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Mayor Tisdahl Sacrifices First-Born Child in Anti-Dillo Day Rain Dance

20 May

EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.”  Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.

Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.

Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.

“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.” Continue reading

7 Other Positions ASG Failed to Confirm

15 May
ASG_Logo

One Northwestern. One Shitshow.

In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.

1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.

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ASG Senators Resort to Throwing Feces

15 May

Let’s just take a moment to observe all elements of this picture.

EVANSTON – Sources report that today’s Associated Student Government senate meeting quickly devolved into the use of human excrement as a projectile.

The meeting, called to order at 3:30pm, was scheduled with the intent of nominating three more candidates to fill the three cabinet positions that senators blocked from appointment last week.  However, shortly after opening statements were made, a senator was struck in the face by a steamy and especially corny pile of feces, resulting in a counterattack and ultimately open fecal warfare. Continue reading

ASG Int’l Blitzkrieg Campaign Remains Unappeased

18 Apr
Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Strutting through an Italian plaza (if you don’t strut they won’t know you’re American) the other day, I was enjoying just another day in the life. Curses from the enfeebled elderly couple I elbowed out of my way, glares from the feathered mohawk Euro-bag regarding my outfit of baggy jeans and a North Face, and the utter contempt of the only people who know English here, the miserably poor Indian men marketing their shitty lighters (luckily they can understand “Today’s just like yesterday, asshole, I ain’t buyin’”). When, lo, to my surprise, I was warmly greeted by a friendly, well-fed, terribly-dressed collegian.

“Hey, I’m out supporting Ani for ASG President, and we’re really interested in how annual term study-abroad students can have their Northwestern Experience brought to the next level!”

Blown away by the touching interest that ASG campaigners take in their student body, I spat on the ground and cursed “No one wants you here, gypsy” in Italian. I was completely flabbergasted and responded in the fashion of my new motherland (in fact the elderly couple from earlier witnessed the whole exchange and sweetly clasping my hand they said “Damn Albanians”).

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Meet the ASG Candidates: Ani and Alex

17 Apr

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is the final of four interviews. Look for more #ASJizz013 coverage to come.

Ani, debating Alex on his pro-Student Life views.

Ani, debating Alex on his pro-choice Student Life views.

What’s your favorite shitty beer, or assuming you’re not 21, what hypothetically would be your favorite shitty beer, and what does that tell us about you?

Alex: Hmm, if I had to choose just one, I’d probably go with PBR. I don’t think it would be my drink of choice for a nice Friday night, but it has the right mixture of cheap, affordability, and taste to get you through that point in life. If you choose to.

Ani: Hypothetically, if I were to be a legal beer fan, then Busch Light. That’s what I’ve heard at least. I’d assume that it tastes like you’d expect beer of it’s ilk to taste. And it comes in these large cases, that are ridiculously low-priced–as I’ve seen, and not purchased. So I can only assume as to the quality of it. I’ve seen people react to it in strange and odd ways, in basements and in crowded rooms. Something magical. What does it taste like?

So I’m just curious, Ani. How many people did you have to ask until Alex finally agreed to become your VP?

Ani: It’s funny, because I was asked by someone else to be their ASG candidate. I don’t want to reveal who. But I’ve worked with all of them before, all the other candidates. Alex and I, we were first choices for both of us. It really is about the chemistry between the pairs as well. Literally, we share calendars.

Alex: It’s kind of creepy. Buuuutt, it’s necessary.

Ani: There’s always that thing, ‘Where are you!? Oh wait, I already know. Never mind.’ But you’re working for the next year with this person. You’re working very closely. It’s not just about sharing an office, it’s about sharing calendars, it’s about sharing a mission in life, oh God it sounds like we’re getting married.

Alex: My girlfriend kind of thinks so. But…

Ani: It’s also about the shared values. Alex and I, we’re from two different worlds. Like literally two different worlds. I’m a guy, I was born in Bangalore, India. I’ve lived in Vietnam and the U.S., in Arizona  and North Carolina and Texas.

Alex: And my family has been in Ohio since the late 1700s. So… pretty different.

Ani: But it’s amazing. We’ve been brought together at Northwestern, we share similar values regarding what this community has. We’ve met amazing people. We have relationships with many of them, many of whom are listed on our website. People who we’ve actually worked with and not just, you know, pretended to.

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Meet the ASG Candidates: Aaron and Henry

17 Apr

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part three of four. Look for the final interview to come later in the day.

Aaron and Henry: Befriending popos and pitbulls

Aaron and Henry: Befriending popos and pitbulls

What is your favorite shitty beer, and what does it tell us about you?

Henry: Do I have to answer this question if I’m not 21?

So assuming you were hypothetically of-age, what do you think your favorite shitty beer would be?

Henry: Natural Light for sure. No question.

Aaron: I’d say PBR. Now that I’m 21 I like to go to Wob.

But you can’t get PBR at Wob!

Aaron: No PBR there. So I get whatever’s on tap. Like a Dark Ale.

Henry: So there’s a way that I want to answer this question, but I feel like it’s incriminating. But I would go on to tell you some stories.

Aaron: I don’t think that’s a good idea. Continue reading

Meet the ASG Candidates: David Harris

17 Apr

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part two of four. Look for the other two to come later in the day.

Pictured: Harris, who had a weird obsession with The Music Man and struggles with hot Thai peppers.

What’s your favorite movie?

Favorite movie?  I always  go with, like, three different movies at the same time so you can get a sense of different tastes.  So I would say “The Truman Show,” because that movie kind of blew my mind.  If I were more narcissistic, I would think my life was The Truman Show, but I’m not quite that interesting.   Second would probably be Zoolander, because, in a word, it’s awesome.  And third is Silence of the Lambs.

Oh wow.

Because that movie also blew my mind.  I like most every movie but I don’t like horror movies, so Silence of the Lambs is the closest I could get.  It’s more of a psychological thriller than slasher.

Okay.  Do you have a favorite musical?

Hmm.  I had this weird obsession with The Music Man when I was eight-ish.

The Matthew Broderick version or the Robert Redford version?

The actual, uh, theatre-y…

Oh, just the show.

Yeah.  But now I just watched, a couple weeks ago, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.  Have you seen that?

No.

It’s pretty hilarious.  It’s about a couple of conmen.  It’s got Steve Martin in it.  The movie’s not a musical, but I’ve also seen the musical.

Are you sure you’re not thinking of The Pink Panther?

Yeah, no I’m sure. Continue reading

Meet the ASG Candidates: Benison Choi

17 Apr

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part one of four. Look for the other three to come later in the day.

From left to right: Benison, not Benison

From left to right: Benison, not Benison

What’s your favorite band?

Well I’m super into hip-hop.  I don’t have a band band, I wish I could tell you. I am into, I mean, Tribe Called Quest, Notorious B-I-G.  These are just like…rappers.  I’m not so into bands.  I had a band in high school, if that means anything.  I played the guitar and was the lead for that.  We went for the whole jazzy feel.  I did some freestyle rapping.

What was your band called?

We had no name.  We were just the kids who showed up and fucking killed it.

Wow, that’s an interesting business model for a band.

I mean, yeah.  Why have a name when we speak for ourselves?

Or sing for yourself.  Freestyle for yourself.  

Yeah.

And what’s your favorite movie?

Here’s the thing: I’m a HUGE Back to the Future fan.  I watched it when I was a kid, still watch it, have the posters in my room. Continue reading

ASG Concerned About What Students Want for First Time in 12 Months

8 Apr
The three circles represent interlocking constituencies of ineffectiveness.

The three circles represent interlocking constituencies of ineffectiveness.

EVANSTON–In a surprising turn of events, the Northwestern Associated Student Government–the same organization who brought you great ideas like the “Let’s Get A Willie the Wildcat Statue” Initiative and the “Hey Guys, Remember That One Time We Actually Did Something?” campaign–has now developed a sense of concern and regard for the opinions of the Northwestern student body.

This roundabout represents a quick change in heart for ASG which, as recently as several weeks ago, told the Northwestern student body that only five-thousand dollars of the 10K initiative could go towards projects the students cared about because “Nobody cares about you! That’s why.”

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US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

1 Apr
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

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