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Some Pick-Up Lines That Are Sure to Heat Things Up

14 Feb

Study up before heading to the Keg tonight

This Valentine’s Day, sophistication is critical. So for all of those love-birds out there who are flying solo this February, try out some of these classy, tested pick-up lines to get the girl (or guy) of your dreams to fall deeply in love with you…

And is your Dad a total psychopathic murderous shitbag!?

CATEGORY #1: Father’s Occupation
– Is your dad a mechanic? Because you have a finely tuned body.
– Is your dad a terrorist? Because you are da bomb.
– Is your dad a farmer? Because you have really nice melons.

CATEGORY #2: Your Love Interest’s Occupation
– Did you rent or buy…those wings, you angel?
– Are you a parking ticket? Because you have ‘fine’ written all over you.
– Is your name Gilette? Because you look like the best a man can get.

CATEGORY #3: Flattery
– That dress is very becoming on you. Then again, if I were on you, I’d be coming, too.
– Want to know my favorite part of a woman’s body? No joke. The vagina.
– I’d tap that.

Can't ask for much more, really.

CATEGORY #4: Touting Your Own Strengths
– Call me coffee, because I will keep you up all night long.
– Your eyes are the exact same color as my Ferrari. That’s so coincidental.
– My name is Fred Flinstone, because I can sure make your bed rock.

CATEGORY #5: FTW
– Hey, is your refrigerator running? [pause] Because I really want to fuck you.

We assume absolutely NO responsibility or culpability

Now with your newly acquired arsenal of fornication-worthy one-liners, go snag your mate and enjoy a night that started with a borderline misogynistic catchphrase!!

Tight Fight

28 Jan

Recently, the venerable Stitch Fashion Blog found it pertinent to chastise all women who wear leggings as a form of lower-body covering. In my opinion, the self-proclaimed fashionistas of this Miranda Priestly-esque publication have not only missed the mark, but also managed to gloss over an entire generation of newly found sexual autonomy — for both men and women. Therefore, I extend Stitch a deceiving low-five, only to say, “too slow” and draw my hand quickly away.

If Stitch had its way, booties like this would be repressed by the harsh confines of pants

Wearing leggings as pants dates all the way back to fifteenth-century, when literal Renaissance men wore stockings known as “chausses.” And even in the uncivilized world, Native American men donned buckskin leggings to guard their manly gams. With the acceptance of female suffrage and The Real Housewives of [Insert Rich Neighborhood of an Urban Setting] as enjoyable television, I think that it is about effing time that women start to wear the close-fitting pants in this relationship. Leggings presence on shaven legs shows the much-awaited progression from moose-knuckle to camel-toe, and, in turn, the further development of new norms of gender ideology in our surprisingly antiquated society (women still only earn 85% of men’s salaries in comparable jobs!). However, women aren’t the only ones who should feel empowered by a pair of black spandex.

After spending a summer in a hospital bed, former lead singer of the Canadian (gag me, eh?) punk band D’Urbervilles, John O’Regan (aka Diamond Rings) had an entire physical transformation. Caking on large amounts of eyeliner and lipstick, O’Regan found true liberation by throwing on a pair of purple zebra-stripe leggings and a jean jacket and dancing down the street in his music video, Wait & See. I think men everywhere can take a page out of Canada’s book on this issue and show off their bulging calves in a pair of animal-print skin-tight pants. Even if men aren’t comfortable with revealing their boys, I believe that the widespread use of leggings marks an Annie-Hall-level revolution, in which men and women can dress identically and the mass public can question the sexual orientation of both genders!

While Stitch says leggings are regrettable, I say “horseshit.” Leggings-as-pants certainly does not mark a malaise in society’s concern over its outward appearance. Rather, they mark a much-needed revolution in clothing equality. So I formally declare that all people should wiggle their way into some leggings and go crazy cleverly revealing their genitals to whoever is perverted enough to look down there.