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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Living in the Mid-Quads

11 Aug

Seeing “North Mid-Quad” on my housing form was the emotional rollercoaster from hell. I was filled with joy seeing the word “north,” only to crumple into a sobbing ball on the floor when I actually took the time to look up the southern shithole in which I would be spending my first year of college.

Well, prepare yourselves, because I fucking loved living in the Mid-Quads. Mhm I said it… I LOVED NMQ AND I DON’T Continue reading

Selena Gomez arrives on campus; lives are ruined

5 Mar
Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

EVANSTON — According to several poorly worded texts from friends, Selena Gomez visited campus on Monday. She was spotted at Hinman dining hall eating a minuscule slice of pizza, conversing with the grill lady, and Instagramming the salad bar.

One student who was eager to be interviewed, Chester Hanks, decided to skip class in order to meet Gomez. “She’s my dream girl. I figured if I met her and threw down some of my sick verses, she’d want to star in my next incredibly creative music video,” said Hanks.

Reporters were unable to reach #Kinetik for a statement on Chester’s up-and-coming hit, titled “Which One of You Peasants Stole My iPad.”

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Fall Quarter, Freshman Year – What You Have/Will Have Learned

11 Oct

Tears come easier afteer a long day of pregaming football games.

My fall quarter freshman year was a whirlwind of Skol, strangers, and non-existent study hours. If you’re a freshman, learn these lessons now. If you’re not, congratu-fucking-lations on your extraordinary level of coolness and your through-the-roof tolerance. I’m sure you can relate to all of these.

You should probably study sometime
Those C’s will catch up with you and prevent you from doing some pretty cool shenanigans. For those of you who didn’t have to study in high school – shit got real once you showed up here. Learn how to study (it’s difficult, I know).

People here all have cool backgrounds and interesting stories
Most people at Northwestern aren’t vapid, moronic human beings. We’re all pretty cool and interesting. I even know someone from a town who had a guy going around fucking sheep. Yes, you read that right.

Dressing up for parties isn’t as fun and sexy as you thought it’d be
In fact, it’s really tiring… I’m just straight up exhausted with seeing decked-out freshmen walk into parties rolling 30-deep. It’s 7 degrees outside. Ditch the skirt that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination and do your best to obtain a little self-respect.

Dignity is hard!
Your hookups will definitely come back to haunt you on your walk down Sheridan Road, and you wont know if a) they remember you and b) if you should say hi. You’ll also probably have had some less than stellar nights and moments at parties where “What the fuck?” was the only possible reaction. Hold your head high and suck it up. You’re better than those moments and people will forget about it. Probably.

That awkwardness doesn’t mean you should be unfriendly as fuck, however. Don’t reinforce the stereotype that we nerds here at Northwestern are also socially incompetent. We all know that you remember taking shots to big booty hoes this weekend, so acknowledge me when I pass you by.

You shouldn’t be pretending to “know” people
Remember that one time you walked up to that frat house, dropped a random Facebook friend’s name, and was promptly told that he was out of the country? Yeah, you’re always going to feel weird about that one. Make real connections and don’t abuse your friendships in order to get drunk.

And if you haven’t learned anything else, you must have learned that applications to write for Sherman Ave are available NOW.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Wildcat Welcome Week

14 Sep

Prepare to develop a complex love-hate relationship with the color purple.

First of all, I would like to preface this article by stating that all of you incoming freshmen are lucky bastards. Wildcat Welcome Week is easily one of the greatest weeks in college (I see you, Halloweek). It is literally a week of debauchery and a few early morning events that the University believes will deter you from drinking. Wildcat Welcome Week will be your first taste of true college freedom and tons of upperclassmen will be on campus with nothing to do but twirl their thumbs and do their best to corrupt the shit out of you.

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ALCOHOL IS ALWAYS THE SOLUTION: How to Make Registration Less Mentally Taxing

14 May

Die, you sick fuck.

It’s that time of the year again, the moment we all dread more than walking in on our roommate watching Hulu naked yet again. No, not another music video released by Chet Haze. NO, not another degrading week-long fraternity event. N0O, not time for another Markwell-themed campaign. GOOD GOD, PEOPLE, I’M TALKING ABOUT CLASS REGISTRATION.

Valid blanket statement: WE ALL HATE CAESAR. It is a registration site designed to make everyone want to drop out and cry. However, if you’d rather kill yourself slowly, there are always options.

Whenever I am upset and want to kill myself slowly, I turn to one of three things:

  1. Drinking wine
  2. Drinking beer
  3. Drinking hard alcohol

Due to the fact that CAESAR is a devil designed specifically to shit on every Northwestern student’s academic life, I have created a practical and supportive way to deal with registration:

The CAESAR Registration Drinking Game

  • Your registration time:
    – If your registration time is at or before 11, take 238,474 shots and die because everyone hates you.
    – If your registration time is between 11 and 3, take a shot of a liquor of your choice. Have fun finding soley middle-of-the-road classes to sign up for.
    – If your registration time is after 3, take a shot of Skol. It has to be Skol because it is miserable and you will be too once you attempt to find an available class, only to realize all that’s left is fucking Baroque Art.
  • The actual registration process:
    – Slap the bag in celebration of every class you successfully get into without CAESAR trying to screw you up the ass. 30 seconds per class, or longer if you can handle it (in which case I am positive we are soul mates).
    – Shotgun a beer every time you try to sign up for a class, everything seems to be going smoothly, and BAM… You can’t sign up for this class because it conflicts with another. Again, CAESAR has come up from behind and gotten the best of you.
    – Take a pull from a handle (screw classiness, you self-righteous fuck) every time you have to put yourself on the waitlist and email a professor begging to take his class. Getting on your knees for school is never an attractive option, and neither is taking a pull from a handle. Sack up.
    – Find a roof and jump off of it every time you accidentally hit the back arrow and it takes you all the way back to the CAESAR home page. I know swan diving off the NMQ roof seems like your only option every time this happens – I speak from experience.

    Your final schedule:
    – If you’re one of those people who takes 5+ classes just for shits and giggles…. Get the fuck out. Seriously. Leave. I got 99 problems and 3 of them are classes that I can’t register for because you’re taking them for “fun.”
    – If you are a part-time student for no other reason than you felt like it, drink. Drink everything. Take advantage of this glorious opportunity and have no shame. (On a side note, if someone could please explain what it means to have “shame,” I would forever be grateful)
    – If you have no classes on Fridays (or Tuesdays, or practically any other day of the week) so you’re able to rage the night before, take a shot of your favorite alcohol because you deserve it, you lucky bastard.
    – If you post your schedule on Facebook, take a double shot and mentally prepare yourself. Your creepy ass stalker from that sketchy fraternity is about to register for as many of your discussion sections as humanly possible. Nice work.

According to a survey of 50,000 imaginary human beings, drinking relieves all stress and solves every single one of your problems. Therefore, this drinking game is the perfect solution to your CAESAR registration woes. Good luck, and for your sake I hope there are no 9 a.m. classes left. Spend your money on alcohol rather than books and your future will look bright… I swear.

Five Things to NOT DO with Your Prospective Student

23 Apr

For the love of God, don't show them your fucksaw.

So my roommate decided to take on the task of having a prospective student aka “prospie” stay with us for part of a week. Luckily, we didn’t pick her up until Sunday, so the debauchery of the weekend was (mostly) behind us.

But quite frankly, the idea of having to take a prospie under my wing for more than 10 minutes scares the fuck out of me. Quite honestly, I question my ability to stay composed for more than an hour or two at a time. Instead of getting the high schooler drunk in a frat basement, I composed a list of things not to do with your prospie. Good luck and try not to let the kid die…

1. DO NOT allude to your promiscuous nature
This one hits close to home. Imagine being a smart, practical, religious young’un itching to go to college and your find out that the student you paired with is a raging whore. My roommate, a friend down the hall, and I once stole an exit sign from a now-closed fraternity (R.I.P.*) and have turned it into a glory board of former hookups and indiscretions. However, that piece of obscene plastic is now locked safe and sound in my file cabinet**. Don’t want to scare the poor kid off.

2. DO NOT blackout
Sure, your prospective student wants to witness Northwestern’s social scene firsthand. And yeah, maybe you want to take the little one to a shindig of sorts (avoid the douchey frats, for the love of god). However, a sloppy drunk fuck is never attractive. No senior in high school wants to wake up in a stranger’s room to you yelling “What the fack happened last night?!? Lyke 0Mg I ju$t found 5 dollerz in my boobie!” Cut the kid some slack and be somewhat responsible for like 3 days. I know you can do it.

3. DO NOT abandon them in the steam tunnels/frat quads/Plex
After you abandon these poor National Merit Scholars, I can only assume they will go home with daddy issues and want to sleep with every person they meet. They’ll look like they were beaten (these locations can be dangerous***) and their parents will want to have you arrested. Just don’t leave them alone for long, unsupervised stretches.

4. DO NOT take them to the library
Listen, your “prospie” isn’t coming here to fucking read a book while you study for your next Gender Studies paper. I know you don’t fucking do your homework til the night before, anyways, so put off some of that shit and be cool so your prospie wants to come here. Take them into Evanston and show them all of its glory.… and try not to suck.

Allowing them to slap the bag for any longer than 35 seconds is unacceptable.

5. DO NOT do anything else you normally do
I can’t seem to think of another thing not to do with your prospie other than small things such as: throw up on them, listen to Chet Haze 24/7, make them eat the steamed vegetables at Plex, treat them like a pet (FREE THE LEASH KIDS!), call them racial slurs, tell them how much you love Rick Perry, etc.

Basically, here is my advice: JUST TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP FOR THE REST OF US. We need some normal prospies to come here… We can’t have an entire school full of douchey kids in snapbacks and pop star wannabe’s.

*I’m only a minor drunken kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, no one will be needing to exit this frat any time in the near future.
**A location in which I also store a handle of Skol and a small portion of what is left of my dignity.
***A combination of the burns from the steam tunnels and the sheer shame of an interaction with a Sig Ep brother will make your prospie want to die and his/her father want to beat you.