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Local Man First to Notice Easter and 4/20 Are Same Day

19 Apr

SALINE, Mi. – According to sources, local man Evan McSweeny pointed out to a small group of his friends this afternoon that the holiday of Easter and the cult holiday of 4/20 occur on the same day in the year 2014 – April 20th.

“Yeah man, isn’t that nuts,” McSweeny reportedly commented to his friend group while giggling wildly. “Jesus is gonna be getting high off of God and shit, and off of some gnarly kush.” Continue reading

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Dunkin’ Donuts to be Removed from Norris; Administration: “April Fools!”

1 Apr
(via Northwestern)

Chen also pointed out that the fine print barely visible in this image’s bottom left-hand corner reads “also leaving this spring.” (via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il. – The Norris Student Center at Northwestern University announced this morning that the recently-added Dunkin’ Donuts restaurant in the student center’s bottom floor will be discontinued only a day after it opened, as it was in fact all part of a long-planned April Fools joke by the administration.

“Man, you suckers really fell for it,” NU Cuisine Chief of Operations Zachary Chen commented. “You think we would actually impede on Frontera Fresco’s space? They need the entire Norris lower level to make those delicious, fifteen-dollar sandwiches.”

When asked why NU Cuisine, Norris, and Northwestern as a whole would play such a joke on its student body, a joke that one could consider cruel and unusual, Chen replied “because fuck you, that’s why. You’re gonna eat what we give you, and that’s final. What other choice do you have? The Einstein’s on Clark? Ha ha, ok; have fun waiting twenty minutes to get a bagel there.”

In unrelated news, Norris announced that it would also begin charging students a toll of $1.50 to visit Lakefill on days when the temperature is above 73 degrees Fahrenheit, just for the hell of it.

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Like donuts?  Are a donut?  Apply to write for Sherman Ave!!!

 

 

Study: Many NU Students Back to Being Horrible People They Were before DM

24 Mar
(via Northwestern)

(via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il – A little over two weeks ago, Northwestern University’s Dance Marathon concluded its thirtieth and final hour, leaving thousands of participating students elated, overcome with emotion, and instilled with the motivation and drive to be better students, better friends, and overall better people to and for the campus culture around them.

Now, a recently conducted study reports that all such feelings have completely vanished from the above-mentioned students, leaving them in a mental state virtually identical to that of any given participant pre-DM.

“It’s quite the phenomenon,” said Dr. Waldo Hurphburger, a professor of Sociology at Northwestern and the chief researcher of the above study.  “In a single thirty-hour period, a morally repugnant, despicably selfish student can become a beacon of charitable kindness and generosity; then, in as little as sixty hours later, lose all such kindness and go back to being, in layman’s terms, a total fucking tool.”

Continue reading

Guy in Library Eating Chips Very Loudly

18 Mar

Portrait of a young man eating potato chipsEVANSTON, Il – While studying for your Economics 310-1 final this afternoon in the References section of University Library, reports have confirmed that the guy using the desk directly next to yours has begun to eat a small bag of potato chips, making a significant amount of chewing noises in the process.

The guy, who you do not know and have never seen before, has removed a bag of Lay’s Baked Sour Cream and Onion potato chips from his backpack, and is now opening them, crinkling the paper-thin bag in the process.  He is proceeding, according to reports, to eat each chip not only loudly and vigorously, but slowly; which, you notice, only adds to the distinctly audible and somewhat unsettling sounds of mastication the guy is creating.  The numerous reports also state that Continue reading

If Holden Caulfield Did Dance Marathon

6 Mar
King of the phony-haters. (via Wikipedia)

King of the phony-haters. (via Wikipedia)

IF YOU REALLY want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is why I decided to do Dance Marathon, how I got to Northwestern, and what the lousy Subway sandwich I ate right before Block 1 started was like, and all that Morty Schapiro kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, because, in the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, I’ve been up for about forty hours straight and I feel like hell, like absolute hell.  I’m not kidding.

Where I want to start telling is the moment I walked into Norris, which is this old crumby building that’s by this goddamn lake, which is right next to an even bigger goddamn lake.  I felt kind of cold, so I decided to put on my red hunting hat, because I get cold really easy.  It’s true.  I’m seventeen goddamn years old, and I get the shivers and aches and goddamn pneumonia every goddamn month, for chrissake.

Anyway, they took us to this room and all, and all of these kids – and this just killed me – Continue reading

Student Calls Chicago “Chiberia;” Thinks He Is Clever, Trendy

26 Feb
Pictured: Chiberia, sometimes referred to as #Chiberia. (via mnn.com)

Pictured: Chiberia, sometimes referred to as #Chiberia. (via mnn.com)

EVANSTON, IL – Sources reported that Northwestern student Zachary Goldowitz (Weinberg ’16) said the word “Chiberia” during a conversation with his friends at lunch today and, as a result, was very, very pleased with himself.

“Yeah guys, I swear, I’m so done with living in Chiberia,” Goldowitz reportedly said, taking care to slow down the cadence of his voice drastically upon hitting that last word, in order to let his friends be able to process how cool and hip he truly is.  “When will winter end, right?”

The word Chiberia – an amalgamation of the proper nouns “Chicago” and “Siberia” – has been widely used by a large swath of the Chicagoland population in order to describe the especially cold temperatures of northeastern Illinois this winter.  The logic of the name derives from the fact that “C,” “H,” and “I” are the first three letters of “Chicago;” and that “Siberia,” a far-northern region of Russia from which the moniker takes its final five letters, is one of the coldest areas on Earth.

In order to showcase his mastery of such a niche cultural reference, Goldowitz reportedly Continue reading

Guest Column: Women Should Not Be Judged Only by Their Attractiveness, Personality, Intelligence, Past Accomplishments, and Overall Moral Character

9 Feb

By Ella di Mancuso (Medill ’16)

Alright, Northwestern; we need to have a serious talk.Arch

There’s a problem on this campus, and it’s not just the polar vortexes or the fact that Dunkin’ Donuts still doesn’t exist yet.  It’s not a problem everyone has – only about half of the students at Northwestern have experienced it.  I’ve had friends that have experienced it.  I’ve seen people on Sheridan and in Norris that have experienced it.  I’ve experienced it.  And unless we address this issue now, unless we change the culture of this campus, people are going to keep experiencing it.

Guys, seriously: Stop judging a female student only by her good looks and personal skills and grades and student group involvement and overall common sense and list of accomplishments and whether she is actually a good person or not.

It’s a problem that’s quickly spiraling out of control, and all you have to do is Continue reading

Man Waiting by Mailbox for Check from Esurance

3 Feb
check-mailbox

Halloran, conveniently photographed as he was checking his mailbox from the inside of his mailbox.

Northville, MI – Local man Brian Halloran, 34, as of 8:37 AM today, has been anxiously waiting by the mailbox in front of his apartment complex, expecting to receive an immediately-cashable check from insurance company Esurance.

“They said on ad I get money,” Halloran remarked. “I like money.  I want money.  If I wait here, I get money.  Want money now.”

Esurance, a company that sells car insurance, made national waves when they ran an ad immediately following yesterday’s Super Bowl, promising to give away $1.5 million to a random twitter user, provided the user tweeted the hashtag “#EsuranceSave30.”

Halloran was one of the 25 million twitter accounts to do so, each of which tweeted the hashtag an average of two times, making the total number of #EsuranceSave30 tweets total 50,000,000.

“I win money,” he said to himself at 9:29, 10:16, 11:53, 1:44, 3:20, and 5:02 today. “Win money get happy.  Esurance and Jim Halpert give me money.  I like money now.”

Halloran’s odds to win the $1.5 million, which would most likely be less than half that amount when adjusted for taxes, are 0.00000002%.

“Her” “Really Changed Me” Says Friend Who Won’t Shut Up about “Her”

19 Jan

EVANSTON, IL – At 6:50 PM Saturday, your friend saw the film Her, and, since his time of viewing the movie, has, quite literally, not stopped talking to you about how you need to see it.

Her Spike Jonze Love Story

(via zukuheler.sourceforge.net)

“No, dude, you don’t understand, it’s very powerful,” your friend remarked to you late Saturday evening. “It’s honestly the most intimate love story I think I’ve ever seen.  Like, maybe more so than Eternal Sunshine.  No, I’m serious.”

Her, written and directed by the same guy who co-created a show where coke addicts willingly got kicked in the crotch for your entertainment, is, as far as you can tell, about a guy who falls in love with his iPhone.  You also noticed that the chick who played Mark Wahlberg’s wife in The Fighter is in it, and, you postulate, she’s probably pretty good in whatever role she’s playing.

The film has received acclaim critically, commercially, and from your friend, who just this morning texted you, reminding you to, if you have the chance, see it as soon as you possibly can.

“It changed me dude you won’t regret it,” your friend said over text message. “I know you like deep movies so I don’t see why you wouldn’t like this one.”

This marks the third year in a row your friend has incessantly pestered you to see a film he really really likes around Oscar season.  Last year, at his unrelenting behest, you saw Les Misérables, a movie that is approximately 8 hours long and features musical numbers sang by the guy from Gladiator; and the year before last year, he obsessively bothered you about Midnight in Paris, a movie directed by a 78-year old man who is married to his stepdaughter.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Vomelette

17 Jan

There are many extra-curricular activities in which to participate on any given college campus.  We, as students, are all busy with classes, of course, but we’re often even busier with things besides classes.  These extra-curricular activities, all of them, any of them, are highly enriching, and you should absolutely do them and meet people and expose yourself to new experiences and all of those great things.

Imagine this, but with a slightly green tone, and you've got it.

Imagine this, but with a slightly greenish tone, and you’ve got it.

However, there is a chance that, with certain extra-curricular activities, you will need to communicate to the current members of that certain extra-curricular activity that you are a worthy “prospect,” for lack of a better term.  You may have to do this through an interview, a feat of physical strength, or other such “tests.”   But for a certain extra-curricular activity, you may be required to (or rather encouraged, since you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to but if you don’t do this thing you might get, for example, “taunted,” for lack of a better term, in some manner), say, digest something, whether it be a food or drink; and, for a certain extra-curricular activity, the name of which is irrelevant and unnecessary to give, this food or drink may be, to most, undesirable to consume.

Continue reading