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Terrified Senior Ecstatic Northwestern Gets Out So Much Later Than Other Schools

2 May

Realizing that the steady, inevitable march of time had brought him to the brink of graduating and the horrifying prospect of life in the real world, Weinberg senior Brandon Grammer reported last week that he was extremely glad, euphoric even, that Northwestern students get out a full month later than their semester school counterparts.

“Yeah, all my friends are posting sad statuses and snapchat stories about how bummed the are to be graduating,” Grammer said, sweat dripping from his brow as his eyes nervously darted across the room. “TOTAL suckers AMIRIGHT?!?”

Grammer, who Continue reading

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An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

3 Mar
(via Northwestern)

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation: Continue reading

An Analysis of the Top 10 Booty Call Texts of All Time

17 Feb
"Would I like to put my pee-pee in your hoo-hah?  Yes please!" (via shutterstock.com)

“Would I like to put my pee-pee in your hoo-hah? Yes please!” (via shutterstock.com)

Ah, winter in Evanston. I can’t think of a more romantic time and place to be. You probably met a bunch of new people during fall quarter when it was possible to go outside and be social without getting frostbite and dying in a ditch by the side of the road. Odds are, you banged some of those people. That’s pretty rad, dude. Congrats.

But then the frigid death grip of winter tightens its hold around all of our lives, and we’re forced to meet certain base human requirements with people whose numbers are in our phone. Of course, I’m talking about The Booty Call.

So how does one make sure they’re accurately conveying, in piss drunk-text form, the kind of wanton lust that so strikes us in these situations? It can be difficult to navigate, so I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the 10 most classic booty call texts of all time, complete with an analysis of each. Happy hunting. Continue reading

29 Things that will Happen at Northwestern Just After You Graduate

12 Feb

1) The US News & World Report will rank Northwestern in the Top 10 Best Schools in the Nation.

Opening date: June 21, 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

Opening date: June 20 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

2) The University will purchase 25 new safe ride cars.

3) The new student center and lakeside athletic facilities will be built literally overnight, complete with sports bar.

4) Morty will commission a Continue reading

22 Things I’ve Learned So Far This Winter

8 Feb
(via Northwestern)

(via Northwestern)

1. If it drops anything less than 12 inches of snow, I literally do not give a fuck. I don’t want to hear about it on the news, I don’t want 100 statuses commemorating it on facebook, it doesn’t matter. Oh it snowed 10 inches? Rad. That happened twice last week.

2. There is no point in shoveling driveways or cleaning off cars, because in 12 hours SHIT IS GOING TO BE COVERED ONCE AGAIN IN FUCKING SNOW.

3. It may be time to accept the fact that Continue reading

No One Sure Why They Went to The Deuce Last Night

7 Feb

EVANSTON – Faced with the throbbing psychological pain of a punishing 10 AM alarm on Friday morning, sources confirmed earlier today that not a single person on Northwestern University’s campus could provide an explanation of why they had gone to the Mark II Lounge the previous night.

Alternate slogan: "Ruining dreams since forever." (via mullensbarandgrill.com)

Alternate slogan: “Ruining dreams since forever.” (via mullensbarandgrill.com)

Most students reported that they wished fiery, bloody destruction on the Deuce and all of its owners, employees and patrons. Continue reading

The Top Ten Wikipedia Wormholes

3 Feb

When’s the last time you wikipedia-ed the living shit out a random subject just for the sake of learning? Hold on, what? Never? Ok

Let it take control.  You are powerless against it's magnificent aura.

Let it take control. You are powerless against its magnificent aura.

fine, asshole. When’s the last time you wikipedia-ed the living shit out a random subject just for the sake of procrastinating? Yesterday? That’s what I fucking thought, douchenozzle.

But how do you know that you’re getting the most out of your Wikipedia experience? Have you ever thought that maybe the shit you Wikipedia is boring and that, much like everything about your life, you are also boring? Yo quit yelling, it’s chill. We’re here to set things straight. Continue reading

The Best Places to Masturbate on Campus

13 Jan
SPLOOSH.

SPLOOSH.

Winter Quarter is upon us, fellow Wildcats, and with the temperature alternating daily between “Cold enough to cause penises everywhere to recede into body cavities” and “33 degrees,” odds are your roommates are gonna be spending a lot of time in the room. You know?

Obviously, the first thought that must strike you is “Yeah homie, this is seriously gonna hinder my ability to spank the monkey 15 times a day.” To which I would respond, Continue reading

Interpreting Northwestern’s Cold Weather Alert

3 Jan

This is a message from the Northwestern University emergency notification system.

“Sup hoes. We heard rumors that some of you might be having an excellent break, so we’re here to shit on your eyehole.”

Today is Friday, January 3, 2014. 

“IT’S FUCKING GAMEDAY, BITCHES. For Ohio State.”

Extreme cold temperatures are predicted for the Chicago metropolitan area for Monday, January 6, but Northwestern University is planning to be open that day. Continue reading

An Open Letter to the Main Library Facilities Management

10 Dec

Hey guys,

Let me start out by saying that I know y’all have a tough job. I get it, homies. Main Library is a large, confusing building and also one of the ugliest things ever conceived by the human mind. And, as far as I can tell, the facilities management staff has zero employees. So I understand that you have kind of a tall mountain to climb in your quest to, you know, do your job.University_Library,_Northwestern_University

But Jesus CHRIST guys. I don’t know that I’ve been witness to so much rampant incompetence and obvious lack of hustle since I saw JerShon Cobb wearing a “Lazy but Talented” shirt in Plex dining hall[1]. And I think maybe we need to talk about it. Continue reading