What Your Favorite (Cheap, Shitty) Beer Says About You

If you’re drinking Old Style, then chances are you’re either too old to operate a computer, or just got ejected from a Cubs game. Either way, this isn’t the blog for you.

It’s that magical time of the year again in Evanston: early March. Nobody has seen the sun in three months, finals are rapidly approaching as all of your friends at other schools gear up for spring break, and it’s so cold that Morty has moved his office to the steam tunnels.

What differentiates March from the rest of winter quarter, you may ask? Baseless hope that spring is right around the corner. Kinda like that scene in Batman where Bane is all like “Yo, this prison is the fucking TITS because being able to see the sun makes bitches go CRAZY.”

3 Stellar Halloween Costume Ideas

Personal favorite: Slutty Abe Lincoln

Warning: Sherman Ave does not condone or endorse the use of any of the costumes. Not a single one. Seriously guys.

So you need a brilliant costume idea for Halloween this year and you are completely out of ideas? No worries! Here at Sherman Ave, we are more than happy to put our minds and nimble fingers of Eleanor Kinkervoss (our resident Martha Stewart, tbh) to work to create stunning garbs of Samhain delight!

1. The Race Controversy
Simply don a sombrero, blackface, or a kimono and walk around with a peace pipe (of “tobacco” of course) and greeting people with a booming “HOW!” Also constantly be at war with the white person inside of you and try to oppress each part of your costume by yelling slurs at yourself. Points if you can hit more ethnic pejoratives than all of Ryan Murphy’s shows combined.

2. The Keg
Fashion a single-person tent into a poncho type shroud supported by your shoulders and let any girl obviously younger than 21 enter the tent through the flap in the back of the tent. Carry a 30-rack of any cheap beer and give one to any person able to jump over you when you sit down.

3. Sherman Ave (alone or group costume)
Gather as many friends as you can to pregame the festivities with a tons of Keystone Light and cheap vodka while screaming Katy Perry and Adele songs. One or two of you can also mime masturbating to Pippa Middleton’s visage and the others can all blackout in Fran’s.

Alternatively, you could just go as a slutty rabbit or dead football player like every character in every fucking teen movie ever. Have fun!

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Party Like a Wildcat

NOTE: According to the Illinois Liquor Control Act of 1934, no person under the age of 21 years old may purchase, drink or possess any alcoholic beverage. Therefore, I would like to ask anyone under 21 years of age to stop reading this post and go back to watching Dora the Explorer or whatever the fuck you children do. I would also like to point out that while this post is intended for incoming freshman, I am assuming that the vast majority of freshman took three consecutive gap-years (The Gapfecta) and are currently 21.

Now then. Care to Party Rock?