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Secret to Warmth Discovered: $700 Cash

21 Feb

Following a recent scientific discovery, researchers at Northwestern University have uncovered the secret to what makes those Canada Goose coats so warm. It isn’t a special blend of down feathers, or even an artificial down substitute created in a lab. After a small incision was made in the lining of a coat found at the Deuce Thursday night, scientists were shocked to find that the stuffing is $700 cash, shredded.

“We were baffled,” said Dr. Bill Fitzgerald, the lead scientist in the study. “We couldn’t believe no one had thought of it yet.”

Fitzgerald explained that scientists had never considered dissecting the coat, in spite of the mysterious $800 price, because they just assumed they were full of “feathers from the goose that laid the golden egg.” They never imagined that the filling was just cold, hard cash.

When questioned about the recent discovery, Canada Goose owner Jessica Lieberman did not seem surprised. “Honestly, I just got the coat because everyone else had one. In addition to keeping me warm in the cold winter, I use the coat to show off my dad’s income, and it certainly didn’t hurt during recruitment,” Friedman winked at us.

“If you’re strapped for cash, don’t even bother counterfeiting,” Dr. Fitzgerald explained, “We found that the only source of warmth this powerful is the real deal. It’s a dog-eat-dog world this winter; you’ll just have to get your Canada Goose the old-fashioned way—stolen from the floor of a frat party.”

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BREAKING: Northwestern Plans to Rename Many Building Acronyms to LGBT

8 May

Evanston, Il.— In response to the anti-gay flyers handed out at Northwestern’s Arch this afternoon, Northwestern University has decided to replace some of Northwestern’s acronyms with acronyms that are more LGBT friendly to show support for Northwestern’s queer students.

Rainbow_flag_and_blue_skies

“We think this flyer situation is Continue reading

The NU Moped: An Unlikely Steed with an Unlikely Steez

3 May

I had a friend in high school whose dad owned a moped. It had an aqua blue finish with honey brown leather on the seats that begged you to climb up and take it for a spin. It didn’t see much use, which added to the luster of the beast. And it didn’t see much use because, well, it was a moped. It doesn’t matter how thrilling it is to zoom down side streets with the wind in your face – for whatever reason, it’s not a motorcycle; it’s just an open invitation for your friends to shit all over you. Which we did. Because mopeds are for pussies. According to Internet, “they’re fun to ride until your friends find out,” just like tilt-a-whirls and tandem bikes. Urban Dictionary attached the term to the guy or girl you hook up with and hope to god no one finds out about. And of course Urban Dictionary’s shithead cousin Yahoo answers tried their best to take the ball and run with it saying, “fat chicks are like scooters…but they make stranger sounds.” Oof.

This is one of the images that comes up when you search "cool moped." (via lacey-washington.olx.com)

This is one of the images that comes up when you search “cool moped.” (via lacey-washington.olx.com)

I don’t want to hate mopeds, in fact I’d love to love them. But I never thought Continue reading

Terrified Senior Ecstatic Northwestern Gets Out So Much Later Than Other Schools

2 May

Realizing that the steady, inevitable march of time had brought him to the brink of graduating and the horrifying prospect of life in the real world, Weinberg senior Brandon Grammer reported last week that he was extremely glad, euphoric even, that Northwestern students get out a full month later than their semester school counterparts.

“Yeah, all my friends are posting sad statuses and snapchat stories about how bummed the are to be graduating,” Grammer said, sweat dripping from his brow as his eyes nervously darted across the room. “TOTAL suckers AMIRIGHT?!?”

Grammer, who Continue reading

REPORT: You are a Complete and Utter Failure

27 Apr

Uncle_Sam_(pointing_finger)

NEW HAVEN, Conn.—A report from Yale’s School of Medicine published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that you, the reader, are a total failure and, quite frankly, an insult to the human race.

In a recent interview, head researcher Edward Feynberg made clear that the report is indeed referring to you, not to the person next to you or behind you. “Stop turning your head left and right, looking around like a damn buffoon,” he noted. “You look like an idiot.  We’re talking to you.”

“How does it make you feel, fuckface?” asked Feynberg. “I hope it makes you feel awful, because you’re a waste. You’re nothing. Remember how all you did in college was sit on your bed, picking your nose and flicking your boogers over to your roommate’s side of the room? Disgusting. God, you’re awful.”

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” asked Vanessa Donovan, another researcher Continue reading

Northwestern Bicyclists Protest Wider Sidewalks, Claim It Will Make Their Game “Heart Attack” Too Difficult

25 Apr

With spring in the air Northwestern has begun to seriously consider widening the now crowded sidewalks.  However, the initiative has been met with opposition.  This weekend, over a hundred Northwestern bicyclists appeared outside Norris to protest the proposal.  The organizer of the protest, Victor Elmsworth, had this to say, “I admit we’re a bit spoiled here at NU.  For years we have made Sheridan sidewalks one of the most infamous arenas to play ‘Heart Attack.’ If the school widens our sidewalks, it will be almost impossible to get even ten points a week!”

The point system, of course referring the official “Heart Attack” scoring scale, consists of several opportunities to acquire points.  For example, riding up to a defenseless student and locking the brakes just before contact will be awarded two points.  If you splinter off the sidewalk and manage to narrowly cut someone off upon re-entry, you are awarded three. And finally, if you just run the son of a bitch over, you are awarded five.

The leading scorer, Tanner Worthington, also expressed displeasure Continue reading

College Student Discovers Deodorant Not Substitute for Shower

24 Apr

EVANSTON, Il. — With temperatures finally rising and spring in Evanston approaching normalcy, sources report that McCormick Sophomore Eric Lehman has realized that putting on deodorant does not substitute for taking a shower.

The trend of not showering began when Lehman woke up at 11:50 AM for his 12:00 PM discussion section on Thursday. He reportedly spent the night dancing by himself at The Deuce on Wednesday, sweating profusely. Afraid of missing class, Lehman less-than-generously applied Speed Stick to his armpits and left his dorm. An intense ultimate frisbee practice in the hot sun followed his discussion section, which, Lehman noted while the odor under his shirt began to ferment like a bag of expired Franzia under a solar lamp, “takes away from time to shower.”

Lehman proceeded to Continue reading

SororityChick69 Releases Official Frat Rankings on CollegiateACB

23 Apr

EVANSTON, Il – At 11:37 AM this morning on CollegiateACB, SororityChick69 released the official social rankings of NU’s IFC fraternities.  Her announcement falls in the wake of intense deliberation and debate throughout the past year on the site’s comment threads.  After refusing an in-person interview, SororityChick69 agreed to speak with Sherman Ave on the phone.

“Deciding who is top tier this year was the hardest Continue reading

Local Man First to Notice Easter and 4/20 Are Same Day

19 Apr

SALINE, Mi. – According to sources, local man Evan McSweeny pointed out to a small group of his friends this afternoon that the holiday of Easter and the cult holiday of 4/20 occur on the same day in the year 2014 – April 20th.

“Yeah man, isn’t that nuts,” McSweeny reportedly commented to his friend group while giggling wildly. “Jesus is gonna be getting high off of God and shit, and off of some gnarly kush.” Continue reading

I Took a Class Pass/No Pass, and So Should You

18 Apr

Last fall, this publication wanted to spout their mouth, and so it created a tournament to find the best winter distro class. There were sick references and numbers, but I guess you had to be there. Since I hadn’t written an article in 2 quarters, I had to sign up for the class that won. Unfortunately, the final two courses ended up tying. Guess the editors fucked up rigging the “student-decided contest.” I took Modern Cosmology, because I wanted to learn how to sail by night. I was disappointed, but I switched to pass-no pass (P/NP), and it was the BEST. Here’s what I was thinking throughout: Continue reading