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Who You’re Rooting For In College Football This Weekend

7 Dec

Mizzou vs. Auburn

Before we even start to begin analyzing who we should be rooting for in all these matchups, there’s something that’s been bothering me for the past week, and I need to get it off my chest because I’m really worried about it.

What if, in some psychotic, cruel twist of fate, God is actually an Alabama fan? Hear me out: Continue reading

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A Reflection On Loss And Community

13 Nov

This is not an article I would ever want to write. It is not an article anyone would want to read. It’s not an article this blog would ever want to publish. Continue reading

University Announces All Future Buildings to be Modeled After Norris Center

9 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – Months after first outlining a plan to upgrade parking, student common space and athletic facilities, Northwestern University today announced that the buildings in all of these projects will be modeled directly after the Norris University Center.

Et tu, Brutalist?

“I don’t know that I would say ‘modeled after,” said University President Morton Schapiro. “I would probably say that they are going to be exact replicas. Like, we are building more Norrises. That shit’s literally going to happen.” Continue reading

Sherman Ave’s Official Guide To Fall Dillo

2 Oct

Well I’ll be a motherfucker, fellow Wildcats. The glorious holiday known only as Dillo, the college equivalent of the combination of Christmas, New Years, 4th of July and Casmir Pulaski Day, is cometh again 8 months early.

And that’s fucking SICK HOLY CHRIST.

Now, you must be thinking: “Samwise, how much glue did you snort this morning bro there’s only one Dillo.” Well let me inform you that Continue reading

A Public Service Announcement to Wildcats Everywhere

30 Sep

Once upon a time there was a student who couldn’t name a single player on her university’s football team. Once upon a time there was a high school recruit sitting at the kitchen table with his parents, comparing the merits of Michigan, Ohio State, and Wisconsin. Once upon a time there was a fanbase that Continue reading

A Non-Engineer’s Guide to Camping Out in Tech

25 Sep

It’s a Friday afternoon, you need to get some work done before you go to that theater party tonight and you’re tired of Main Library because that building looks like an alien spaceship ate 700 bags of Ready Mix concrete and took a 3-hour shit right on the Lakefill’s backyard.

So you figure now is as good a time as any to check out the dungeon where Dick Cheney sucks the blood out of goats Tech.

Allow me to inform you that you have fucked up now.

After 4 minutes and 35 seconds of trying Continue reading

Samwise Donkenstein’s Preseason Top 5 Feelings About This Year

24 Aug
The 6th Feeling is Swag

The 6th Feeling is Swag

It is my own misfortune, and indeed the misfortune of many reading this article, to have (mostly) unwittingly chosen a life of suffering and self-torture. I can’t ask for sympathy, I did this to myself, and I can’t ask most humans to understand my situation; how could you, being either outside the realm of fandom or lucky enough to root for a team by some other name?

I am an invested, devoted, fervent fan of the Northwestern Wildcats, and only a select few people to have ever walked this Earth truly know what that is like.

Continue reading

A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl: Part 2

4 Aug

Part 1 of A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl

In the summer of 1962, a young man named Willie walks out of a liquor store carrying two cases of Bud Light and a handle of Congress vodka. He struggles under the weight of his purchases, lumbering uneasily toward a purple and white Chevy Impala parked 30 feet from the clear glass doors.

After depositing his booze in the trunk, being sure to bring five cans of beer up to the front seat with him, he slides the key into the ignition. The engine sputters for a moment and then roars to life. Willie wastes no time in speeding out into the cool night air, shotgunning a can of beer all the while.

Continue reading

“OMG Study Abroad was SOOOO Life Changing!” Reports Annoying Douchebag

2 Aug
Douche Croissants

Douche Croissants

EVANSTON–After returning from a 5-month study abroad program located in Paris, France, Sally Peterson (Weinberg ’14) reportedly spent the next month and a half being an annoying prick about how life-changing the experience was.

Those who have spoken to Peterson since she returned have said that she “literally will not shut the fuck up about study abroad and how cultured she is.”

Continue reading

A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl: Part 1

30 Jul
        There is, in a more ancient part of the world, a pit. Where men are thrown to wither and die. It is said, however, that every so often, the pit spits something back.
        The year is 1946, and a young child has just crawled out of the darkness.
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        Evanston, Illinois will never be confused with West Palm Beach. Tiny boutique shops lining crisscrossing one way streets in downtown are interrupted every few blocks by residential high rises and the occasional Continue reading