Who to follow/like on Twitter/Facebook

This kid likes Sherman Ave. And somebody called Kate Upton.

Let’s assume, for a second, that you’re heinous. I know, I know: You? You’d never be heinous! Heinous is a bad thing! Like classes that don’t allow laptops or the fact that Tim Pawlenty was so drastically overlooked in the rational-fest that is the GOP primary! But based on the fact that you’re reading this honorable website, I’m gonna say you might be heinous.

And, if you’re as heinous as I imagine, then you may be thinking to yourself, “Ugh I totes feel like I don’t rully follow enough awesome people on social media!” Have no fear: Sir T-Worth is here to ruin the Internet with a nice little list of the best accounts to like or follow on Facebook or Twitter.

Sherman Ave
Why the hell haven’t you liked and followed us yet? We’re fucking hilarious. Do it now.

Your Friend From High School (@FriendFromHS)
This is probably the best parody account on the internet. Seamlessly weaving heinousness, ignorance, terrific spelling, unthinkable abbreves, plotlines and alcoholism into 140 character tidbits, FriendFromHS captures the essence of every townie. You’ll be treated (or tweeted!!! GET IT?!!?) to such joys as “WHY DOES EVER BARTENDA OR HIGH SCHOOL COACH I SLEEP WIT HAVE A WIFE?!?! uggggh #happyvd” and get to know her newly born twins, Caylee and JonBenet. This is potentially our pinnacle as a species.

Not Buster Olney (@Tripping_Olney)
If you love sports or comedy or ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney, look no further. TrippingOlney is the one account that successfully takes a sober, vanilla sports reporter and accurately puts him on LSD. Tweets like “WHY’D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? TO AVOID BEING SIGNED BY THE METS” provide a welcome respite from all the other incredibly serious accounts on this list. And you know it’s funny because he tweets in ALL CAPS.

Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden)
Sweet sultry seamstress of sexual synergy! America’s favorite underage future-sex-tape-star has never been one to hold back, be it in her choice of husband, affinity for flirting with pumpkins, or on Twitter. Stodden, who rose to fame for her, um, “mature” looks and marriage to former LOST star and 51-year-old Doug Hutchison at the age of 16, uses Twitter as her personal release for all that lusty, lusty lust she has pent up. She also uses an unthinkable amount of alliteration. Which is cool. But guys, she’s 17. Is this whole situation legal?

Did you seriously just tweet about how you became the mayor of the Norris Crepe Station?

Jed Bartlet(@Pres_Bartlet)
If you’re a West Wing fan, this is 2 e-z. But even if you’re not it’s well worth your time to follow the “fictional” president from the show. Bartlet’s tweets have the ability to appear as snappy 140-character one-liners, yet often make a valid point in a witty, concise way. The account’s creators stay true to the show’s character and stick both to his politics and style. But be warned: Bartlet was a Democrat (and perhaps the greatest president we’ve ever had) and his tweets follow suit. Santorum-huggers may want to stay away.

Facebook
OMG like it on Facebook, it’s so meta! Meta on meta on meta. Everything’s meta, I love being meta. I have no idea what meta means.

Newt Gingrich Ideas (@GingrichIdeas)
Newt Gingrich loves thinking of stuff. He loves thinking of himself as President, he loves thinking of divorcing his wife for a younger version, he loves thinking of the moon, and he loves thinking of ideas. This account has a direct link to Newt’s brain and such brilliant ideas as “Kittens.” or “Trick a Muslim into eating pork so I can steal his powers” or “Show up at the Grammys in a wig and accept all of Adele’s awards.” If we get enough people to follow this account, the Republican primary voters might remember he exists again!

George Takei
Guys he’s so funny. Like literally, who could have foreseen that Lt. Sulu would end up this balla? His Facebook page has seriously become my one-stop shop for all things random, funny, inappropriate, poignant, and in favor of marriage equality. He’s the definition of the old guy who knows how to use Facebook and he’s done a great job of establishing a personal relationship with his fans through caption contests and personal posts. We must reward this kind of behavior. Like him immediately.

Northwestern Girl (@NrthwesternGrl)
She just gets us. Northwestern Girl takes all of NU’s subtle habits, phrases, and tendencies and combines them into the epitome of an overachieving sorostitute who casually lives in Norris. Her knowledge of what makes NU students tick is at once enviable and horrifying, and tweets such as “We should totally do that. Let’s go during reading week!” and “When are you getting to Evanston slash when are we getting together???? FREAKING OUT” will leave you giggling alone in your room because you have no friends.

Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson)
Rainn Wilson’s Twitter picture is currently Jeremy Lin. That’s pretty all you need to know about this account. Wilson, who plays Dwight on the popular American version of the British smash hit comedy “The Office” airing Thursday nights on NBC even though Steve Carrell left, tackles comedy, politics, and everything weird on this account. Perhaps the best way to summarize Wilson’s eclectic Tweeting style is through this one: “They keep switching T-Mobile girls & thinking we won’t notice. Like Bewitched.”

Jenna Marbles (@Jenna_Marbles)
She’s taught us how to do The Face. She’s filled us in on how to trick people into thinking you’re good looking. She let us know what the ladiez do in the car. But now, everyone’s favorite YouTube

It's no Dmitri, but it'll get the job done.

comedian/likely stripper is dispensing her knowledge on the Twitters. Marbles fills her page with tidbits of heinous to keep us informed on how to like the white girl trash lifestyle 24/7. Anecdotes like “I just did the walk of shame from my living room to my bedroom” and “Couple of shots of tequila deep. Anyone else? Just me? Cool. *cries about life*” let you know that she’s the real deal, too.

Burnett’s (@_Burnetts)
This parody account highlights the lowlights of consuming perhaps the fifth worst vodka known to man. Tweets range from follower-submitted Burnett’s horror stories to polite encouragement that comes in handy when you’re reconsidering your life choices. Usually hilarious, _Burnett’s lets us remember that there are other heinouses out there in the world, if only you know where to look. One note of caution: sometimes this shit is too real.

Badasses in History: Audie Murphy

Audie, en route to fucking some shit up

Let’s start this week’s historical badass with a riddle. What’s black and blue and red all over? Answer: Chuck Norris after trying to fuck with Audie Murphy.

“That’s impossible!” you say.

Well, shut the fuck up and sit down and maybe you’ll see what I’m talking about.

You see our story begins in 1924 when Audie was born the sixth of twelve children to Emmett and Josie Murphy in Kingston, Texas. Things were hard for Audie, as he was and would remain very small, something looked poorly upon in Texas, “where everything is bigger.”

Riiiiiiight.

Anyway, Audie and his siblings worked on the family farm as children, at least until his father abandoned the family in 1936, presumably saying, “How the fuck did we end up with this many kids?” His mother died five years later, leaving the Murphy children to fend for themselves, with only the oldest sibling, Elizabeth, at age 31 to care for them.

Audie, rightfully realizing his life was going up shit-creek faster than a prairie dog in a wheelbarrow race, decided the best thing to do would be for him to join the army. So, Audie put his three youngest siblings in an orphanage (he would later reclaim them after coming back from the war), and attempted to enlist.

See, I say “attempted” for a reason.

Thing is, Audie tried to enlist right after Pearl Harbor, at age 17, but was turned away for being too young. Reputedly, Audie hulked the fuck out on the recruiter, but matters would stand this way for some time. Shortly after, Audie tried to enlist once again, but was declined by the Marines, the Air Force, and the Navy.

Why? Well, he was 5’5’’ and 110 pounds. Yeah, he kind of looked like one of those starving kids Sally Struthers is always bitching about. Luckily for Audie however, the United States Army was always on the lookout for meatshields…I mean corpses…I mean cannon fodder.

Damn it! I mean upstanding, brave specimens of American masculinity.

Yeah, that works.

So, long story short, Audie finally got to live out his dream of being a military man. At which point he promptly passed out during training and was ordered to be a cook instead. But, like short people everywhere, Audie wouldn’t shut the fuck up. He insisted on being a combat soldier for so long that finally his drill sergeant gave up and let him do it.

At this point Audie got sent overseas to North Africa, where he saw no action and presumably just fucked around playing stickball or something. After getting tossed over to Sicily however, Audie finally got to prove himself and was quickly promoted to sergeant.

So he was only like 18. He was Audie Motherfucking Murphy, so suck it.

That's more gold on his chest than Nelly has in his mouth

Now we get to the fun part, and by fun part, I mean we get to the part where Audie becomes the most decorated soldier in American history.

I didn’t mention that before? Really? I could have sworn…

Well no matter! Just listen up.

By the way, Audie contracted malaria during the Allied Invasion of Siciliy. So everything I’m about to explain? He did it with malaria. Yeah.

At one point, Audie mined a road where Axis tanks were known to be crossing. Asking his men to cover him, Audie stealthily snuck up on one such tank and tried to blow the thing up with a Molotov cocktail. When that didn’t work, Audie tried rifle grenades (all while getting shot at, and pulling Matrix style shit to avoid them). It worked. All by his lonesome, Audie managed to knock the tank off its treads, rendering it useless.

Yeah, Audie Murphy took out a tank, all by himself.

What the fuck? I can’t even do that shit in a videogame much less real life. And he was 5’5’’. There are NBA centers whose arms are longer than that. AND he was 110 lbs. That’s like what? How much my books weigh each quarter?

So we’ve established he was a badass, and that alone would be enough to ensure him a place of glory (it did win him a Bronze Star), but it’s not all.

The scene: It’s 1944, the Germans are being repelled and the Allies are pushing forward. BUT! The German forces are by no means down for the count. Enter a beachhead in Southern France.

Audie and his company were ordered to capture an enemy artillery position. In the course of the conflict, the Germans signaled their surrender, at which point Audie and his men went to take their position.

Of course, Nazi’s being total dickwads, they were faking and promptly shot and killed Audie’s BFFL.

This was really quite a poor decision on behalf of those Germans. I say “poor decision,” but what I really mean is “complete and utter catastrophe.” This is because Audie Murphy, on seeing his friend gunned down in front of his eyes, went Super Saiyan.

Legends say that he was doused with fire and emerged unscathed. That he shrugged off the strikes of lightning like they were so much trash. He endured a hail of bullets and his screams of rage flung them to the ground.

It may not be all true, but the reality is this: Within one hour, every single German was dead. Audie literally ran to the German position, amidst a storm of bullets, and took control of the nearest machine gun, slaughtering every Nazi within sight, and winning him the Distinguished Service Cross.

When another machine gun operator starting firing on Audie, he promptly picked up a mortar gun and gave that Kraut bastard what for. He then took out two more turrets and two sniper positions.

All by HIMSELF. This guy makes Rambo look like a pussy. Hell, he makes Seal Team 6 look like kindergarteners.

But even that doesn’t measure up to his actions in Holtzwihr Forest, which I’ll get to in a minute.

Before Holtzwihr Forest, however, Audie won the Purple Heart —for taking a mortar shell fragment to the hip, then immediately requesting to return to the front upon recovery — and two Silver Stars — the first for taking out two German positions using only a pair of hand grenades, saving the lives of numerous other soldiers; the second for reconnoitering near a German outpost and relaying its location to nearby artillery so it could be destroyed.

In case you aren’t keeping track at home, the tally is as follows: 1 Bronze Star, 1 Purple Heart, 1 Distinguished Service Cross, and 2 Silver Stars. Not bad for a 20-year-old right? He was also promoted to staff sergeant, then platoon sergeant, then platoon leader, AND THEN 2nd Lieutenant during this time.

Well it gets better.

On January 26th, 1945 (just one day after being named company commander, as well as suffering wounds from a mortar that exploded nearby that same fucking day), Audie and company became engaged in battle in the Holtzwihr Forest in France (I know, the name sounds German. Shut up).

During the course of the battle, Murphy’s 128-man company was reduced to 19 men, nearly all of them wounded. Realizing things might not turn out sunshine and daises, Audie decided to do something incredible: hold the Germans off by himself.

Yeah, he did that thing every movie hero does but that no one has the balls to pull of in real life. HE PULLED A FUCKING GANDALF AND SAID “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

Seriously though, he shot at the Germans until he ran out of ammunition, at which point he climbed aboard a flaming, abandoned M10 Tank Destroyer (yes, it fucking blows the shit up out of tanks). Remember, it was on fire while he did everything I’m about to tell you. And he still had malaria. And he was wounded from the mortar shell. Also, it was 14°F. Just so we’re clear.

Audie started using the .50 caliber machine gun on all Germans coming his way. He got shot in the leg, but kept going for nearly an hour, all single-handed. The only time he stopped fighting was to call in artillery fire using a nearby telephone line.

In the end, Murphy and his remaining men—who came back—staged a counterattack and drove the Germans back out of Holtzwihr Forest, winning the battle.

When asked why he had decided to seize a machine gun and attack an entire squad of German infantry, he uttered perhaps the most badass explanation ever given:

Nobody fucks with Audie's betches

“They were killing my friends.”

I stand in awe of this man. If he wanted to punch me in the face I would take it and be honored. For his actions in Holtzwihr, Audie was given the Legion of Merit and the Medal of Honor, America’s highest military award, as well as given a promotion to 1st Lieutenant.

Audie continued fighting in the war, amassing a staggering total of military awards. In fact, he won every single U.S. decoration for valor available to Army ground personnel at the time. Some of them more than once.

In total, Audie was credited with destroying 6 tanks, and personally killing 240 German soldiers. Audie would eventually be promoted to Major while serving in the Texas National Guard. After his retirement from the service, he became an action star in Hollywood, starring in a few Westerns and — get this — playing himself in a movie called To Hell and Back about his battle in Holtzwihr.

He was such a popular actor, in fact, that he got a star on the Walk of Fame.

How can you get more badass?

Oh, here’s a list of Audie’s medals. If you don’t feel like counting, the number is 33. He was, and is, the most decorated soldier in American history.

• Congressional Medal of Honor
• Distinguished Service Cross
• Two Silver Stars
• Legion of Merit
• Two Bronze Stars
• Three Purple Hearts
• U.S. Army Outstanding Civilian Service Medal
• Good Conduct Medal
• Two Presidential Unit Citations
• American Campaign Medal
• European-African-Middle Eastern Campaign Medal with One Silver Star,
Four Bronze Service Stars and one Bronze Arrowhead
• World War II Victory Medal
• Army of Occupation Medal
• Armed Forces Reserve Medal
• Combat Infantry Badge
• Marksman Badge with Rifle Bar
• Expert Badge with Bayonet Bar
• French Fourragere in Colors of the Croix de Guerre
• French Legion of Honor, Grade of Chevalier
• French Croix de Guerre With Silver Star
• French Croix de Guerre with Palm
• Medal of Liberated France
• Belgian Croix de Guerre 1940 Palm

The 5 Historical Figures You’d Most Like To See at a Frat Party

Hey babe, you can't spell "annulment" without a "u" and a "me"

5. Catherine of Aragon
First of all, let’s be real: This crazy bitch could get into any frat party she wanted. The last time she was rejected by a man, that man was excommunicated by the Catholic Church. No doorman would want to turn her away (unless, of course, she was trying to get into AEPi). Once at the party, there’s no telling what kind of shit this Iberian bombshell would do. It’s safe to assume she’d still be looking for a rebound after her messy split from King Henry VIII, and considering that he was a fat sack of shit, she would probably have pretty low standards. Sex-deprived Northwestern students would be falling all over each other for the chance to hook up with this royal slampiece.

4. Gustavus Adolphus
At the ripe age of 17, most of us were engaged in very mundane activities – applying to colleges, trying to power through senior year, dedicating 5-8 hours a day to Sporcle, etc. Gustavus Adolphus? At age 17, he was the commander of the largest army in recorded history up to that point. Setting aside the all-consuming fear I have of this Swede, he would be an excellent addition to any party environment. Between in-depth explanations of battlefield tactics and incredible first-person military accounts, he would presumably inflict fatal wounds upon at least 15 obnoxious douchebags and impregnate at least 35 Thetas.

McClellan could mix pretentious douchiness with an inability to follow through like some of the best gentlemen PIKE has ever produced

3. General George B. McClellan
Okay, we all know the guy was a total bitch. However, a high level of bitchery does not prevent a high level of frattery. In fact, it probably encourages it. Therefore, while General McClellan may have been largely responsible for thousands of Union casualties at the Battle of Antietam due to his ill-advised decision not to deploy the entire army, there is little doubt that the man known far and wide as the most popular Union general would be able to throw down like my redneck relatives at a Hank Williams Jr. concert. Additionally, McClellan’s post-war career in New Jersey politics was certainly the foundation for the collective heinousness of the Jersey Shore cast.

2. Bill Clinton
I have yet to meet someone from Arkansas who couldn’t hold their liquor, and if there happens to be an Arkansan who can’t, it sure as hell isn’t William Jefferson Clinton. To begin with, it’s universally understood that the length of one’s middle name is directly correlated with his or her greatness. Think about it – there are Ross Benjaminfranklingeorgewashington Packinghams, and there are James Earl Carters. Furthermore, almost everyone likes Bill Clinton. And for the few that don’t, they wouldn’t have to deal with him long before he mysteriously disappears with an overly-intoxicated freshman girl.

Good thing the theme party tonight is "Tsars in Bars"

1. Peter the Great
We must acknowledge an absolute truth: Russians can drink anybody under the table. Any doubts I had about that fact were dispelled when I read War and Peace. Even so, Peter the Great makes all other Russians look like an Orgo study group when it comes to plasterability and general badassery. If this boss motherfucker were at a frat party, he would make even the broiest Sig Eps and Lodges look like prepubescent flautists as he takes 45-second swigs of grain alcohol while giving a detailed account of the time he murdered his son on the basis of his son being a pussy.