joyful day of solitude filled with a slew of rewarding personal activities (Okay, they’re the exact same activities as a pity party, minus the crying). While images of “love” and “happy couples” plagued me at work or school, I could safely journey home to escape any reminders of how depressingly sucky counter-culture it is to be single.

Virgil-Static-Shock

Never understood why Dante was such a big Static Shock fan (via toonbarn.com)

Well, that was until this year, for when I moved in with my roommate, I also unwittingly moved in with her boyfriend and all their couple-y bliss. Continue reading

Why I Haven’t Unpacked My Fucking Suitcase

20 Jan

It’s been over two weeks since I came back from Winter Break. Two weeks is long enough complete the hazing tradition known as sorority recruitment and for the question of “So what did you do over Winter Break?” to finally go stale, but apparently it’s not long enough for me to unpack my fucking suitcase.

F.J.'s suitcase, in all its atrocious glory.

F.J.’s suitcase, in all its atrocious glory.

Here’s the thing: It’s not like my suitcase is all that large, or I’m all that busy. Literally, the whole unpacking operation would probably be a five minute job, and for every moment I’ve been busy prepping for midterms or (more probably) eating wings, I have had at least another ten moments of extreme, tear-inducing boredom where I repeatedly ask my roommate “What should I doooooooooooooo?” in that whiny voice that she loves. Continue reading

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Just The Pick-Me-Up Girl Eating Donut While Studying For Finals Needed

11 Dec
She's thrilled we included this image too.

She’s thrilled we included this image too.

DATELINE–At a table in Norris littered with empty pizza boxes, candy wrappers, and tears.

(AP)- As economics major Valerie Snell shoved a donut in her mouth, bringing her daily calorie count up to 3,562, it was as if the universe answered her prayers when the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show began to play on a nearby television. Continue reading

12 Reasons Why Going to School Somewhere Cold is Awesome

12 Nov

1. Never having to slather your body in the ectoplasmic goo known as sunscreen

2. When you inevitably put on Freshman 15, no one will notice

This woman actually weighs 190 lbs

This woman actually weighs 190 lbs

Continue reading

A House-by-House Recap of Sorority Preview

10 Nov

House #1
PNM (Potential New Member): Oh man, am I excited for recruitment! Joining a sorority sure seems like a great way to meet new people and build strong support syst—OH GOD WHY ARE THEY ALL CHANTING, WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO??

"ONE OF US. ONE OF US."

“ONE OF US. ONE OF US.”

House #2
Sorority Sister: So tell me about yourself?
PNM: OH GOD HOW DO I RESPOND??? AHHHHHHHHHHHH

House #3
PNM: So they keep calling these parties, where’s all the booze and boys? FUCK NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS PLEASE DON’T REPORT ME TO PANHELLENIC AND SHUN ME FROM GREEK LIFE FOREVER Continue reading

Living Off-Campus: How to Feed Yourself And Not Die

24 Oct

Freshmen, tragically still dorm-ridden sophomores—as any upperclassman knows, living off campus is awesome. Having your own place means no flip-flops in the shower and rolling around naked on all the furniture being naked in the places that your dictatorial Philistine of a roommate has designated “not super perverted or weird.” There is, however, a very dark downside to getting out of North Mid-Quads or whatever shithole you live in, and that is learning how to feed yourself. Yes, today you may curse Hinman’s batter fried Pollock, but oh, just you wait until you’re Continue reading