What They Didn’t Teach Me In College (But I Learned Anyway)

I still haven’t learned how to throw these properly.

When I left for college four years ago, I (like most of you) imagined I would be immersed in an environment full of intellects on their journey to better themselves by furthering their education.

I was wrong.

I soon learned that going to college is really just a lot of procrastinating on the Internet and complaining about classes crammed between drunken weekends. And it was between two especially drunken weekends in the fall of my freshman year that I learned my first lesson: There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and many of them will be more successful than you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

5 Quotes From the Pokémon Movie that Cain Probably Considered Using

Cain used "Grope." It's super effective

Last week, Republican presidential candidate and horny bastard Herman Cain announced the suspension of his campaign to a group of supporters (or as close to supporters as he gets) in his home state of Georgia. While the audience seemed strangely disappointed by this wondrous news, Cain managed a positive attitude. Quoting Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Cain asserted: “Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible. It’s never easy when there is so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference.” Oh, did I say the quote was from Uncle Tom’s Cabin? What I meant was THE FUCKING POKEMON MOVIE. AN ADULT. A GROWN MAN DID THIS. Needless to say, this obscure and utterly atrocious quote was not, in fact, super effective. Maybe if Ash Ketchum were running for Mayor of Assclownville, a Pokémon quote would be appropriate, but in the American presidential primaries, it seems quite out of place. Yet, it does the beg questions: Which other quotes from Pokemon movies was Cain tempted to use?

5. “So this is my power…but what is my purpose?”
4. “I guess you’ll learn that playing with the big boys can be a shock in experience.”
3. “We’ve hit rock bottom!”
2. “Do you think I will have a bigger role in the next movie?”
1. “Listen to me kid, when you get involved with the opposite sex, you’re only asking for trouble.”