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A&O Productions Announces First Ever “2014 Anal Blowout”

22 Nov

EVANSTON, Il — Northwestern’s premier student event production company has announced a new 2014 Fall event: A&O Productions Presents– A Festive 2014 Anal Blowout. After thousands of students jovially mispronounced or misheard “A&O” as “Anal,” executive members on the A&O production team decided to bring students a gratifying show of anal blowing.

“Everyone was saying ‘We want an anal blowout’ or ‘Give me anal or give me death.’ We take our jobs very seriously. After understanding what our peers wanted, we came to a conclusion: if students ask for anal, we need to give it to them. Well, we specifically on the board don’t have to necessarily give them the physical act of anal. Um,” trailed off Byron Casper, the A&O Production’s chairman, as he began to scratch his neck and sweat profusely. Continue reading

16 Things Lorde Hasn’t Done

30 Oct
Yeah, this bitch counts her dollars on the train to the party.

Yeah, this bitch counts her dollars on the train to the party.

She’s sixteen. You’re twentysomething. She has a chart-topping single, gorgeous hair, and more maturity than every MILF on Pornhub combined. You have a hangover. Congrats.

In the event you have to fight to the death in a round of NeverHaveIEver To make you feel better, here’s 16 things Lorde hasn’t done. Continue reading

Jesus Speaks Out About Kanye West’s New Tour

24 Oct

From left to right: Jesus, Kanye. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Too tough to tell.

Chicago rapper/producer/water bottle enthusiast Kanye West began his first solo tour in five years at the Key Arena in Seattle, Wash., Saturday, sparking some controversy.

The premiere Yeezus show displayed the artist’s typically grandiose style, with a flurry of tirades from ‘Ye, a freshly baked Continue reading

WTF is going on with Alison Gold’s ‘Chinese Food’ music video

15 Oct

0-0:11 I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. I THINK IT’S SOMETHING ABOUT NOODLES.

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0:12-0:15 omg the noodles gave birth to a rainbow

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The Onion Definitely Has A Record Label, And So Far Nobody’s Laughing

10 Sep

The Onion, everyone’s second favorite satirical news organization, has branched into the music industry with its own record label.

I just can’t prove it.

Not long ago, I would’ve thought this diversification was preposterous. It seemed inevitable that all record labels were going the way of dinosaurs and dodos, and no one, not even The Onion, wanted any part of it. Now, however, it seems the music industry has finally realized just how drastically it must adapt in order to survive. This is where the good people at The Onion stepped in with all of their trademark, Puck-like mischief.

The first piece of evidence that led to this conclusion was the release of Continue reading

Flo Rida and Pitbull’s “Can’t Believe It,” As Narrated by Obi-Wan Kenobi

8 Aug

It was bound to happen. After years of systematically working their way into every song that could possibly be on the radio and simultaneously amassing both millions of haters and many more millions of dollars, rappers/human equivalents of lighting a cigar with a $100-dollar bill Flo Rida and Pitbull have finally teamed up with “Can’t Believe It,” a modern ripoff, err, ode, to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s iconic “Baby Got Back.”

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The Good, The Bad, and The Hordes of Drunk High Schoolers: A Review of Lolla 2013

5 Aug

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

While this iconic line is best known for opening Charles Dickens’ famous novel, A Tale of Two Cities, few people realize that he originally used the phrase to describe his three-day drinking and drugs binge at the 19th-century Britain version of Lollapalooza, which I assume was headlined by Fleetwood Mac.

So here I sit miserably at my 9-to-5 job, wrecked after spending the last three days taking in everything my first music festival had to offer (except Steve Aoki, because fuck Steve Aoki).  I got up at 6:30 this morning to get to work, and I have a residual hangover that could slay a large family of oxen.  Looking back, would I do anything differently?

Yes.  I made horrible, horrible decisions this weekend.

Lolla was a blast, of course.  But wow, that place could not be more heinous.  So I guess it’s only fitting to reflect on this weekend by looking at both the positives and negatives of spending this weekend with my favorite 60,000 Continue reading

Getting Ready For R. Kelly At Pitchfork: A Beginner’s Guide

20 Jul

The weekend is approaching, and you’ve bought tickets to Pitchfork 2013.  Amidst all the band names that involve either A) Plural Nouns (Woods, Savages, Swans, Metz), or B) Something Foreign-Sounding (Mikal Cronin, Toro Y Moi, Autre Ne Veut), you’ll see a familiar name: R. Kelly.

Saturday night, it’s all happening baby.

Maybe you’ve heard Aziz Ansari’s take on seeing Kelly in concert .  You’ve definitely heard of his sex scandal, but let’s not get into that right now.  The point is: have you heard the man’s stuff?

Continue reading