Halloran, conveniently photographed as he was checking his mailbox from the inside of his mailbox.
Northville, MI – Local man Brian Halloran, 34, as of 8:37 AM today, has been anxiously waiting by the mailbox in front of his apartment complex, expecting to receive an immediately-cashable check from insurance company Esurance.
“They said on ad I get money,” Halloran remarked. “I like money. I want money. If I wait here, I get money. Want money now.”
Esurance, a company that sells car insurance, made national waves when they ran an ad immediately following yesterday’s Super Bowl, promising to give away $1.5 million to a random twitter user, provided the user tweeted the hashtag “#EsuranceSave30.”
Halloran was one of the 25 million twitter accounts to do so, each of which tweeted the hashtag an average of two times, making the total number of #EsuranceSave30 tweets total 50,000,000.
“I win money,” he said to himself at 9:29, 10:16, 11:53, 1:44, 3:20, and 5:02 today. “Win money get happy. Esurance and Jim Halpert give me money. I like money now.”
Halloran’s odds to win the $1.5 million, which would most likely be less than half that amount when adjusted for taxes, are 0.00000002%.
I don’t know about you, but I freaking love Klondike Bars®. They are my morning, noon, and night. A frosty cold Klondike Bar® is the wind beneath my wings, taking me higher and higher on a path to glorious ecstasy.
CHICAGO, IL — The day after Super Bowl Sunday has come to mark a national holiday for little girls across the country as tens of thousands of drunk fathers rush to buy the Clydesdale horses that appear annually in national Budweiser commercials.
A group of seven men who viewed Super Bowl XLVII at Callaway’s Pub in Chicago’s Lakeview neighborhood echoed the voices of many drunken men across the United States who happened to be well into their eighth beers as this year’s iconic Clydesdale Budweiser ad played.
“That man gave his horse everything he got, and it broke his damn heart when the fella didn’t recognize him after all those years,” claimed Lou Romano with tears welling in his eyes, “Hell, nearly broke our damn hearts, too.”
You may have heard of Rick Perry. He’s a candidate for president running in the Republican Party. He used to be George Bush’s pet lieutenant governor in Texas and was reportedly scarred by separation anxiety after Georgie Boy left him for Washington.
He also owned a shooting ranch. He decided the name of that ranch should probably have the most racially offensive word his limited vocabulary could think of.
Here’s another fun fact: Rick Perry is not going to be president. However, he released today a super cool new campaign ad that will make you all love him. Here it is:
Without further ado, I present the Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever:
1. The Title
Strong? That’s a weird way to spell “Blatant Hail Mary for the Evangelical Vote in Iowa.”
2. “I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.”
Yeah, well thanks to assholes like you, the rest of us are. It’s because of homophobes like this that other Christians have to spend all day explaining that we like the parts of the Bible about “luhhing thy neighbor” and “blessed are the poor” and “eternal salvation” more than the dietary restrictions or instructions on selling thine daughters into slavery. Like, seriously, stop it. I’m sick of explaining that 1% of the Christians own 90% of the bigotry.
3. “You don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong.”
It’s literally like he views religion as some sort of item on a checklist. You sat in a pew on a particular day of the week? FORGET WHAT YOU BELIEVE OR DO, YOU ARE NOW A CHRISTIAN CONGRATS WE’RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU.
4. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military”
Yeah I just doubled up on a line. What of it? That’s how fucking heinous this piece of horseshit ad is. Now then, there is almost nothing that angers me more than people demanding that all them gays be kept out of the military. While I have never served in the military, I’m pretty fucking sure that when you’re running into a hail of gunfire there is almost nothing as irrelevant as which type of genitalia you prefer in and around your mouth.
5. “But our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school”
Bro. I went to public school. We celebrated the living shit out of Christmas. So much Christmas. So little not Christmas. Now go change your underwear, take your pills and get back in your cage.
But in terms of school prayer, Rickie Bobby Redux hit the nail on the head. I’d sit in school all day just bursting at the seams to pray! But every time I tried, that dadgum Obamer would run in lock me up at the Guantanamo Bay just for thinking of it. It’s an outrage! Thank goodness there’s a candidate who finally had the guts to make school prayer an issue in a presidential election. Stupid Titmonger.
6. The fact that he stops walking up the hill after like three steps
Just going for a casual three-step stroll? Cool brah. I hope you’re happy with your life choices.
7. “I’ll end Obama’s war on religion”
No no, silly. That’s “Obama’s war on bin Laden” that you’re thinking of. And newsflash: YEEEEAAAHHHHH WE GOT HIMMMMMM. VICTORYYYYYY.
8. That his staff forgot to turn off the ability to like/dislike this video
As of my most recent viewing, 97.71% of those who responded disliked the video. Literally. 46,000 dislikes to 1,000 likes. You couldn’t get 97.71% of Americans to agree on how much they hate something if it was a contest between Casey Anthony and Adele.
9. His hair is so nice
Ugh. I’m gonna be bald by the time I’m forty. Fuck Rick Perry.
Wait, I was supposed to come up with ten things I hated? But I only have nine… Uhhh… What was that tenth one again? We had the uh… There was the… the… title and the uh… the war on religion… and uh… I can’t. The tenth one. Oops.
Sherman Ave 
