Archive by Author

Barack Obama Kills Terrorists, Slays an Al Green Song

20 Jan

Hello folks,

I’m briefly popping in during my wine-and -olive-oil-soaked vacation to share this adorable video of Barack Obama singing Rev. Al Green’s ‘Let’s Stay Together’ at the Apollo Theater in Harlem on Thursday.

In the video, the President shows the first in a series of events that made Michelle weak in the knees and created half of the first family. This is not the first time the two-time Grammy winner (true) has wowed an audience with his vocal chops.

Here he gives some tips on being a smooth operator and sings some Dionne Warwick.

And here he channels the Queen of Soul back in 2008.

SWOON, am I right?

What I’m Giving Up for Lent

9 Mar

In case you haven’t heard, today is Ash Wednesday: the day when good little Catholic girls and boys make New Year’s resolutions in an effort for repentance. I certainly wish someone had reminded me of this before I leaned over to the girl sitting next to me in my Human Sexuality class to tell her she had something on her forehead. She laughed. I thought she was crazy.

I've got some/dirt on my forehead/could you brush it off for me?

At any rate, I got to thinking about what things I could go about losing. Here’s my favorites. For this year’s lent I will give up:

My Virginity: Yes. I know. Hard to believe that resident sexpert Norman “the sex” Stein is still a virgin. But like the virgin mother Mary, I’ve just been biding my time until I’ve met the most powerful person I can think of to take my v-card. Mary had God. For me, no less than Morty “8-inch appendage” Schapiro will suffice, making us about even. By Easter, I plan on making something rise, if you know what I mean.

My Sense of Irony: Hipsters be damned. I can go 40 days without blaming my guilty pleasures on some abstract form of irony. And for those of you saying. “But Norm! You’re not Catholic. Isn’t this whole post ir-” NO.

Liking on Facebook: Most of my likes are based on my sense of irony anyways.

The Word “Fucksaw”: Even I’m sick of it.

What are you giving up for Lent? Leave a comment!

Women Should Leave the Kitchen and Edit Wikipedia

2 Feb

A recent New York Times article reported that only 15 percent of Wikipedia contributors are women, a figure that is unacceptable for a variety of reasons.

She should be dusting, but the rest of this picture is ideal.

The George Clooney page does not mention his dreamy eyes once, and the article on post-structuralism is not nearly simple enough for the lesser gender to understand.

Why is this?

Because women are too busy washing dishes to read a book and converge the information into a well-organized, yet normally long-winded and redundant tiered essay. The power to edit also damages their delicate sense of insecurity.

She said her group had persuaded women to express themselves by urging them to shift the focus “away from oneself — ‘do I know enough, am I bragging?’ — and turn the focus outward, thinking about the value of your knowledge.”

Yes, women. Your knowledge is valuable! You offer a unique perspective on the world! The New York Times is even offering subtle suggestions on which topics need your input!

Even the most famous fashion designers — Manolo Blahnik or Jimmy Choo — get but a handful of paragraphs. And consider the disparity between two popular series on HBO: The entry on “Sex and the City” includes only a brief summary of every episode, sometimes two or three sentences; the one on “The Sopranos” includes lengthy, detailed articles on each episode.

Yes! This! Exactly this! The world needs more information about Sex and the City! I don’t know anything about that show due to the fact that I’m both a man and the Wikipedia page is severely lacking. All I know is that it’s about a bunch of post-menopausal harlots who reject domesticity and therefore make ineffective housewives who will never find a man to settle down with due to their stubbornness.

The power of women to divert their chattiness from inattentive boyfriends to the popular online encyclopedia is an important step towards immortalizing 21st century views on laundry and speaking only when spoken to. Women are good for something after all!

UPDATE: We’re inspiring women everywhere.

Pic via: [WHITEZINE]

I For One Welcome Our New Overlord Rahm Emanuel

27 Jan

Rahm Emanuel’s campaign for mayor of the city of Chicago has been brought back from the brink of destruction by seven old people in Springfield, IL. This trumps the decision made by three other old people, who had ruled that the Chicago politician was ineligible to run due to Chicago residency requirements.

The unanimous 7-0 vote surprises exactly no one. The more interesting aspect of this story is the judicial bitch-fight which played out in the Supreme Court’s opinion write-up.

Thus, our review of the appellate court’s decision in this case begins not where it should, with an assessment of whether the court accurately applied established Illinois law to the particular facts, but with an assessment of whether the appellate court was justified in tossing out 150 years of settled residency law in favor of its own preferred standard. We emphatically hold that it was not.

Damn. The analysis goes on to state the basis for the Supreme Court’s decision and takes a few subtle and not-so-subtle shots at the original appellate court.

Of course, the appellate court did not see the statutory question this way. But its reasons for departing from over 100 years of settled residency law are hardly compelling and deserve only brief attention.

The Illinois Supreme Court found the appellate court’s decision to be a flippant and vague application of imaginary statutes. Let’s recap:

Appellate Court: We can’t let you do that Rahm!
Rahm: LOL. What say you, Supreme Court?
Supreme Court: Bitch please. What are they smoking? LOL.

And thus, Rahm Emanuel was made mayor of Chicago. Democracy.


Other Rules Made Before Jesus that Evanston Will Enforce

27 Jan

We’ve won! All hail the mighty Morty Schapiro for kicking ass and taking names.

We must now, as a loving community, turn our attention to other antiquated laws which may or may not (I didn’t check) still be on the books today. A New York Times article published Feb. 14, 1922 outlines dire consequences for students failing to follow strict city ordinances.

Max Witower, Justice of the Peace and Sage of Evanston, who decrees what Northwestern University boys and co-eds may not do-and what will happen if they do-today handed down a new decalogue whose ten high crimes and misdemeanors are punishable with a spanking.

Sounds serious.

The rules, designed to apply to all students and just kids, are to be enforced, in the case of masculine offenders, by Policeman Carl Exman and in the case of girls by Policewoman Georgiana Jerell. The minimum spank sentence is five and the maximum twenty-five.

While I imagine about 10 percent (this is Northwestern so make that 40 percent) of the male student population probably wouldn’t mind being forcefully punished by Mr. Hunky-Policeman Carl Exman, the rules indicate a long history of fun-killing at the hands of Evanston city officials. Which horrible offenses will make it difficult for me to sit down for the next week?

Don’t wear “sloppy” (i.e. unbuckled) goloshes.
Don’t swear in public unless 21 or over.
Don’t use cigarettes unless 21 or over.
Don’t spoon in an automobile where the public can see.
Don’t get dormitory decorations by stealing “souvenirs.”
Don’t take some one else’s auto for a joy ride.
Don’t “fly ride” (i.e. ride on running boards, radiator or tire carriers) on automobiles.
Don’t hook bobsleds or sleds on automobiles.
Don’t roller skate in the downtown district.
Don’t be a rowdy in an ice cream parlor.

I’m arguably guilty of six of these, and the city of Evanston is guilty of using “rowdy” in the form of a noun. Point being that if Evanston begins reviving disturbingly outdated and offensive laws, as they are wont to do, we could be in for serious issues.

Want to yell about blowjobs in the streets? Instead of slightly humorous e-mails from Dean of Students Burgwell Howard, you would get slightly less humorous licks of the paddle.

Want to pre-game your next trip to Coldstone Creamery? That’ll be the belt for you.

Like to steal traffic cones and use them to funnel moonshine into your mouth? Might as well cut a switch before you even think about it.

Protect your rights, Northwestern students. Protect your right to spoon wherever the hell you want to spoon. Protect your right to roller skate over little girls on their way to church. Protect your right to wear the sloppiest galoshes you own.

An unknown (honestly not doing research) man once said “Proverbs are the cream of a nation’s thought.” But what is rowdiness except the nation of an ice cream parlor’s proverb? Or something.