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Crazed Murderer Relieved That You Didn’t Check Behind Shower Curtain

28 Apr
(via Elite Linens)

(via Elite Linens)

After a recent trip to the bathroom where you neglected to check behind the shower curtains because for once you decided not to let paranoia control you, the crazed murderer who has spent hours hiding out in your shower stall breathed a sigh of relief.

“For a moment, I thought you were going to whip open the curtains to check for me,” crazed murderer Joseph Walter Harris said as he cradled Continue reading

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Northwestern Bicyclists Protest Wider Sidewalks, Claim It Will Make Their Game “Heart Attack” Too Difficult

25 Apr

With spring in the air Northwestern has begun to seriously consider widening the now crowded sidewalks.  However, the initiative has been met with opposition.  This weekend, over a hundred Northwestern bicyclists appeared outside Norris to protest the proposal.  The organizer of the protest, Victor Elmsworth, had this to say, “I admit we’re a bit spoiled here at NU.  For years we have made Sheridan sidewalks one of the most infamous arenas to play ‘Heart Attack.’ If the school widens our sidewalks, it will be almost impossible to get even ten points a week!”

The point system, of course referring the official “Heart Attack” scoring scale, consists of several opportunities to acquire points.  For example, riding up to a defenseless student and locking the brakes just before contact will be awarded two points.  If you splinter off the sidewalk and manage to narrowly cut someone off upon re-entry, you are awarded three. And finally, if you just run the son of a bitch over, you are awarded five.

The leading scorer, Tanner Worthington, also expressed displeasure Continue reading

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern Parody

10 Apr

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.

Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.

Maybe someday.

But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

We put heinous captions on classic works of art

3 Jan

Hey, have you guise heard about this thing called the Art Institute? It’s like this really old asylum for murderers and stuff.

Maybe I’m thinking of an institution…

Eh, whatever. The point is, there are a lot of famous works of art in this fancy building on Michigan Avenue. And since Sherman Ave has such a vast and commanding mastery of the art world, we thought we’d share some of the Art Institute of Chicago with you.

Here are some priceless works that you can see, too, if you take a trip downtown.

2013 Bowl Game Predictions

31 Dec

Sherman Ave’s premiere sports authorities (like the store: Sports Authority #ad) Samwise Donkenstein and Manua Hiki-Hiki, have come together to give their predictions for 2013’s biggest bowl games. Plan your crippling gambling addictions accordingly.

Chick-Fil-A Gays Are The Worst Bowl: Duke vs. Texas A&M

Manua Hiki-Hiki: In a turn of events not even the assholes at Duke’s Fuqua (pronounced: Fuck You) School of Business could’ve predicted, Mike Krzyzewski’s some guy’s Duke Blue Devil football team that apparently exists and isn’t just a camp for the basketball team, will be taking on Johnny Football and the Texas A&M Agatha Christies (a.k.a Aggies) in The Chick-Fil-A Intolerance Bowl.

Duke, up until a 45-7 throttling by Florida State in ACC Championship Game, had been on course for one of their best seasons in many years. However, their luck is likely to only get worse in the Honestly I Always Assumed Chick-Fil-A Was Full of Bigots Bowl. With their leading rusher Jela Duncan suspended for “an undisclosed violation of its academic policy,” otherwise known as cheating, Duke will be even further disadvantaged in an already mismatched contest against Texas A&M.

Continue reading

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: College Edition

24 Dec

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the school

Not a creature was stirring, not even that one engineer who I fucking swear just lives in the library

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that weed would finally be put in there.

The 20-somethings were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of Fireball danced in their heads.

And mamma in her sweater, and I in my tank,

Had just settled our brains from a long winter’s drank.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I fell off my bed to check what was the matter.

Away to the window I waddled and stumbled,

“Hey, what the fuck’s that?” I aggressively mumbled.

The moon on the breast (HA. Like boob.) of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my glazed-over eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and holy shit are those reindeer?

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than freshmen running to class,

He whistled, and called, and shouted without any mind to the fact that SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE. Ass.

“On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!

Over to the window! And now to the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

Like a regrettable hook-up walking up the road

Away they darted, no mind was showed.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I pulled my face up from my Snapchat,

Down came Santa – APPARENTLY he can just do that.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his toe

Looking like Lady Gaga, at a VMA show.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples red as a cherry!

His cheeks were like roses, like that drunk Asian girl Mary.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin pure white – I think he’d done blow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it circled from his bowl full of kief.

He chuckled and laughed in a quite blissful mood

Then held out his pipe and exclaimed, “hit this, duuuuuude!”

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I frowned when I saw him, and said “you should really try to exercise; being that overweight can lead to high cholesterol, adult onset type 2 diabetes, or, at worst, heart failure; I can actually link you to a great article online about simple ways to improve heart health, if you’re interested?  But whatever, no pressure, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life.  Just something to consider I guess.  I only say because, you know, my Grandfather suffered from heart problems for most of his life.  And he was like you, you know.  Always pretty overweight.  Happy as can be, but, you know, sometimes a good disposition can’t get you everything.  I just miss him.  It’s hard.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have to bore you with all of this.  Just, please, sit down.  Do you want something to drink?  I have eggnog, or maybe some coffee?  It’s a long night for you, I’m sure.  Or even a little snack.  Help yourself to those cookies.  They’re for you…no they’re not gluten free…You’re what?…Oh…I’m sorry, I didn’t know. What exactly is gluten?…Ah, gotcha.  Well, um…we have some Cheerios, if you want…oh…ok, yeah sure.  No problem.  Help yourself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me reason to think I had something to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then started to twerk.

As he dropped his ass right down to the floor,

I knew right then he was a ho ho ho ho.

He sprang to his sleigh, after my grandpa gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Klondike®!”

Merry Christmas, fuckers.

Merry Christmas, fuckers.

Psych Major Loses 45 Friends in Quest for 30 Survey Responses

4 Dec

Blackwell, patiently awaiting her 30th respondent. (via vipdictionary.com)

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking respondents for a survey last Monday. Continue reading

The Daily Terror of a Medilldo in 301

3 Dec

9:00 Wake up. Think to yourself, why didn’t I try to be a doctor instead.

9:45 Leave for the Davis Street Station. Glare at happy-looking people.

9:58 Arrive at the El. The smell of cat pee is now associated with broken dreams.

10:15 After train stalls for three four five minutes, arrive at Howard Continue reading

A Gentile’s Guide to Jewish Christmas

27 Nov

What is this “Hanukkah” I keep hearing about?

Pictured: Jewish Christmas Candle Thing

Pictured: Jewish Christmas Candle Thing

Hanukkah (which is Hebrew for ‘Christmas’), is a Jewish holiday which takes place sometime between October and February, celebrating the Jews discovering fire. They were so proud of this discovery that they decided to show off for over a week by lighting candles every night. But once they realized that Christmas was a thing, they knew they had to step up their game because there was no way that candles could compete with flying deer and bringing dirty trees into the living room. They evened the score by adding presents, food, games, and uncomfortable family conversations, essentially making it a drawn out version of Christmas. Continue reading

Freshman Launches “March Through Her Arch” To Convince Prospies To Commit To NU

17 Nov

Earlier this week, freshman Hailey Sutten reported an estimated 2000 male students from the class of 2018 have pledged to apply to Northwestern early decision due to  her sexual generosity. Sutten, a Biology major with a focus in anatomy, created the prospective student program March through Her Arch earlier this month in hopes of recruiting students who are aroused, yet curious, at the idea of attending Northwestern. Continue reading