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Tag Archives: 2014

Class of 2014’s Senior Citizens Thrilled with Selection of Commencement Speaker

4 Apr
muti5

(via voices.suntimes.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – The news that Riccardo Muti, music director of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, was tabbed as this year’s commencement speaker for Northwestern University was met with overwhelming excitement on Thursday by the large contingent of senior citizens in the Class of 2014.

“I’m a pretty a typical Northwestern student. I have seven grandchildren, reading glasses, and a hip replacement,” explained eighty-five year-old Weinberg senior Wilfred O. Rumpelstein. “So I think I speak for all of my classmates when I say that a classical music director is kind of a dream selection for the speaker that will wrap up my college experience.”

Campus officials explained that the decision was an easy one. “We’re very happy with the selection of Riccardo Muti as this year’s commencement speaker,” said one campus official on Thursday. “We were looking for someone who represented the interests of the outgoing class and a seventy-two year old, Italian classical music conductor seemed like the obvious choice.”

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APPLY TO BE A WRITER FOR SHERMAN AVE!!! (Spring 2014 Remix Edition)

30 Mar

Sherman Ave LogoHey reader. How’s it going? Well? That’s good.

Isn’t it nice that spring is here? The snow is melting; the sun is beginning to shine; and warmer, brighter, and more pleasant temperatures are on the way. In general, it is a time when everything seems better and more promising.

If you’re the kind of person who detracts from such happiness and joy, then you should apply to be a writer for Sherman Ave!

That’s right, boys and girls; we’re looking for a brand new (rotting) crop of the most atrocious, immoral, and all-around heinous scribes and scribettes that we can find. And there’s a chance that YOU could be in that crop! Isn’t that exciting? ANSWER YES IT’S EXCITING IT’S VERY EXCITING.

So how do you apply? First, download the Sherman Ave application here. (Or here. Or here.) Fill that fucker out the bestest you can, and then submit it electronically to shermanave1@gmail.com no later than 11:59 PM on Friday, April 11th. If we think you’d be a good fit, you will be invited to an individual, in-person interview. The interview will take place at some point during the day on Friday, April 18th. If we REALLY REALLY like you, you will then be selected to participate in a super-special group interview, which will take place the following day: Saturday, April 19th.

A few things to keep in mind: Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT have to be a Northwestern student to write for Sherman Ave. We love everybody in the entire world equally, and if you’re funny, we’d be psyched to have you.

Also, make sure to BE YOURSELF on your application!!!! In all seriousness, we can’t stress this enough: write in your own, personal voice. We want to hear you, and what you think is funny, not what you think a Sherman Ave writer should sound like. If you only want to make jokes about the War of 1812, then go for it. Just stay true to who YOU think you are as a writer.

Tl;dr: Apply for Sherman Ave!!! HERE’S THE LINK TO THE APPLICATION AGAIN.

Have a heinous, heinous day.

The 2014 Oscars: Who Will Win and Who Should Win

2 Mar

Oscar Scary LookingBest Picture:

  • Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave

  • Why: Guiiiiilt trip.

  • Who Should Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

  • Why: This breathtaking adventure flick digs deep into issues surrounding age, vitality, and societal expectations of the elderly. With gritty performances from its ensemble cast, Bad Grandpa was basically “Nebraska,” “The Wolf Of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” all rolled into one whirlwind ride that critics described as “a movie,” “the next installment in the popular Jackass series,” and “R-rated.”

Best Director:

  • Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

  • Why: Consider this a make up prize for when his work on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was snubbed.

  • Who Should Win: Continue reading

2014 Oscar Nominee Predictions

15 Jan

Best Picture:

Oscar

(via oscars.org)

The Wolf of Wall Street

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s fuckin’ Scorsese.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Movies involving quaaludes historically do not get nominated for Best Picture (Sorry, Almost Famous, for bringing back bad memories).

Her

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the first movie that has made technology sexy since Bicentennial Man.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Those high-waisted pants.

The Croods

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the Citizen Kane of caveman based animated films.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s the only near lock on this list.

42

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy owes it to the number community.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The nominations are announced too close to MLK Day, so it won’t be nominated to avoid confusion between the two African American heroes.

Pain & Gain

Could Be Nominated Because: Michael Bay has threatened to give swirlies to every member of The Academy.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was suspended for the entire 2014 MLB season.

R.I.P.D

Could Be Nominated Because: That sweet Macklemore song in the trailer.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Jeff Bridges has exhausted every bit of good will The Academy has given him.

Last Vegas

Could Be Nominated Because: Each of the lead actors gives the best performance of their careers.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Old men are gross.

47 Ronin

Could Be Nominated Because: The trailer looked kind of cool.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s a terrible movie.

Grudge Match

Could Be Nominated Because: Answers the age old questions of “What if they made Rocky Balboa but hilarious?”

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It was written by the guy who created Entourage.

Best Director:

Steve McQueen – 12 Years a Slave

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy think the famous tough guy actor has resurrected from the dead and directed a film.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Academy found out that it was just some dude and not the famous tough guy actor who has resurrected from the dead.

Michael Bay – Pain & Gain

Could Be Nominated Because: See above

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bullying is a huge issue in America.

Tyler Perry – Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Could Be Nominated Because: He’s due.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Years of shoving Madea down our throats.

Kirk DeMicco & Chris Sanders – The Croods

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the best movie of the year.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No chance in hell.

Roman Coppola – A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

Could Be Nominated Because: Every decade a new Coppola has to be nominated for Best Director.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Sofia Coppola threw a shit fit when Roman was nominated for Best Original Screenplay, and The Academy does not want that again.

Best Actor:

Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street as Jordan Belfort

Could Be Nominated Because: We finally got to see what we wanted all these years: A candle up Leo’s ass.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Not enough cocaine abuse.

Nicolas Cage in The Croods as Grug Crood

Could Be Nominated Because: It was a vocal tour de force.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMp8aDH8d9M

Chadwick Boseman in 42 as Jackie Robinson

Could Be Nominated Because: To anger and confuse 12 Years a Slave fans.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: All of the voters were big fans of the New York Giants.

Arjun Kapoor in Aurangzeb as Ajay / Vishal

Could Be Nominated Because: I guess he was good.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Full disclosure: We copied and pasted the wrong guy and movie.

Ashton Kutcher in Jobs as Steve Jobs

Could Be Nominated Because: The telecast needs to bring in the 17 year old girl with bad taste in men demographic.

Won’t Be Nominated Because:  We’re not 100% sure that Jobs actually was a real movie.

Best Actress:

Ashley Tisdale in Scary Movie 5 as Jody Sanders

Could Be Nominated Because: We finally get to see a good role for a woman.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: There’s no any performance in this film could live up to Anna Faris’ in Scary Movie 4.

Amy Adams in American Hustle as Sydney Prosser

Could Be Nominated Because: All that side boob.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Hey! Pick an accent!

Sandra Bullock in Gravity as Dr. Ryan Stone

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy likes seeing a woman in peril.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Ryan Stone is a boys name.

Sarah Wright in 21 & Over as Nicole

Could Be Nominated Because: She holds her own next to the legend, Miles Teller.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one knew this movie has a woman in it.

Emma Stone in The Croods as Eep Crood

Could Be Nominated Because: The Croods can not be stopped.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=617MBLj9MSE

Best Supporting Actor:

RZA in G.I Joe: Retaliation as Blind Master

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy snubbed him for his lived-in performance in Funny People.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Kodak Theatre does not has enough seats for the entire Wu-Tang Clan.

Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips as Abduwali Muse

Could Be Nominated Because: He’s a first time nominee who delivered a smashing performance.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Some of the older voters think that he was a real Somali pirate.

Rob Schneider in InAPPropriate Comedy as Psychologist

Could Be Nominated Because: Hollywood needs to keep this comedy legend relevant.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Vince “The ShamWow Guy” directed this movie.

Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club as Rayon

Could Be Nominated Because: Many of the voters are huge 30 Seconds to Mars fans.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: This  movie wasn’t as good as Tootsie

Ryan Reynolds in The Croods as Guy

Could Be Nominated Because: He had a huge year with both R.I.P.D and The Croods being released and critically lauded.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JAI67yP1K0

Best Supporting Actress:

Oprah Winfrey in The Butler as Gloria Gaines

Could Be Nominated Because: The middle aged housewife voting block of The Academy is strong.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one gave a shit about this film.

Kim Kardashian in Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor as Ava

Could Be Nominated Because: Bound 2 video

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bound 3 video

June Squibb in Nebraska as Kate Grant

Could Be Nominated Because: She had an affair with the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Cheryl Boone Isaacs

Won’t Be Nominated Because: TMZ reports that Squibb broke it off with Cheryl Boone Isaacs recently due to a “cunnilingus incident.”

Heather Graham in The Hangover Part III as Jade

Could Be Nominated Because: She can finally receive recognition for being the moral center of the Hangover series.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: I’m pretty sure no member of The Academy saw this movie.

C. C. H. Pounder in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones as Madame Dorothea

Could Be Nominated Because: I mean, it’s a pretty funny name to say. Just imagine her name being said during the telecast and try not to chuckle.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: She has yet to reveal what C.C.H means. And until she does SHE WILL WATCH THE OSCAR TELECAST FROM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Team-by-team Predictions for the NFL in 2014

2 Jan

We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.

In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014. Continue reading