You’re the best. Like, the fucking greatest. You have no idea. However, your high friend – you know the one – has several ideas (only five of which are “Bring back the Oreo pizza”). Those ideas: all the reasons why you’re “dope as a mug.” We managed to record the most important ones here, so you know how “freaking great” you are.
The result of a horrible misunderstanding, James Franco lost his life on March 1st during his most recent experimental art piece: The Death of James Franco. Though Franco anticipated that his public autoerotic asphyxiation wouldn’t result in actual death, stating that “art cannot die,” the enigmatic actor lost consciousness and subsequently his life in the “performance.”
Answering the age-old riddle, “If a pop star who doesn’t twerk dies of something that isn’t a drug overdose, does it make a sound?” Leona Lewis was discovered in her apartment seven weeks after her death on October 7, 2014 (cause unknown). Sources reported, “Oh. Leona Lewis. She was a singer right? Is she the one from that ‘Put Your Records On’ song?”
It’s that time of the year again: time to make New Year’s resolutions. That special moment when you tell yourself all of the ambitious lies you’ll think about aggressively for the next week and then completely forget about by the time February comes around. With the creation of these resolutions comes one major urge: the desire to share your list with everyone you know. However, there are four very good reasons why it’s best to not share your New Year’s resolutions with anyone:
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the school
Not a creature was stirring, not even that one engineer who I fucking swear just lives in the library
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that weed would finally be put in there.
The 20-somethings were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Fireball danced in their heads.
And mamma in her sweater, and I in my tank,
Had just settled our brains from a long winter’s drank.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I fell off my bed to check what was the matter.
Away to the window I waddled and stumbled,
“Hey, what the fuck’s that?” I aggressively mumbled.
The moon on the breast (HA. Like boob.) of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my glazed-over eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and holy shit are those reindeer?
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than freshmen running to class,
He whistled, and called, and shouted without any mind to the fact that SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE. Ass.
“On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
Over to the window! And now to the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
Like a regrettable hook-up walking up the road
Away they darted, no mind was showed.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I pulled my face up from my Snapchat,
Down came Santa – APPARENTLY he can just do that.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his toe
Looking like Lady Gaga, at a VMA show.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples red as a cherry!
His cheeks were like roses, like that drunk Asian girl Mary.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin pure white – I think he’d done blow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it circled from his bowl full of kief.
He chuckled and laughed in a quite blissful mood
Then held out his pipe and exclaimed, “hit this, duuuuuude!”
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I frowned when I saw him, and said “you should really try to exercise; being that overweight can lead to high cholesterol, adult onset type 2 diabetes, or, at worst, heart failure; I can actually link you to a great article online about simple ways to improve heart health, if you’re interested? But whatever, no pressure, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life. Just something to consider I guess. I only say because, you know, my Grandfather suffered from heart problems for most of his life. And he was like you, you know. Always pretty overweight. Happy as can be, but, you know, sometimes a good disposition can’t get you everything. I just miss him. It’s hard. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have to bore you with all of this. Just, please, sit down. Do you want something to drink? I have eggnog, or maybe some coffee? It’s a long night for you, I’m sure. Or even a little snack. Help yourself to those cookies. They’re for you…no they’re not gluten free…You’re what?…Oh…I’m sorry, I didn’t know. What exactly is gluten?…Ah, gotcha. Well, um…we have some Cheerios, if you want…oh…ok, yeah sure. No problem. Help yourself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me reason to think I had something to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then started to twerk.
As he dropped his ass right down to the floor,
I knew right then he was a ho ho ho ho.
He sprang to his sleigh, after my grandpa gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Klondike®!”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The fall semester is coming to a close, Christmas is approaching, and you are turning yourself into one giant sweater. However, with the holiday season comes another important annual occurrence: the end of your high school relationship. Yes, just as Kris Kringle shimmies down your chimney to give you a new iPhone and PS4 (PS4, MOM, NOT PS3. JESUS.), you similarly will wriggle your way out the relationship that was doomed to eventual failure over nine months ago when admission letters came out.
While breaking up is never an easy thing to do, it does not have to be an entirely bad experience. That’s why we here at Sherman Ave have gotten together to bring you the five best tips for breaking up with your significant other:
I’ve Decided To Stop Drinking
by Kevin Greenberg
I think I’ve reached my limit. It’s been a fun ride but it’s time the rubber hits the road and I curb my drinking. I know I’m going to miss going downtown on Saturdays and hanging with Greg on Thirsty Thursdays, but I just don’t have time for that kind of stuff anymore. I’m finishing up my senior year and I know it’s time to buckle down to make sure I’m ready to graduate and get a job.
The years really have flown by. One night you go to bed at 5 a.m., a freshman with nothing to lose, and the next morning you wake up at 8 a.m., a senior about to step into the real world. It really hits you hard.
Thanksgiving is a time for family and togetherness, but it’s also a time for loving. Check out some our top tips for making your Thanksgiving the sexiest one yet. Continue reading
The Hunger Games will likely be one of the movie series that defines this generation. It will be talked about for months and referenced for years. In lieu of this, we here at Sherman Ave feel it is of the utmost importance that everyone goes to see it. If, however, the threat of isolation from all of your closest friends and loved ones isn’t enough to convince you, we have 11 more reasons why you should see Catching Fire:
1. Jennifer Lawrence
An actress reaching the peak of her career and continuously improving her already-impressive craft, Jennifer Lawrence’s performance in Catching Fire has already wowed critics and fans alike, and is something you should not miss – even if you’re not a huge fan of the series.
EVANSTON, Ill. – After the official announcement that Venric Mark would be granted a medical hardship waiver and be allowed to play a fifth season, the Northwestern Wildcats’ Senior running back told reporters that he was excited to return to the field, explaining that he hasn’t yet had the career-defining injury he has been working towards. “I’ve put in the hours, spent the time in the weight room – but I haven’t been able to put together that all-around spectacular injury everyone’s expected,” said Mark. “I felt like I was about to break through and do it with (the left ankle fracture) last season, but it didn’t quite happen.”
Head coach Pat Fitzgerald confirmed Mark’s commitment to the Wildcats and desire to produce a truly great debilitating injury. “Venric’s always had big dreams,” said Fitzgerald. “He wants to go out there and give the NFL scouts a jaw-dropping injury they’ll never forget.”
“I want to join the likes of Joe Theismann, Sterling Sharpe, and Bo Jackson,” added Mark. “Those are the guys I look up to.”
Additional sources confirmed that in preparation for Mark’s return, Northwestern’s offensive line had begun practicing “just kind of watching” as defensive linemen run by and maul the team’s most valuable players.
Chicago, Ill.–In what comes as a landmark event for the Midwest, sources have confirmed that the State of Illinois has officially decided to change its slogan to the “Land of Twincoln.”
“It just felt right,” explained Governor Pat Quinn. “The state is moving forward and this is just one of the many changes that will come with the progress we’re seeing.”