Northwestern Administration Gets Caffeine Rush, Excitedly Re-Allocates $3.75 Billion to Intangible Buzzwords

(via Northwestern)

Northwestern declared that they will raise 3.75 billion dollars to improve the University after yesterday morning’s “Dollar Coffee” deal at Java Café.

There was reportedly a “Super Scholastic Brainstorm” which consisted of several administrative members pacing around the presidential office enthusiastically pitching ideas.  Reports have confirmed that the group members were thinking of ideas so fast that they did not even have time to write them all down.

Chris Combe and Adam Karr, two Co-Chairs of the initiative, reportedly

An Argument for No Northwestern University Classes on Presidents Day

Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

In 1776, one country dawned in a time of great uncertainty. The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians![1] – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, George Washington, was battling dentures, a vicious, dirty campaign from Frank Underwood (spoiler alert, sorry), and the Germans on the Western Front. But from all of this emerged a beautiful, proud nation. A nation that celebrated its leaders.

Yes, Northwestern University Administration, I am talking about America. And yes, Northwestern University Administration, this nation – OUR nation – beat the odds. From those dark times emerged

Interpreting Northwestern’s Cold Weather Alert

This is a message from the Northwestern University emergency notification system.

“Sup hoes. We heard rumors that some of you might be having an excellent break, so we’re here to shit on your eyehole.”

Today is Friday, January 3, 2014. 

“IT’S FUCKING GAMEDAY, BITCHES. For Ohio State.”

Extreme cold temperatures are predicted for the Chicago metropolitan area for Monday, January 6, but Northwestern University is planning to be open that day.

A Mad-Lib of an Email from Northwestern’s Administration

Dear Northwestern community members:

This (holiday involving drinking and debauchery), as we plan celebrations and other holiday activities, I want to take a moment and share a few (plural nouns).  (Same holiday involving drinking and debauchery) often allows us to (verb) with friends and family while also contributing to the Northwestern and Evanston communities through (event you probably haven’t attended).

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Res College Power Rankings

Well camouflaged into the surrounding sorority habitat.

Residential Colleges at Northwestern are designed to enrich the intellectual, cultural, and social lives of their students by extending the learning environment from the classroom to extracurricular life. Essentially, a res college is a dorm filled with like-minded nerds and future friends you’ll spend the next couple of years drinking, arguing, and (for the truly venturous souls) hooking upwith.