An Argument for No Northwestern University Classes on Presidents Day

Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

In 1776, one country dawned in a time of great uncertainty. The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians![1] – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, George Washington, was battling dentures, a vicious, dirty campaign from Frank Underwood (spoiler alert, sorry), and the Germans on the Western Front. But from all of this emerged a beautiful, proud nation. A nation that celebrated its leaders.

Yes, Northwestern University Administration, I am talking about America. And yes, Northwestern University Administration, this nation – OUR nation – beat the odds. From those dark times emerged

An Ode to Flappy Bird (in Sonnet Form)

(via androidpit.com)

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

The passions thou inspirest in me are as hot

But summer, in its endless glory, makes me rather gay

Whereas thine sensitivity makes’t me wish to get shot.

Betwixt green channels I hope you soar

My thumb’s mere press sends you amongst pipes

But now, as for ornithology, I cannot study it any more

I must empty the birdfeeder, for I have some gripes.

Double digits evade me; my maximum score won’t rise

I tap and tap, will thou not reward my labors?

I am addicted – I must play – I shant compromise

Or shall I? I have had enough. Your uninstalling I savor.

AND NOW, STUPID GAME, I DEMAND TO BE HEARD

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY: FUCK YOU, FLAPPY BIRD.

Considering our Options for the ASG 10k Initiative

Our suggestion from last year, which has yet to be passed by President Ani “The Punisher” Ajith.

What would you do with 10,000 dollars? Associated Student Government, as you may know, asks the entire student body this question every year. ASG then applies this sum toward the best answer. I spoke with several members of the Northwestern community regarding their opinion on the matter.

Cameron Jibril Thomas, Ph. D., Psychologist, CAPS: In light of Northwestern’s mental health epidemic, CAPS has responded with different services – clinical services, workshops, etc. – but there is a more effective and far-reaching option. $10,000 could buy 10 pounds of weed and go a long way to improving mental health on campus.

Predicting the NBA Season In Haikus

LeBron’s mom sleeps with// 14 different Heat players// BronBron blames Cleveland.

With the new NBA season up us, and as the most trusted name in expert professional basketball analysis and predictions on the Web today, we decided to give you a heads up about how this season will go. Check out how the conference standings will look come May, alongside some expertly crafted haikus because of course.