The 2014 Oscars: Who Will Win and Who Should Win

Best Picture:

• Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave

• Why: Guiiiiilt trip.

• Who Should Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

• Why: This breathtaking adventure flick digs deep into issues surrounding age, vitality, and societal expectations of the elderly. With gritty performances from its ensemble cast, Bad Grandpa was basically “Nebraska,” “The Wolf Of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” all rolled into one whirlwind ride that critics described as “a movie,” “the next installment in the popular Jackass series,” and “R-rated.”

Best Director:

• Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

• Why: Consider this a make up prize for when his work on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was snubbed.

• Who Should Win:

8 Reasons You Don’t Have A Valentine

Not shown: The Valentine’s Day-themed porno this dude is streaming. (via Mashable)

Well, it’s February 14th once again, and lo and behold, you’re Valentine-less. But don’t curl up with that pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a whole lotta misplaced emotions just yet! You don’t need to sob over your loneliness, because all of us singles can band together and know that we don’t have a Valentine this year because we are just too damn cool to be weighed down in a relationship! Don’t believe me? Just check out these top eight reasons that you don’t have a Valentine this year:

8 Winter Olympic Events Northwestern Would Win

1. Die-athalon. Also known as “Inline Midterms,” the Die-athalon requires the participants to be fully willing to die in University Library over the course of a grueling five day span. The athletes must sustain themselves only on the weird ham sandwiches you can buy in those vending machines on the second floor, and are judged on how many times they click away from Netflix as they pretend to prepare for their six midterms in three classes. The Die-athalon annually claims the lives of all but one of the contestants.

2. Pairs Figure Skating. “The partners see each other now, locking eyes from nearly half a block away on Sheridan. They glide gracefully toward each other, veering side to side in near unison, almost as if they’re actually just trying to pass each other but can’t stop slipping on all this goddamn ice. They’re almost to each other now! The girl falls backwards, pretending to slip, in the utmost display of trust. The man reaches out, catching her in his arms! They spin around, papers flying! And at last they’re still, a perfect catch! 9.8’s from every judge, and gold to Northwestern!”

Your Guide to Super Bowl XLVIII

(via Wikipedia)

Q: What is the Super Bowl?

A: It’s a game of American football played between professional teams.

Q: Is this different from the Superb Owl?

A: No.

Q: So why is it different from any other game?

A: The Super Bowl is a much bigger game, with much higher stakes.

Q: I’m intrigued, explain more about these stakes.

A: In the Super Bowl, each touchdown is worth six points, unless the defense invokes the Vanderbilt Rule and successfully clubs at least three (3) baby seals before the extra point attempt. If the defense is able to Vandy in time, the score is worth only four and everyone has to wear Ralph Lauren, Chubbies, topsiders and speak in a southern drawl for the next five minutes. Additionally, the winning team may choose any eight virgins from the other team’s city.

Q: Anything else happen to the losing team?

A: They’re forced to stare at Roger Goodell’s dick until they go blind.

Q: This seems messed up.

A: You should see the NFL’s collective bargaining agreement.

Q: How many players are on each team?

A: 11 are on the field for each team at a time.

Q: Why 11?

A: To represent Jesus and the 10 Disciples.

Q: I’m not sure that’s right.

A: I’m a Catholic priest.

Q: So who’s playing in the Super Bowl?

A: The Seattle Seahawks (booooo) and the Denver Broncos (yay, I guess).

Q: Why do we like the Broncos better?

A:  While Seattle has some likeable players like Russell Wilson, Richard Sherman and Marshawn Lynch, they are also coached by an absolute douchenozzle. The Broncos, on the other hand, have a coach who overcame a heart surgery and a quarterback who overcame a spinal injury.

Q: Which team has that tight end who killed like eight people?

A: Neither, the Broncos actually defeated that team last week.

Q: Now I understand why we’re all rooting for Denver.

A: That, and it’s funny because Seattle doesn’t even have an NBA team any more.

Q: Low blow. What’s a “12th Man?”

A: A mythical creature native to the northwest United States, the 12th Man wanders wooded areas, scaring campers and complaining about the officiating in Super Bowl XL.

Q: Why do we use Roman numerals in naming the Super Bowl?

A: Because we ~fancy~.

Q: Where is the Super Bowl being played?

A: Just outside of New York City.

Q: Ohhh, so this is all about New York! That’s why we all care!

A: You are Satan.

Q: Teehee.

A: …Any more questions?

Q: Yeah, do we all get free Papa John’s if Peyton Manning wins?

A: No, but I do next time I order because I’m just one point short of a free pizza on Papajohns.com!

Q: How high will everyone in Washington and Colorado be?

A: OMG NO WAY THE TWO TEAMS PLAYING ARE FROM STATES THAT LEGALIZED POT YOU MUST BE THE FIRST PERSON TO NOTICE.

Q: How long ago was Janet’s wardrobe malfunction?

A: 10 years.

Q: That’s when I discovered my sexuality.

A: Now I’m sad.

Q: What if I just wanna watch for the commercials?

A: Totally fine! Just make sure to tell everyone that over and over and over during the game and act all annoyed when people cheer.

Q: Have you seen that Budweiser commercial with the puppy?!

A: IT CHANGED ME.

Q: NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME.

A: Good chat.

Point/Counterpoint: Is “Frozen” Humanity’s High Point?

Point: Frozen is the greatest thing that has ever happened to humanity.

Well, it’s all downhill from here, folks. We got what we came for, and what we came for was the perfect animated musical. See, as a human being with a heart, two eyes and a set of ears, I can confirm that

Administration To NUCuisine Workers: “Don’t Get Any Ideas”

EVANSTON, Ill.– Following the news that players on the Northwestern football team have filed a petition to unionize, the school’s administration told cafeteria workers Tuesday “not to pay any attention to that stuff” and to “get back to work.”

Bieber To Invoke “Stand Your Ground” Defense

MIAMI– Explaining that the law provides “blanket immunity for white people,” pop star Justin Bieber announced Thursday that he will use Florida’s “Stand Your Ground Defense” against

“Ugh, I’m Such A SWUG,” Announces Girl With a 3.9 And Offers From McKinsey And Nielsen

EVANSTON– Senior Anna Penderson told her friends Tuesday afternoon that she is “officially” a senior washed up girl, according to witness reports.

“Ugh, I’m such a SWUG,” she declared while poring over her econometrics notes. “Like,

GOP Candidate Declares Duck Dynasty Star The “Rosa Parks Of Our Generation”

Republican congressional candidate Ian Bayne said Saturday that Phil Robertson, the star of Duck Dynasty who was suspended for controversial anti-gay and racist remarks, is the “Rosa Parks of our generation” for his opposition to gay rights.

Translating the Things NU Kids Say Around Finals

“I completely failed that final”: I’d estimate that I got an 82% on that final.

“I honestly haven’t even started studying”: Besides these notes I took, all the lectures I attended and readings I did, and this handy little study guide I drafted up.

“We get a one-page cheat sheet, but I don’t think it’ll really help”: I will put the entirety of human knowledge on that sheet in size .25 font.