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In Which I Wax Poetic on Hamburgers

14 Mar
You've gotten me through so much, Edzo's.

You’ve gotten me through so much, Edzo’s.

Hamburger you disgust me.

Hamburger I don’t care where you came from.
I don’t know where to find you on a cow, or a horse
or whatever else you may be made of.
Secretly I find the mystery exciting.

Hamburger I know you’ve been getting fatter over the years
but that’s alright.
I had a brief affair with Subway and she’s been good to me,
but you’ll always have more to love.

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Ernest Hemingway visits Frontera Fresco

29 Jan

downloadI sat in Norris. Buzzer in hand, I waited for my Mexican fare from Rick Bayless’ Frontera Fresco.

I waited for my food and held my buzzer and sipped my Aqua Frescas and thought of the war. I thought of Pedro. Brave Pedro. The theater major next to me was tweeting about Beyoncé. 140 characters is far too long for a true man to express his passion.

It is cold outside, but I feel warm. The taste of Fresh-Made Jalepeño Cilantro Tortilla Chips reminds me of Pedro and Pedro’s men. In the mountains of Spain. Pedro, a brave man, a man of a man. Pedro and I, sipping wine out of the Franzia box in the mountains, waiting for death. Pedro cleaning his gun.

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New Theme Restaurant to Open in Plex

21 Dec
Interrogation Rooms designed to feel just like EPD HQ.

Interrogation Rooms designed to feel just like EPD HQ.

EVANSTON — In response to revenue losses from the opening of Rick Bayless’ Frontera Fresco in the Norris University Center, Northwestern University food services, nuCuisine, will be opening a specialty restaurant inside Foster-Walker Complex.  The new restaurant, named “Third Degree,” is inspired by intense police dramas and will specialize in hard-boiled foods.  The Theme Restaurant is set to open by the end of January shortly after students return for winter quarter.

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Ass Cheese

13 Dec
We're really banking on some mistaken clicks here...

We’re really banking on some mistaken clicks here…

If I had to name something that completely consumed my life in high school it would be tennis. Tennis…and cheese. I often dreamt about what it would be like to be a professional tennis player–winning Grand Slams, makin’ millions, dating some male model who doesn’t even speak my native tongue (sarcasm). It would be THE LIFE, and dreaming about what I could do with my millions is what got me through all those heinously boring matches in which I had to play girls I could probably beat playing lefty, blindfolded, at the age of four.

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A Super Serious Restaurant Review of Frontera Fresco for Super Serious People

5 Dec

Is this what study abroad is like?

Does this count as a multicultural credit?

Frontera Fresco is the worst creperie cum Jamba Juice cum sushi hut cum Sbarro I have ever patronized. Let’s enjoy that imagery for a moment.

Anyway. Frontera Fresco is a new restaurant. In Norris Center. Owned by Chicago chef Rick Bayless. It serves “quick-service” (more on that later) Mexican food (also more on that later). To college students. And, presumably, the Norris cat lady. Here are some quick key facts that must be understood in order to appreciate the impact of Frontera Fresco on the Northwestern dining scene and community at large.

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Stop Taking Pictures of Your Food

3 Dec
FOR THE SEXTING

Next time, use snapchat

We need to get one thing straight: I don’t give a flying fuck about what you ate for dinner last night. Or a regular fuck, for that matter. So I don’t—repeat, DO NOT—want to see any more pictures of your goddamn food on my newsfeed.

That means you, study-abroaders. Oooh, look at you and your curry. Guess what, you puff of spicy flatulence? I can get delectable mostly-authentic cuisine delivered to the cozy warmth of the sorority house. You had to go to Europe. I’m sorry— who’s winning here?

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New Chipotle Opens in Student Center

30 Nov

EVANSTON – Students and employees of Northwestern University enthusiastically welcomed the opening of a Chipotle Mexican Grill franchise in the Norris Student Center this morning.

“The addition of a reasonably priced, popular Mexican restaurant – which I assume is just a fucking Chipotle – adds another dimension to the Norris experience,” explained Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Libations at NU

18 Jul

What most intoxicated freshmen look like to us.

So you’re going off to NU this fall, eh? You like to party hard? NO YOU DON’T, HIGH SCHOOLER. Now that we have that aside, let me be your tour guide around the beautiful bar that is the NU campus.

BEER
No shit you’re going to find beer. What did you expect? Prepare for keg beer, Keystone Light, Busch Light, and PBR galore. Occasionally you’ll find something else, but don’t get excited. For the love of God, please do not drink the bottles if you find any in a fridge! That shit is stealing and is uncool. Be thankful enough that NU’s frats don’t charge like asshole state schools. We’re nice like that. Don’t trash the place.

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Evanston in Your Mouth: Your Guide To Eating Out Around the Northwestern Campus

9 Jul

Dine so hard

Northern Evanston, home of Northwestern University, is a hub of diversity. From its upper-middle class homes, to its upper-middle class citizens, to its upper-middle class dogs in sweater vests – it is difficult to find a place with more cultural variance. Though the Evanston community is about as stereo-typically white as Drake’s Bar Mitzvah, it is actually home to a wide variety of restaurants.  In order to help the student body with its Evanston Dining Experience, Sherman Ave has developed a comprehensive guide to Evanston dining, categorized by mouthgasm rating:

ORAL ORGO

The restaurants in this category are less than enjoyable. The food is not necessarily bad, but like taking orgo, it will leave you bored, tired, and wanting to be drunk.

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How to Eat Like A Cannibal: Thoughts On The Impending Zombiepocalypse and Facial Seasonings

31 May

In case you’re wondering, there’s a cannibal in Miami. Quick summary: DUDE ATE SOMEONE’S FACE OFF.

This zombie sure had a lot of… DEADication!

Slower summary: The man — later identified as Rudy Eugene — was caught lunching in the nude on the nose, eyes, and other facial features of the homeless Ronald Poppo, whose pants he had also removed, indicating that he was probably intending to eat more than just the face. However, law enforcement was notified before he’d nommed on Big Poppo’s sausage, and politely asked him to stop. Eugene growled at them and continued ripping the man’s face to shreds. Determined to continue his dining experience, Eugene was unfazed by the first bullet which the Miami po-po had inserted into his body, and continued consuming the face of his counterpart until they had added more.

Fuck this shit about Eugene being high on bath salts. The police just don’t want to come to terms with the facts: the zombie apocalypse has begun.

Here’s the logic. For one, he was eating the guy’s face off. Cannibals would go for the meatier parts, like thighs and arms and literally any part of the body that had more muscle than the face.* Zombies go for the face because they instinctively know, like ancient Egyptians and nose-pickers everywhere, there are brains if they just dig deep enough. Two: it took multiple bullets to stop him. I mean, duh: he was already dead. Police aren’t telling us that the second shot was a lucky one to the skull, which, as everyone knows, is the only way to kill a zombie. Three: has anyone spoken to the victim lately? No. So we’d better be prepared for the moment when the zombie virus takes hold and he chomps off the hand of the surgeon trying to put his lips back on.

Mayor Tisdahl’s really let herself go recently…

In preparation for the imminent apocalypse, I, Eleanor Kinkervoss, have stolen my bandmate’s copy of the Zombie Survival Guide and begun assembling my culinary wiles, in case the time comes when I must surrender my life and afterlife to actually be undead. If I’m gonna be craving human nomz, I’m going to use my mad cooking skills to be a fucking gourmet about it.

So fellow culinary whiz Professor Vandernips and I have teamed up to inform you of the best ways you can eat a face.

Honey Butter and Cinnamon
Take it from Ellie K as a kid: mixing up equal parts honey and butter tastes delicious when you slam it on toast. Make sure you spread from forehead to chin: nostrils are just as easily butter-plugged as toast holes.

Marinated in Oil for Three Days
= pizza! The pores of your victim will gradually clog, causing the condition known to sentient-ish preteens worldwide as “pizza face.” The longer you marinate it, the cheesier it’ll be. Add some pepperoni if you’re feeling crazy– the red sauce is already provided!

BBQ Flavor
Most people like brisket, some people like pulled pork! Why not settle for a dry rub (not the kind you’re thinking of) and then make a quick BBQ sauce. Bobby Flay, the mighty grill douche from the Food Network probably has some great recipes, but who can complain about a quick KC Masterpiece?

A Cuban
In the spirit of Miami, why not substitute human flesh for the meat in your cuban panino (IT’S SINGULAR ITALIAN, I’M FUCKING PRETENTIOUS, OK?), and slap on that mustard and bread & butter pickle. Everybody likes sammiches, and your ham was just as pale and pink as your victim’s cheeks,** right?

Curried
Half of Northwestern is pretentious enough to say on a regular basis that “That restaurant’s korma just wasn’t as good as the stuff we had on our spring break,” so if you’re feeling the spices, make a tasty thai or indian flavored stew out of the guy and eat it with some hot naan or pita. He doesn’t even have to be Thai or Indian-flavored to begin with (like Costco preseasoned meats) – we support color-blind cannibalism here at the Ave. C’mon, guys, race is only skin deep.

Remember to practice fire safety!

Rotisserie-style
Get heinous and heathen, and make it a tribal ritual if you’d like. Invite some people over and have at it in a regular ol’ Luau-style bonfire. Wanna get fancy? Pop an apple in his mouth!

Plain!
Like zombie vegans. If you’re concerned about the welfare of all living creatures, you don’t even have to hurt the cheese bacteria to have a delicious meal – just tear right in and enjoy.***

Best of luck, fellow wildcats. If you need us, we’ll be on the top floor of Swift, having destroyed the staircases and stocked up on seasonings. The Professor says he’s bringing the grill.

Eleanor Kinkervoss and Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Don’t you give me none of that tongue-is-the-strongest-muscle shit.
**Since a butt cheek joke is imminent and we’re discussing ridiculous things, we’d like to inform you of some shark that has allegedly developed a taste for human asscheeks thanks to some douchemuffin divers and their unfortunately placed fanny packs.
***Well, maybe some salt and pepper…