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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Living in Bobb

28 Aug
Not pictured: Gameday Morning Shots

Not pictured: Gameday Morning Shots

HEY PARTY PEOPLE! For all the Wildkittens lucky enough to see “Bobb” or “McCulloch” on their housing assignment: congratulations and welcum to the good life.

Every freshman experiences a whirlwind of emotions when they get their housing assignment (Ayers CCI? Well that’s some shit). Regardless of whether or not you wanted to live in Bobb, you’re probably familiar with its reputation. So now you’re pissing yourself with excitement or fear. Or both.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Norris University Center

26 Aug
Bonus: Norris can double as a Soviet bunker circa 1977!

Bonus: Norris can double as a Soviet bunker circa 1977!

Rumor has it that Northwestern is full of nerds, but I bet you’re thinking that the class of 2017 is gonna be different. “We’ll socialize!” you say, “We’ll never set foot in the library!”, “We’ll skip office hours to go to impromptu jam sessions on the lakefill!”

Ah, how grand it is to be young and naive. I bet you also think that, during all of your so-called ‘free time,’ you’ll spend hours laughing and being merry with friends in the student union, pausing from your leisure only to accept a beer from your waiter, or to play with one of the freely roaming puppies.

I’m here to burst your bubble and tell you that Norris is nothing like the heavenly place you have been dreaming about.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: A Step-By-Step Guide to Your Laundry

25 Aug
Try not to think of everybody and their pledge mom hooking up on this.

Try not to think of everybody and their pledge mom hooking up on these.

Listen up. If you’re over 18 and your mommy still does your laundry, you’ve probably realized by now that you’re going to be SOL in the big scary world.  Hey, it’s okay – at some point in your life, Momma stopped brushing your teeth, washing your hair, wiping your ass, and all the other things that kept you fresh-smelling and somewhat socially acceptable.[1] You’re gonna learn to do laundry on your own, too, because the ability to remove Svedka and BO from your clothes is a basic function of self-sufficiency and personal hygiene.

So you’ve taken the first step and decided you don’t want to grow up to be Buster Bluth. But if you ask your friends how to do laundry, they WILL remember for the next four years[2] and they will tell the hotties at da club and the hotties at da club will think you’re a pampered dumbfuck (you might be) and YOU WILL NEVER GET LAID. So here’s your (mostly) shame-free guide to being the independent fucking human you are expected to be in higher education.

Before you start, plan accordingly.

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Freshman Guide: Being Undecided

21 Aug

Hello future Wildcat! In a just about a month, you’ll start your new life here at Northwestern University. A lot of big decisions are headed your way.  Should I bring a mini-fridge? What color should my shower caddy be? Should I show my roommate my mole that looks just like the Pope? (Yes/Burnt Sienna/show the WORLD)

Out of these, one of the most pressing decisions you’re going to have to make is what you want to major in.

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Sherman Ave Presents: Ikea Bingo

19 Aug

Untitled

Ikea is an awful place.  The Swede-founded furniture mega-mart is like some terrible cross between Disneyworld, the Minotaur’s Labyrinth, and your local mattress store.  It is humanly impossible to spend less than thirty minutes inside its walls, trying desperately to navigate yourself through the aisles of Bjurstas and Husviks, all while dodging the inevitable hoards of small children manically gallivanting across your path.  For college students, however, it’s an unavoidable destination: if you need a piece of furniture, Ikea’s gonna have it (simply because of the store’s sheer size); as such, hundreds of thousands of university kids make the pilgrimage through Ikea’s maze-like corridors every summer’s end.

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Places You Can and Can’t Meet Potential Love Interests at Northwestern

18 Aug

Maybe you’re a freshman looking for your first shot at college love, or maybe you’re a McCormick senior looking to kiss a girl for the first time – in either case, it’s difficult finding the right place on campus where you can meet a potential romantic partner. However, in efforts to increase the sad amounts of love and lovin’ on the Northwestern campus, Sherman Ave has put together a guide to which Northwestern locations are love-friendly.

Deering Library

Deering Library

Nope.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Living in the Mid-Quads

11 Aug

Seeing “North Mid-Quad” on my housing form was the emotional rollercoaster from hell. I was filled with joy seeing the word “north,” only to crumple into a sobbing ball on the floor when I actually took the time to look up the southern shithole in which I would be spending my first year of college.

Well, prepare yourselves, because I fucking loved living in the Mid-Quads. Mhm I said it… I LOVED NMQ AND I DON’T Continue reading

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Burgwell J. Howard

9 Aug

NOC_Burgie_L

Background: Originally a solemn drifter making his way across this great nation’s network of railroad lines, Burgwell J. Howard was converted to Assistant Vice President for Student Engagement in Student Affairs at Northwestern University in 2012 after hearing that his roommate and Eskimo Brother Morton Schapiro could hook him up with a real sweet gig for a few months if he needed some beer money. Burgwell, or “Burgie” as his friends and fellow teamsters affectionately call him, is now a beacon for smile aficionados and hosts the annual university-wide diversity listserv email blast.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Elder Hall

22 May

Elder Hall: Where dreams are born and a fetus is occasionally conceived.

Hello future heinouses. So housing applications just came out, and you’ve probably been attempting to do research on the dorms at Northwestern. Maybe you ask older friends who go to NU about the dorms, sift through the Residential Life website, or you’ve seen that one article that names Bobb the biggest party dorm in the country (to be honest they probably ranked dorms based on how often and strongly they smell like vomit). So you’re wondering where you’d fit in. Do you want to live North or South? Do you want a big dorm or a small dorm? Do you want to live somewhere that’s actually  not a shit hole? Should you live in a dorm with a dining hall?  Can you tolerate the smell of vomit on the daily? If you answered “North,” “big,” “yes,” “DUH,” and “not really,” LIVE IN ELDER. Continue reading

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dillo Day

21 May

By now, you’ve probably heard about something called Dillo Day. My guess is that when you first heard tell of this legendary shitshow, your first thought was “Teehee. That sounds like Dildo.” Well, I’m gearing up for my third Dillo Day, and that same thought still crosses my head every single time it’s mentioned, so you’re in decent shape.

You may still feel a bit confused about Dillo. That’s understandable, because Dillo is sort of like peeing on the Washington Monument; you don’t realize how great it is until you’ve actually done it. But since we’re to irreversibly corrupt help you, we’re going to do the best we can to tell you about the heavenly glory of Dillo Day. Continue reading