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Student Excited to Return Home to Completely Sentient Laundry Machine

14 Dec
woman-basket-laundry-14043134

Levey’s washer-dryer unit, in “midwestern white” paint scheme

NAPERVILLE, Ill. – Upon the completion of his winter exams, sources reported that Northwestern student Alex Levey (Weinberg, ’17) was incredibly excited about the prospect of returning home to his father; younger sister; and completely mobile, breathing, and absolutely sentient two-in-one washer-dryer unit.

“Man, I’ve just missed it so much,” Levey commented, “The washers and dryers at college are just shit.  But at my house, not only does my washer-dryer clean my clothes for free, but it also makes me lunch and dinner too.

“I don’t know how I’d get my clothes clean at home without it.”

Levey’s 1961 washer-dryer model, which is voice activated, is also able to gather the clothing from the floor of Levey’s bedroom, Levey’s bathroom, or wherever else Levey may choose to leave his dirty laundry.  Additionally, the model has the ability to clean dirty dishes; shop for groceries; and create human life within itself from only a small splattering of white gunk, nurture, feed, and protect that life inside itself for months, and then remove the watermelon-sized vessel of vitality from itself through a hole slightly smaller than a walnut.

Journalism Student Writes Article Defending Millennials While Vigorously Masturbating

5 Dec
Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.

Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed.  They expect a reward for every little thing they do.  Continue reading

Hey Boy, Whatcha Doin’: One Man’s Confession of New Girl Fandom

2 Dec
via vimeo.com

via vimeo.com

Editor’s Note:  This is a very moving, personal piece. It required months of careful preparation and was written with emotion, courage, tears, and courage.  Please show some respect and share it on your Facebook wall.

Last weekend I was at a party with some friends, and I found myself talking to a girl.  We hit it off really well.  We had a lot of the same interests – but one particular one really stood out.  And that one particular interest carried the conversation.

“I know it’s unconventional, but I like Winston the best…”

My favorite thing she did was when she dressed as an old-timey cigarette girl for that one party at the bar.  Remember that?  That was pretty quirky…”

“You know in my apartment we actually have a douchebag jar?  It’s so funny…”

But then it stopped.  A large, brown-haired, brown-eyed young man came up to me and stared me dead in the eyes. Continue reading

Hey Everybody Look at This Funny Video I Found That No One Else Has Talked About Yet

25 Nov

Hi everyone.  Prince Giblets here.  Hope you’re all wrapping up with school stuff and are nice and ready for Thanksgiving.Bound 3

I’ll make this quick.  I just wanted to tell all of you about this really funny video I just found.  It’s with the fat guy from Freaks and Geeks and then the – well, actually, let me back up.  Continue reading

College Student Posts Status in Support of Gay Marriage; Is True American Hero

6 Nov
Wilkinson's tireless actions, she hopes, will make the world better for "all my super hot gay friends."

Wilkinson’s tireless actions, she hopes, will make the world better for “all my really hot skinny male gay friends.”

EVANSTON, IL – Local student Jessica Wilkinson, who yesterday posted a Facebook status reading “GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL IN ILLINOIS!  Awesome day for this nation #GayRights”, is being hailed as the next great American civil rights visionary by peers and political pundits alike. Continue reading

Sherman Ave Goes One Full Month Without Mayor Tisdahl-Themed Column

5 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – As of noon local time today, local college-based humor site and Northwestern cultural touchstone Sherman Ave has not published an article about Elizabeth Tisdahl on its page for one entire month – the longest amount of time ever between Tisdahl-themed articles.

The website, founded by Evander Jones in 2010 that has amassed nearly Continue reading

11 Things Only 1790s Kids Will Understand

26 Oct

The clothes, the music, the crazy things that happened – no decade was as great as the 1790s.  And if you’re a true kid of the 90s, you’ll have a major nostalgia attack when you see the images we scraped together off Google images in about 20 minutes:

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: A&O Blowout

9 Oct

This Friday, A&O (which stands for something, but literally no one knows what) is hosting a concert featuring a black musical act preceded by a white musical act that guy from Community, and some band that you don’t listen to, but that one girl from your dorm who ironically wears the same glasses as your grandpa listens to.  It’s at some time, probably at night.[1]  There will also be Morty Schapiro a special guest.  They actually do this concert every fall, they host it at our basketball arena (Welsh-Ryan), and they call it A&O Blowout.

The site of what will certainly be the greatest experience of the latter half of one of your Fridays.

The site of what will certainly be the greatest experience of the latter half of one of your Fridays.

Now, you’re a freshman, and the only concert experience you’ve ever had is that one time you went with your mom to see John Mayer and had to uncomfortably listen to her sing along with “Your Body is a Wonderland”.  You’re in college now, and after almost four weeks on campus you think you’ve pretty much got everything down pat.  So since there’s this concert being held very close to campus that’s like super cheap, you’re probably thinking, “fuck yeah, let’s go!”  And you should go.  Attending Blowout is a freshman rite-of-passage; you go your first year here, realize it’s kinda meh, and then never go again.[2]  That being said, it definitely doesn’t have to be meh; you can have a great time, as long as you know what to do and what to expect.  So let Sherman Ave fill you in with the deets.  You trust us, right?

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Total Fucking Idiots Try to Have Intelligent Conversation about Breaking Bad

28 Sep

(WARNING: CONTAINS BREAKING BAD SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY)

EVANSTON – Early Friday night, three Northwestern University students, all of whom are complete morons, reportedly attempted to have a meaningful discussion about the characters, symbols, and possible outcome of the hit television series Breaking Bad, whose series finale airs this Sunday at 8:00 Central Time.

Bentford also mentioned that the above image, of which he has a poster-sized version in his room, is “pretty mesmerizing.”

Bentford also mentioned that the above image, of which he has a poster-sized version in his room, is “pretty mesmerizing.”

Sources say that the conversation, conducted by Wesley Bentford (WCAS, ’15), Zach Silverberg (Comm., ’15) and Ryan Mancuso (WCAS, ’15), lasted well over thirty minutes, despite the fact that all three of the participants are incredibly stupid, and touched on topics such as the show’s use of color, the show’s cinematographic techniques, and the development of some of its most major characters.

Continue reading