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Tag Archives: 90s

7 Times Jennifer Lawrence Got Away with a Crime Because She’s So Quirky

28 Feb

1. Stealing from an Orphanage

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Stale bread is the main source of nutrition at Saint Bethesda’s Home for Little Girls with No Parents and Many Disabilities. Those parentless, limbless little girls salivated at the thought of a stale French roll. Jennifer Lawrence would not let them have that happiness.

On February 20, 2014, the orphans huddled around the bread truck’s exhaust pipe to stay warm. The delivery man stepped out of the truck and opened the bed for a group of girls crying tears of joy at the thought of a winter donation. None of the orphans expected Jennifer Lawrence to be sitting in an empty truck, gorging herself on the final crumb. J-Law calmed the sobbing orphans by saying, “But, I eat pizza and I’m not all too concerned with my body image! Doopity doopity doo.” The orphans proceeded to laugh as if nothing had happened. J-Law proceeded to spread her wings and fly off into the night, taking an orphan in her claws back to her nest in Los Angeles.

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11 Things Only 1790s Kids Will Understand

26 Oct

The clothes, the music, the crazy things that happened – no decade was as great as the 1790s.  And if you’re a true kid of the 90s, you’ll have a major nostalgia attack when you see the images we scraped together off Google images in about 20 minutes:

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Why You Are Not a Child of the 90s

13 Jan
No matter how hard Buzzfeed might try to convince you otherwise.

No matter how hard Buzzfeed might try to convince you otherwise.

We love the 90s.

And why shouldn’t we?  As a country, we were kicking ass.  The economy was great, the internet was just beginning to take off, and the music was fucking awesome.  Just ask any high school or college student about that gloried, fabled time period, and you’ll probably receive a flurry of “omygods” and “the90swereawesome” and, most frequently “I am totally a child of the 90s.”

I hate to break it to you, university students, but you are not children of the 90s.  You weren’t children of the 90s in the 90s, you aren’t children of the 90s now, and you won’t be children of the 90s in 20 years.  You are not a “child” of that time period, so shut the fuck up and stop claiming you are.

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The Greatest Toys of the 90s

4 Dec
Oh God. The eyes.

Now it’s Furby’s turn to play with you.

It’s that special time of the year–when people are running around frantically chasing the best deals and sob over their sleep-deprived, caffeine-fueled bender that maxed-out their credit cards on Cyber Monday. Which presumes, of course, that they weren’t trampled on Black Friday, and instead only stomped others to death. You might have proverbial blood on your hands, but at least you got a Nook, amirite!?

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Making Friends

4 Sep

I see 2,000 future friends

One of the best aspects of the college experience is how many fascinating people you meet and subsequently engage in raucous shenanigans with. A good collection of bffles can be an essential asset in all of the tasks that you will face during your freshman year, from drunkenly yelling at buoys in Lake Michigan to figuring out how to torrent The Lion King 1 1/2 without getting caught.

At first, making friends with complete strangers in a strange, strange land replete with fraternities, an all-night Burger King, and theater students can seem like a frightening challenge. But that’s no cause for alarm. Everybody is in the same boat as you, and upon completion of your freshman year you will be astounded by how many cool friends you have made and how many mysterious names still remain in your phone’s contacts — the forgotten identities of all your over-eager peers who decided to try and befriend you due to your proximity to one another at March through the Arch. Just remember that friendships grow organically and cannot be forced, unless, of course, you follow our sage wisdom on how to meet new friends.

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