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8 Historical Speech Titles Rebranded to Maximize Internet Popularity

21 Feb

1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863Abraham_Lincoln_seated,_Feb_9,_1864

Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.

New title: Continue reading

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An Argument for No Northwestern University Classes on Presidents Day

18 Feb
Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

In 1776, one country dawned in a time of great uncertainty. The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians![1] – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, George Washington, was battling dentures, a vicious, dirty campaign from Frank Underwood (spoiler alert, sorry), and the Germans on the Western Front. But from all of this emerged a beautiful, proud nation. A nation that celebrated its leaders.

Yes, Northwestern University Administration, I am talking about America. And yes, Northwestern University Administration, this nation – OUR nation – beat the odds. From those dark times emerged Continue reading

The Types of Men You Encounter While Abroad

8 Dec

Aren’t we all sick of the typical “Study Abroad Blog”? I mean, it’s #amazing and #lifechanging that you saw the “Le Tour Eiffel” and drank wine in Sicily and went to that weird building in Barcelona. You got a picture with a camel and underprivileged children? That’s really amazing!

I’ve never seen anything quite like it! For the past 6 minutes, that is.

So, just a warning, if you are abroad, I speak for most everyone–no one reads your blog aside from your extended family. If you’re lucky, maybe your mother leaves it open for your cat to take naps next to. But that’s it.

A cat nap: Sleeping on someone else's electronics and/or fresh laundry.  Like an asshole.

A cat nap: Sleeping on someone else’s electronics and/or fresh laundry. Like an asshole.

Let’s be real, the only blog people would really want to read would be about sexcapades. We don’t want to hear about how you went to a coffee shop in Amsterdam; we want to hear about how you made your cash in the red light district to pay for said coffee shop.

While you’re abroad, as long as you act the 100% opposite of a Northwestern student (aka never step foot in the library and make eye contact with, well, anyone,) then you’re guaranteed to meet some incredible people who will change your outlook on life (#clicheforareason). That being said, these people will likely fall into certain categories, and this is taking a moment to dwell on all of the wonderful men in your life, the ones who won’t quite make the blog. Continue reading

A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl: Part 2

4 Aug

Part 1 of A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl

In the summer of 1962, a young man named Willie walks out of a liquor store carrying two cases of Bud Light and a handle of Congress vodka. He struggles under the weight of his purchases, lumbering uneasily toward a purple and white Chevy Impala parked 30 feet from the clear glass doors.

After depositing his booze in the trunk, being sure to bring five cans of beer up to the front seat with him, he slides the key into the ignition. The engine sputters for a moment and then roars to life. Willie wastes no time in speeding out into the cool night air, shotgunning a can of beer all the while.

Continue reading

A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl: Part 1

30 Jul
        There is, in a more ancient part of the world, a pit. Where men are thrown to wither and die. It is said, however, that every so often, the pit spits something back.
        The year is 1946, and a young child has just crawled out of the darkness.
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        Evanston, Illinois will never be confused with West Palm Beach. Tiny boutique shops lining crisscrossing one way streets in downtown are interrupted every few blocks by residential high rises and the occasional Continue reading

4 Places That Are Worse Than Detroit

26 Jul
The Iconic “Spirit of Detroit” monument.  In its left and right hands are Detroit mascots Ulrich the Urchin and “The Naked Nicklesons”, respectively.

The Iconic “Spirit of Detroit” monument. In its left and right hands are Detroit mascots Ulrich the Urchin and “The Naked Nicklesons”, respectively.

Unless you owe somebody $18 billion, you have more money than the city of Detroit.

Detroit recently announced that it is declaring Chapter 9 bankruptcy, because, in Detroit, the best and most proven way to solve a problem is to give up.  The tragicomedy of the situation, of course, is that it couldn’t even succeed in declaring itself a failure; in essence, even having no money is too much money for Detroit to be able to handle.  While there are multiple reasons (a shrinking population, too many public sector employees, this guy named Kwame Kilpatrick, etc.) why Detroit is in the situation it’s in now, those are too hard to understand; and if college has taught me anything, it’s that the best way to declare yourself an expert on a subject is to be really loud, vocal, and domineering about that subject while doing as little research as possible, because, as everyone age 16-28 knows, intelligence is directly proportional to the amount of Facebook posts you have about Egypt.

Continue reading

In Post-Soviet Russia, Toilet Uses You: Сехтой в России, Part 1

8 Jul

Squatty potties decided the Cold War.

Khrushchev didn’t come to an agreement with Kennedy because he wanted to avoid a nuclear apocalypse; he phoned in the Cuban Missile Crisis in because he really didn’t want to negotiate with JFK while using one of the Politburo’s standing-room-only toilets. Gorbachev didn’t tear down the wall and end the Communist era because Reagan said so; he simply was tired of taking a shit standing up.

NYET.

Continue reading

50 Shades of Red, White and Blue, Chapter 2: The Boston Tea Pahty (By Samuel Adams)

4 Jul

It was the night of the 16th, Decembah of 1773. The tea ship Dahtmouth had arrived in Boston Hahbah, but had yet to unlahd and pay its duties. We was all in one wicked pissah of a mood. It was like da Broons had just lahst the Cup or something.

Hahaha, duty.

So anyways, Guvna Hutchison was a total dick of a chowdahead, and wudn’t let us send the fukin’ ship and tea back to Englahnd, which was total frickin’ gahbidge. So me and about foddy friends of mine from my Hahvid days who called ahselves the Sons of Liberty decide to have us a meeting. And wouldn’t you know it, 7,000 Bahstonians show up wicked pissed about the whole thing. Despite not having one lettah ‘r’ between us, we all come up with a wicked killah wahld class idea. Continue reading

50 Shades of Red, White, and Blue, Chapter 1: The Tramp Stamp, The Mushroom Stamp, and the Stamp Act (By Abigail Adams)

4 Jul
Nothing turns my man on like the frills on my bonnet.

Nothing turns my man on like the frills on my bonnet.

I sit at home on a surprisingly warm November evening.  The year is 1765, and it has been the year of my flourishing.  All my life, I have been a woman of desires.  I have yearned for something but never attained it; sought something but never found it; desired something but never had the pleasure of fulfillment.  It has been in 1765 when it all changed.

Continue reading

OkCupid Profile: Thomas Jefferson

4 Jul

Gender: I am male

Orientation: I am straight

Status: I am married, but seeking every piece of tail I can get some action on the side.

Birthdate: April 13, 1743. I am old, but experienced 😉

Your location: Second Continental Congress, Philadelphia. Continue reading