- People dancing.
- People kissing.
- A long line to the bathroom.
- A group of guys creating a bong using a blender, a piece of string, and a lead pencil.
- A twerk/salsa dance fusion contest that evolved into an impromptu slam poetry reading.
- Two grown men getting into a fist fight over Orange Is the New Black’s season finale while Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive played in the background.
- The return of The Zodiac Killer.
- A young stripper named Pizza Dough showing up to what she thought was her American Idol audition.
- Chief Keef showing up to rap battle with his own shadow.
- A one man show reenacting D-Day by a Theatre major conflicted about double majoring in Political Science.
- A game of slap cup involving a Russian Ouija board and a toilet seat moist with condensation.
- The filming of a scene from The Wolf of Wall Street 2: The Wolf Pack is Back (in Action).
- Chief Keef murdering his shadow and tattooing a tear drop onto his face.
- Pitbull’s son, Three-Legged Golden Retriever, DJing for twenty minutes before having to leave to take his insulin.
- Whitney Houston’s ghost’s final concert.
- Sherman Ave thwarting the rise of the Confederacy for the third time this year.
- Someone calling the police to report the murder of Chief Keef’s shadow.
- An orgy involving 10 restless hand puppets.
- Girls snorting Malaysian birth control off a bathroom sink.
- Lonely morphine drips looking for hands to hold.
- Slip n’ Slides made slippery by an industrial sized tube of Carmex cherry lip balm.
- A cooler of jungle juice doubling as a portal to the world of Jumanji.
- A damn good time.
Northwestern Bicyclists Protest Wider Sidewalks, Claim It Will Make Their Game “Heart Attack” Too Difficult25 Apr
With spring in the air Northwestern has begun to seriously consider widening the now crowded sidewalks. However, the initiative has been met with opposition. This weekend, over a hundred Northwestern bicyclists appeared outside Norris to protest the proposal. The organizer of the protest, Victor Elmsworth, had this to say, “I admit we’re a bit spoiled here at NU. For years we have made Sheridan sidewalks one of the most infamous arenas to play ‘Heart Attack.’ If the school widens our sidewalks, it will be almost impossible to get even ten points a week!”
The point system, of course referring the official “Heart Attack” scoring scale, consists of several opportunities to acquire points. For example, riding up to a defenseless student and locking the brakes just before contact will be awarded two points. If you splinter off the sidewalk and manage to narrowly cut someone off upon re-entry, you are awarded three. And finally, if you just run the son of a bitch over, you are awarded five.
The leading scorer, Tanner Worthington, also expressed displeasure Continue reading
Preschool crush: You may not have realized it at the time, but you definitely had a crush on someone at preschool. Your preschool crush was the coolest boy in the class: the one whose mom let him wear his hat backwards on their walk to school and built the biggest block towers every single day. EVERY girl wanted to play with this kid. One time, all the girls probably formed a circle with the boy in the middle, joined hands and chanted his name in what appeared to adults as some sort of kiddie-satanic ritual: Dominick, Dominick, Dom-i-nick. He ate that shit up.
3rd grade crush: Your third grade crush was the first boy you ever thought wasn’t completely gross. He was a total jock. He could Continue reading
EVANSTON, Il. — With temperatures finally rising and spring in Evanston approaching normalcy, sources report that McCormick Sophomore Eric Lehman has realized that putting on deodorant does not substitute for taking a shower.
The trend of not showering began when Lehman woke up at 11:50 AM for his 12:00 PM discussion section on Thursday. He reportedly spent the night dancing by himself at The Deuce on Wednesday, sweating profusely. Afraid of missing class, Lehman less-than-generously applied Speed Stick to his armpits and left his dorm. An intense ultimate frisbee practice in the hot sun followed his discussion section, which, Lehman noted while the odor under his shirt began to ferment like a bag of expired Franzia under a solar lamp, “takes away from time to shower.”
Lehman proceeded to Continue reading
Evanston, Il.- Upon listening to his roommate loudly Skype with his best friend at Cornell for two hours while he was trying to study, Weinberg Freshman Mark Ellis discovered that he actually never liked his roommate.
“He is just a real piece of trash,” Ellis said after coming to terms with his realization. Ellis’s discovery comes after nearly seven months of attempting to be his roommate’s, Medill Freshman Brandon Ruiz’s, best friend.
“All he does is eat Wings Over while playing Continue reading
EVANSTON, Il – At 11:37 AM this morning on CollegiateACB, SororityChick69 released the official social rankings of NU’s IFC fraternities. Her announcement falls in the wake of intense deliberation and debate throughout the past year on the site’s comment threads. After refusing an in-person interview, SororityChick69 agreed to speak with Sherman Ave on the phone.
“Deciding who is top tier this year was the hardest Continue reading
It’s spring bitches! Warm weather is here now and people are starting to interact outside again. Anonymity is a thing of the past; no longer can you trudge up Sheridan in your puffy coat and blanket-sized scarf, blending in with the rest of the amorphous blobs in backpacks.
The newfound warmth is fantastic, but it definitely comes with some baggage. For instance, when you’re walking into the wind, your t-shirt might cling to your stomach and reveal the small gut that you weren’t so motivated to work off in the winter. If you’re a girl, maybe you have to shave your legs more often than you did in those cold winter months. The worst side-effect of the nice weather, by far, is that people will be able to recognize you and they will be more prone to try to engage you in a social manner.
Inevitably, you’ll make eye contact with a loose acquaintance at some point when you’re walking to class or hanging out at the Lakefill. Because you go to Northwestern, both of you will probably be awkward as fuck and not know what to do. However, if you’re extremely unlucky, your acquaintance might try to be normal and wave to you or ask you “what’s up?” or “how’s it going?” This would be a nightmare, because Continue reading
One thing you will learn about Northwestern upon arriving your first week is that everyone here loves a good icebreaker. Your Peer Advisers will make this quite clear to you upon arrival but if you have any interest in making new friends here, icebreakers are a great way to start. Try coming up with a few very obscure questions you could ask potential new friends that will challenge them – Northwestern students love to be challenged. Upperclassmen already know the drill so be sure to grill them with all of your icebreaker questions, too.
Icebreakers will also come in handy at parties. Freshmen boys: Icebreakers are a great way to talk to Freshmen girls (and upperclassmen if you’re feeling brave). Here are a few proven questions that have worked in the past: Continue reading