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10 Totally Safe Remarks to Make on Super Bowl Sunday if You Don’t Know Shit about Football

2 Feb

The Super Bowl is on Sunday.  This is a big game if you like football.  If you don’t know what football is, or you got invited to a Super Bowl Party by some guy/girl you’re crushing on, or if you wake up from a nap on Sunday to find a crowd has gathered around you to watch “the game,” here are a few things you can say to create the illusion that you are aware of/interested in what’s going on:

"Sports!  Throwing! Touchdown!  AHHHH!"

“Sports! Throwing! Touchdown! YEAHHH!” (via Youtube)

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Getting Into Black Panties: Reviewing R. Kelly’s latest

16 Dec

Here’s the thing about R. Kelly: At this point, he has nothing left to prove to anyone.  Except, clearly, himself, which is why this 46-year-old self-described “Pied Piper of R&B,” who’s sold a cool 38.5 million albums since 1991, just released his latest, Black Panties.

Yep, Black Panties.  It’s a good bet that after releasing two albums of throwback, Motown-inspired music – 2010’s Love Letter and 2012’s Write Me Back – Kelly felt the need to get back to basics.  In R. Kelly’s world, this involves being as horny as possible all the time and letting people know.

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The Top Ten Reasons You And Your Girlfriend Are Going To Break Up

18 Nov
Bro it's not looking good bro

Bro it’s not looking good bro

1. She’s no longer impressed by your ability to eat an entire Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready.

2. She doesn’t twerk for you anymore.

3. She still twerks, though.

4. She broke her phone and did not include you on her “Broke My Phone and Need New Numberz” group message.

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25 Things To Do At Starbucks Besides Ordering Coffee

1 Nov
  1. Browse the CDs for sale and contemplate how far Fiona Apple has fallen.

    Fuck with the baristas. Fiona would want it that way.

  2. Consider who actually even buys CDs anymore.

  3. Pretend to be foreign and convinced that Starbucks is, in fact, a bank.  Become angry when they will not allow you to make a withdrawal.

  4. Nap. Continue reading

Getting Ready For R. Kelly At Pitchfork: A Beginner’s Guide

20 Jul

The weekend is approaching, and you’ve bought tickets to Pitchfork 2013.  Amidst all the band names that involve either A) Plural Nouns (Woods, Savages, Swans, Metz), or B) Something Foreign-Sounding (Mikal Cronin, Toro Y Moi, Autre Ne Veut), you’ll see a familiar name: R. Kelly.

Saturday night, it’s all happening baby.

Maybe you’ve heard Aziz Ansari’s take on seeing Kelly in concert .  You’ve definitely heard of his sex scandal, but let’s not get into that right now.  The point is: have you heard the man’s stuff?

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Things To Not Hate: Bruno Mars’ Righteous New Music Video

30 Jun
Mars apparently filled out the rest of his band by hiring stand-ins from Miami Vice

Mars apparently filled out the rest of his band by hiring stand-ins from Miami Vice

Do you often feel that music videos nowadays are just a lot of pomp n’ flash?  Do you miss the down-home vibe of the days when music videos were just being discovered/invented?  Do you like dancing?

Bruno Mars feels you.  Feels you hard.  Check out this music video for his latest single, “Treasure.”

A few things worth noting while you watch:

1.     Everyone in this video is a professional dancer.  Except that one guy behind Bruno not even holding an instrument.  That dude’s dancing in this pro bono.

2.     Bruno Mars real name is Peter Hernandez.  Really.

3.     People were leaning towards blue, but ended up deciding that red would be the dopest color to wear.

4.     They originally rented a couple Canon 5Ds to film this pup, then got to the studio and realized it came with shitty lo-fi cameras leftover from its new-channel days.  They decided to go with these. #yolo

5.     This was new to the make-up artists, whose efforts were rendered pretty much negligible thanks to the non-HD tech.

6.     A different video involving pirates and/or wordplay involving “treasure” could have been equally cool.

7.     Asked about the choice to film in an aspect ratio different from all other videos currently out on YouTube, thereby forever attaching black vertical bars to either side of the film, Director Cameron Duddy said, “Oh…fuck…”

8.     At first it felt like a #sausagefest, but everyone agreed afterwards that they eventually got into the groove and didn’t even notice that there weren’t any ladies except the one that only Bruno gets to talk to.

Two New Nelly Songs You’re Going To Be Upset About

30 May

I’ll be brief.

How far we've come since since Air Force Ones.

How far we’ve come since since Air Force Ones.

Recording artist and known Benzie enthusiast Nelly is gearing up to release a new album later this summer, to be called M.O.

Naturally, pop radio has gotten ahold of two new singles in anticipation.  And by “anticipation,” I mean someone on Nelly’s team is paying good ke$ha to make sure that we might remember Nelly as more than just that guy with the one song about “riding with me.”

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Album Review: FIDLAR’S “FIDLAR” – LA Punks Take It To The Beach

9 Apr
The Miller High Life of rock (this is a good thing).

The Miller High Life of rock (this is a good thing).

Have you ever hummed the theme song to Hawaii Five-O and thought, “Man, I wish someone would start screaming over this”?  Do you sometimes listen to Weezer and find yourself thinking, “Mmm, this is good but I wish these darn lyrics weren’t so deep and metaphorical”?  (Sample Weezer lyric: “I’ve got an electric guitar / I play my stupid songs / I write these stupid words / And I love every one).

You should check out the LA surf-punk band FIDLAR.

“FIDLAR?” you ask.  “As in, ‘fidlar on the roof?’”

No, no.  In this case, FIDLAR is an acronym, which stands for Fuck It Dog, Life’s A Risk (a phrase made popular by skateboarders in FIDLAR’s hometown).

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True Tales of Stuff: Texting While Walking

12 Dec
Walking was w/e before, lol.

Walking was w/e before, lol.

Sherman Ave contributor Gary Brownstein was recently made aware of the concept of Texting While Walking.  After a few practice sessions in the safety of his own apartment, Brownstein hit the streets of Chicago to try out the phenomenon for himself.  Below, he described the experience.

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No Shave November: A Beginner’s Guide to the Weeks Ahead

8 Nov

That’s why his beard’s so big: It’s full of secrets!

My fellow countrymen, we find ourselves one week into an historic month.  The leaves are changing colors.  Birds are flying south for the winter.  Daylight Savings Time has happened, making it that much harder to stay up for Barry “Fuck You” Obama’s acceptance speech.

But let us not forget the true significance of this 11th month of 2012.  The chance, once again, to participate in No Shave November.

For the unfamiliar, No Shave November may sound like a feminist pin-up girl’s name.  Rather, it is a masculine tradition, the rules of which are contained in the name itself.  Don’t shave your grill for a month, enter into a sacred brotherhood.  Simple, yet profound.

For those who have never dabbled in the Facial Arts before, but like me, have begun the journey this month, I offer up a forecast of the weeks to come:

Days 1-7: We’re past these.  The first four days were probably kinda normal, unless you’re some sort of lumberjack-showoff like my roommate, who can grow a beard in less time than it takes a second-semester senior to shotgun a PBR.  I don’t really think these motherfuckers should even be allowed to participate in Manvember.  I mean, what are they even tryna prove?  But I digress.

For normally-equipped gentlemen, this week serves as an easy transition into the burlier stages ahead.  Peach fuzz turns to peach scuzz, and the plot thickens.

Days 8-14: The pace has begun to pick up.  You will survive the terrible “child molester/vagabond-whispy-upper-lip-stache” phase and move into the “It’s-possible-that-man-may-be-a-convict-but-I-just-can’t-look-away” phase.

The winds of fortune are swift, my friends.  And with their change comes much attention from the honeys.  Depending on the distribution of your beard-strings, you might want to consider some Neck Beard Trimming.  Some people consider this against the rules.  If that’s how you feel, A) go cry about it, B) maybe buy some turtlenecks or something.

Days 15-21: By this point, you’ve probably got a full-on beard (if you don’t, my bad, bro).  Have you begun to style it? Gel or moustache wax, perhaps?  Maybe you finally got that promotion you’ve been waiting on.  If you’ve never rocked the beard before, this could be a whole new world.  Just don’t let the glamour and glitz pull you in.  Remember: at the end of the month, you’re going to have to make a choice.  Back to Shaving Business As Usual, or continue on down the Road of Awesomeness and Chin Stroking?

Days 22-28: You may notice during this time that you gravitate towards more flannel.  Your diet shifts to consisting mostly of flapjacks, hotcakes, or griddlecakes, or some combination of the three.  You’ve taken to catching yourself in the mirror, just to look yourself in the eye and say, “Damn, that’s one mean mug you’re rocking, pard’ner.”  You have given up on contemporary music, preferring instead to listen to a shitty 3-song mix you made of ZZ Top songs (“Sharp Dressed Man,” “Cheap Sunglasses,” “La Grange” I think is the third one).  The beard has transcended being merely a facial adornment and settled as the key identifier of your personality.

If you grow it, the biddies will come.

Days 29 & 30: Did you remember to take a before picture?  ‘Cause you can take a sweet after picture and be a Facebook hero for a day.  All your friends will see the true gentleman you have Digivolved into.  An upstanding citizen, resplendent, brawny, and smelling strongly of cedar and tanning oil.

Speaking of FB, you have started a group called “I Ain’t Lose My Phone But I Got So Many Lady’s Numbers I Need To Start Giving Them Away.”  You are the only member.

Your responses are exclusively monosyllabic and often nothing more than grunts.

Former acquaintances who might’ve once viewed you as scrawny now pass your name along to their friends who need help moving.  “I’m pretty sure he can bench like, 130,” they’ve been heard saying.

You finish every tweet with “#sosayeththebeard.”

What happens on December 1 is up to you.  If you’re like me, you’ll keep the Gravy Train running as long as possible and then maybe settle down someday with a nice mustache.  Or maybe The Beard has become too much for you and you’ll take a razor to it right away.  The choice is yours.  Choose wisely, my dear readers, and may the Good Fortunes of Our Patron Saint Ron Swanson shine upon thee.

-Zephaniah Brownstein