- People dancing.
- People kissing.
- A long line to the bathroom.
- A group of guys creating a bong using a blender, a piece of string, and a lead pencil.
- A twerk/salsa dance fusion contest that evolved into an impromptu slam poetry reading.
- Two grown men getting into a fist fight over Orange Is the New Black’s season finale while Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive played in the background.
- The return of The Zodiac Killer.
- A young stripper named Pizza Dough showing up to what she thought was her American Idol audition.
- Chief Keef showing up to rap battle with his own shadow.
- A one man show reenacting D-Day by a Theatre major conflicted about double majoring in Political Science.
- A game of slap cup involving a Russian Ouija board and a toilet seat moist with condensation.
- The filming of a scene from The Wolf of Wall Street 2: The Wolf Pack is Back (in Action).
- Chief Keef murdering his shadow and tattooing a tear drop onto his face.
- Pitbull’s son, Three-Legged Golden Retriever, DJing for twenty minutes before having to leave to take his insulin.
- Whitney Houston’s ghost’s final concert.
- Sherman Ave thwarting the rise of the Confederacy for the third time this year.
- Someone calling the police to report the murder of Chief Keef’s shadow.
- An orgy involving 10 restless hand puppets.
- Girls snorting Malaysian birth control off a bathroom sink.
- Lonely morphine drips looking for hands to hold.
- Slip n’ Slides made slippery by an industrial sized tube of Carmex cherry lip balm.
- A cooler of jungle juice doubling as a portal to the world of Jumanji.
- A damn good time.
It’s spring bitches! Warm weather is here now and people are starting to interact outside again. Anonymity is a thing of the past; no longer can you trudge up Sheridan in your puffy coat and blanket-sized scarf, blending in with the rest of the amorphous blobs in backpacks.
The newfound warmth is fantastic, but it definitely comes with some baggage. For instance, when you’re walking into the wind, your t-shirt might cling to your stomach and reveal the small gut that you weren’t so motivated to work off in the winter. If you’re a girl, maybe you have to shave your legs more often than you did in those cold winter months. The worst side-effect of the nice weather, by far, is that people will be able to recognize you and they will be more prone to try to engage you in a social manner.
Inevitably, you’ll make eye contact with a loose acquaintance at some point when you’re walking to class or hanging out at the Lakefill. Because you go to Northwestern, both of you will probably be awkward as fuck and not know what to do. However, if you’re extremely unlucky, your acquaintance might try to be normal and wave to you or ask you “what’s up?” or “how’s it going?” This would be a nightmare, because Continue reading
Either I’m really bad at taking notes or these exams are vastly more complicated than what we’re taught in lecture.
Lecture: 1+2 =3
Exam: Solve for cancer
Lecture: Humans have created wondrous art throughout the ages
Exam: How does this ceramic vagina make you feel?
Lecture: Mark Witte talks about guns and butter
Exam: Continue reading
If you haven’t seen Game of Thrones or read A Song of Ice and Fire books THEN YOU FUCKING SHOULD BECAUSE GEORGE R. R. MARTIN WENT TO NORTHWESTERN FOR 5 YEARS, HE WAS A MEDILLDO AND HE TRAVERSED THE HALLS OF TECH AND HE WALKED TO CLASS IN SHITTY WEATHER AND HE WAS SO INSPIRED THAT HE WROTE A FUCKING BOOK ABOUT COLD AND DOOM AND MISERY.
There’s also a lot of sex in Game of Thrones.
But we all know none of that came from Northwestern.
In Game of Thrones, there’s a character named Hodor who never says anything except “Hodor.” He’s also the most devilishly handsome character on the TV show, and a regular fan-favorite. Part of Hodor’s charm is that he uses the phrase “Hodor” in place of any actual words. To demonstrate, Sherman Ave has translated some of the best movie quotes of all time into Hodor-ese.
So hodor to your hodor! Hodor hodor and remember, hodor.
1. I enjoy eating alone. With my headphones on. With the song “November Rain” by Guns N’ Roses playing. On repeat. On full volume.
2. When a friend tries to start a conversation with me, my first thought is “This is not how life is supposed to go down. I am supposed to start talking to you. MAKE YOUR FACE STOP SAYING WORDS!” Then I run out of the dining hall because I need to google “how to talk to friends” in order to figure out what I did wrong.
3. When I take a shower, I like to cut off large chunks of my hair because it just doesn’t feel right on my head. Then when people ask if I got a haircut, Continue reading
Every year or so, I try yoga again.
It takes me about a year to forget exactly how fucking much I hate yoga. Over that year, my friends have peppered our conversations with fantastical stories of their “relaxing!” and “stress-relieving!” yoga sessions. Then there’s a moment in which I watch some betch’s yoga ass walk by and I start thinking about how cool it would be to Instagram photos of myself standing on my head in scenic locations, if I ever went to scenic locations, if I even had an Instagram. And I find myself with an hour to spare, shamelessly Googling “yoga for beginners” alone in my bedroom.
It takes me an hour to remember exactly how fucking much I hate yoga.
- “Now breathe.”
You condescending prick, I don’t need to be reminded to breathe. I’m sitting here laying on my back. There’s nothing else to do except Continue reading
March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into: Continue reading
Guys, the baseball season is a few short days from beginning. And we here at the Ave would be remiss if we didn’t give you all the predictions you need to be one step ahead of the average baseball fan this year. Considering that I have the great gift of being able to see into the future when it comes to baseball (and only baseball, actually. It’s kind of a shitty gift), I want to present to you five things that no other season preview will tell you. Continue reading
Johnson: Cars Have Wheels
Johnson: Radiators Helpful In Winter
Johnson: Rolly Chairs More Mobile Than Normal Chairs
Johnson: Staplers More Useful With Staples Than Without
Johnson: TV Good Way To Watch Moving Pictures
Johnson: Losing Keys Creates Problems
Johnson: Jaywalking Can Occasionally Be Dangerous
Johnson: Russia Might Be The Largest Country In The World
Johnson: It’s Warmer When The Sun Is Out
Johnson: Lake Michigan Probably Larger Than Lagoon On Campus
Johnson: For Theater Majors, Continue reading
Dance Marathon. If you’re reading this, you’re not doing it.* Welcome to the eerily apocalyptic Northwestern campus mid-DM. The only difference is that the people who constantly update their profile pictures and statuses are the ones who are gone, and as long as you don’t check Instagram you won’t see the stream of sweat and grime – until the Facebook albums go up. Not doing DM is great because all the people you don’t like on campus are in one big tent for a whole day, and you just get to run around!
I have faith in you, charity-less Ave readers. So our R&D team here came up with some alternative DMs for you to do over the next day instead:
Drunk Marathon – See here.
Derive Math – For the engineers/smarties out there, now’s the time to really see if Newton had his shit figured out. I also highly recommend looking into the Lagrange Multiplier Theory, a personal favorite.
Do Mushrooms – Continue reading