Secret to Warmth Discovered: $700 Cash

Following a recent scientific discovery, researchers at Northwestern University have uncovered the secret to what makes those Canada Goose coats so warm. It isn’t a special blend of down feathers, or even an artificial down substitute created in a lab. After a small incision was made in the lining of a coat found at the Deuce Thursday night, scientists were shocked to find that the stuffing is $700 cash, shredded.

“We were baffled,” said Dr. Bill Fitzgerald, the lead scientist in the study. “We couldn’t believe no one had thought of it yet.”

Fitzgerald explained that scientists had never considered dissecting the coat, in spite of the mysterious $800 price, because they just assumed they were full of “feathers from the goose that laid the golden egg.” They never imagined that the filling was just cold, hard cash.

When questioned about the recent discovery, Canada Goose owner Jessica Lieberman did not seem surprised. “Honestly, I just got the coat because everyone else had one. In addition to keeping me warm in the cold winter, I use the coat to show off my dad’s income, and it certainly didn’t hurt during recruitment,” Friedman winked at us.

“If you’re strapped for cash, don’t even bother counterfeiting,” Dr. Fitzgerald explained, “We found that the only source of warmth this powerful is the real deal. It’s a dog-eat-dog world this winter; you’ll just have to get your Canada Goose the old-fashioned way—stolen from the floor of a frat party.”

A Beginner’s Guide to Yik Yak

Hi, New User! Welcome to Yik Yak. We encourage you to read the following FAQs before dedicating hours of your day to our app. We also encourage heavy involvement: don’t be intimidated by successful top commenters like Yak Daniels, Miss Mary Yak, or Yak Yak City. With this guide, you’ll receive self-gratification within minutes of shitting on your school and peers.

Q: What’s fair game to make fun of?

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Icebreakers

One thing you will learn about Northwestern upon arriving your first week is that everyone here loves a good icebreaker. Your Peer Advisers will make this quite clear to you upon arrival but if you have any interest in making new friends here, icebreakers are a great way to start. Try coming up with a few very obscure questions you could ask potential new friends that will challenge them – Northwestern students love to be challenged. Upperclassmen already know the drill so be sure to grill them with all of your icebreaker questions, too.

Icebreakers will also come in handy at parties. Freshmen boys: Icebreakers are a great way to talk to Freshmen girls (and upperclassmen if you’re feeling brave). Here are a few proven questions that have worked in the past:

Reality vs Expectations: the College Classroom Edition

Look at me I’m so disdained. Fuq u, school. When will Summer cum. I mean come. [via dvdactive.com]

Either I’m really bad at taking notes or these exams are vastly more complicated than what we’re taught in lecture.

Statistics
Lecture: 1+2 =3
Exam: Solve for cancer

Art
Lecture: Humans have created wondrous art throughout the ages
Exam: How does this ceramic vagina make you feel?

Econ
Lecture: Mark Witte talks about guns and butter
Exam:

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern Parody

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.

Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.

Maybe someday.

But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

Things The Man Doesn’t Tell You about Going Vegetarian

LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS. DON’T YOU WANT TO BE THAT HAPPY???

Hey kool kollege kid, want to check another cliché off your list? Already converted to Buddhism, studied abroad, went Greek, and pissed away your parents’ retirement funds playing 2048 instead of taking finals? Need something to mitigate the fears of your advancing alcoholism? Don’t worry, you don’t even have to move to save the world. You can literally eat fucktons of fries and be able to call yourself a hero. How? Skip the meat, become vegetarian, and BAM: you’re compassionate. Now go forth, and quote Finding Nemo un-ironically because ~fish are friends, not food~.

But wait[1], that being said, here are a few things to keep in mind coming from someone you should totally trust completely with all life decisions because internet:

Regarding Yesterday’s Article on Riccardo Muti

To our readers,

Yesterday, Sherman Ave published a short article titled “Class of 2014’s Senior Citizens Thrilled with Selection of Commencement Speaker.” To summarize, the 160-word article made the joke that the only people excited for Northwestern’s choice of commencement speaker, Chicago Symphony Orchestra director Riccardo Muti, were the very elderly, playing with the culturally-accepted (possibly incorrectly so) idea that very few young, college-aged people listen to (and therefore enjoy) classical music. Upon its publishing, the article received strong negative backlash, both in WordPress, Facebook, and through emails to Sherman Ave directly; primarily from people who (in their postings) identified themselves as students or faculty of Northwestern University’s Bienen School of Music. It was referred to as “embarrassing and distasteful;” it was said that it “reflects horribly on NU;” and one commenter, who identified himself/herself as a “Bienen professor,” stated that it proves “your website is worthless and not remotely representing the values of Northwestern University…you are an embarrassment.” At the author’s request, and as per multiple comments demanding it, the article was removed from Sherman Ave early this morning.

APPLY TO BE A WRITER FOR SHERMAN AVE!!! (Spring 2014 Remix Edition)

Hey reader. How’s it going? Well? That’s good.

Isn’t it nice that spring is here? The snow is melting; the sun is beginning to shine; and warmer, brighter, and more pleasant temperatures are on the way. In general, it is a time when everything seems better and more promising.

If you’re the kind of person who detracts from such happiness and joy, then you should apply to be a writer for Sherman Ave!

That’s right, boys and girls; we’re looking for a brand new (rotting) crop of the most atrocious, immoral, and all-around heinous scribes and scribettes that we can find. And there’s a chance that YOU could be in that crop! Isn’t that exciting? ANSWER YES IT’S EXCITING IT’S VERY EXCITING.

So how do you apply? First, download the Sherman Ave application here. (Or here. Or here.) Fill that fucker out the bestest you can, and then submit it electronically to shermanave1@gmail.com no later than 11:59 PM on Friday, April 11th. If we think you’d be a good fit, you will be invited to an individual, in-person interview. The interview will take place at some point during the day on Friday, April 18th. If we REALLY REALLY like you, you will then be selected to participate in a super-special group interview, which will take place the following day: Saturday, April 19th.

A few things to keep in mind: Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT have to be a Northwestern student to write for Sherman Ave. We love everybody in the entire world equally, and if you’re funny, we’d be psyched to have you.

Also, make sure to BE YOURSELF on your application!!!! In all seriousness, we can’t stress this enough: write in your own, personal voice. We want to hear you, and what you think is funny, not what you think a Sherman Ave writer should sound like. If you only want to make jokes about the War of 1812, then go for it. Just stay true to who YOU think you are as a writer.

Tl;dr: Apply for Sherman Ave!!! HERE’S THE LINK TO THE APPLICATION AGAIN.

Have a heinous, heinous day.

A Frank Look at Sexual Assault on a College Campus

I never thought it would be hard to say no. In my head, I imagined a stranger approaching me at a party; he would ask if I wanted to have sex with him, and if I didn’t, I’d decline, and that would be that. But in my experience, that’s not how it usually goes. I never thought that in my experience it wouldn’t be a stranger, but a friend or a boyfriend. I never thought that after I said no once, or even twice, they would keep asking. I didn’t take into account how my usual resolve might be weakened by alcohol, or the pressure of being alone with him. And I never thought that my answer and what I wanted would be so thoroughly disregarded.

Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone