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Tag Archives: affirmative action

White People: No Longer Cool Enough? The Real Story Behind Affirmative Action

18 Oct

Graphical representation of typical college demographics

The University of Texas at Austin is cracking down on an important issue plaguing colleges worldwide — too many white people.

Desperate measures are being put into place to ensure the university maintains a critical concentration of African American and Hispanic students. “It’s not that I don’t like white people,” said president William Powers. “It’s really more of a cultural thing. See, black people bring with them a rich history of African culture, and rap music too. Spanish people have freakin tacos and, I don’t know, sombreros I guess. What do white people have to contribute? Boy bands? Honey Boo-Boo? That’s not what this school wants to represent.”

White — no longer right?

UT’s affirmative action policy makes white students less likely to be accepted in some situations. But it’s not just white students who are being affected by the diversity crusade. Black students who aren’t deemed black enough are also at risk of being rejected without proper evaluation.

“When I came in for the interview, I was determined to make a good impression,” said Clarence Jones, an African-American teenager from a wealthy community near Seattle. “I wore my best slacks and my best dress shirt, and I entered the room with a lot of confidence.”

Clarence recalls the look of confusion from the interviewer who extended his hand to greet him. “He rubbed my hand in a weird way like he was trying to do some kind of special handshake. Then he turned flush red and nervously offered me some fried chicken he had laying out on a plate for some reason. When I said I was vegan, the entire panel immediately shook their heads and furiously scribbled some notes down.”

There was no end to the exasperation Clarence experienced during the interview. “I tried to talk about my fascination with French literature and my passion for classical violin. They just kept asking me if I had heard the latest Kanye album and how things were in my ‘hood’. I live in a gated community — is that a ‘hood’? I just don’t know anymore.”

Picture taken at the conclusion of a successful interview

A representative from the panel explained their decision: “He was well-educated, articulate, professional — you know, it just didn’t feel like he was connected to black culture enough. That’s why we had to reject him.”

According to Clarence, the peak of frustration was hearing the interviewer apologize for “that whole slavery thing” when he was on his way out the door.

Campus changes to reflect diversity

The University of Texas at Austin’s campus director has detailed several drastic changes the campus will be undergoing soon. These changes are aimed towards attracting minorities and promoting diversity.

The on-campus food stores will be removed and replaced with a KFC and a Taco Bell, “for our black– oops! African-American and Mexican-American friends.”  The landmark Mustangs statue will be replaced with a statue of Hugo Chavez. “It was at a garage sale for cheap, and he’s Cuban or something, so it works.” The bookstore will transform into a one-stop shop for cigarettes, drug paraphernalia, and firearms. “We want to welcome these oppressed, ethnic people with open arms and create an environment that reflects the culture they come from,” explained the campus director, wearing a traditional Zimbabwean robe.

“Some people claim the only way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race,” says the UT campus director. “I tell those people- that’s a logical fallacy, you know. I don’t know if it is or not, but it usually shuts them up.”

The university has taken other steps to appear diverse, which is unnerving for students like sophomore Jessica Brown.

“I was walking home from class one day when I suddenly froze in my tracks and felt my heart skip a beat. I was face to face with a- a Hispanic! I’d never dealt with this kind of situation, so I stood still, avoided eye contact and held up the universal peace sign with my hand. It was only after several minutes of trembling in fear did I realize it was just a cardboard cutout. Can you imagine my relief!”

Example of a diversity-promoting cutout

Cutouts and even mannequins resembling typical minority groups have been placed around campus to create an image of diversity, complete with ill-fitting clothes and ethnic headgear such as sombreros and flat-brimmed caps with the sticker still on.

W. Powers: pioneer in equality or racist?

President Powers staunchly denies any element of racism in his unfair treatment of white students and ignorance towards minorities’ culture. “Again, this isn’t a race issue. I have a lot of friends who are white, and I think they’re fun to hang out with. But when it comes down to a student body, you need diversity, and white people are, quite frankly, out of style. Listen, we live in a country with a President who is black and a minority — what? He’s only half-black? Does that even count? Whatever, you get my point.”

When asked about his opinion on accepting gay and lesbian students, Powers laughed and replied, “Come on, now. We have a reputation to keep.”

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The Official Sherman Ave Drinking Decathlon!

20 Mar

Laurel wreaths optional.

Teams
There will be two teams. Teams may consist of between 1 to 4 people.

Playlist
There shall be a playlist composed specifically for the purpose of this game. It must include no less than eight (8) songs by Adele, five (5) songs by Rihanna, three (3) Outkast singles, and at least seven (7) songs that topped the charts before the last U.S. military intervention in Latin America.

Game Pieces

  • Copious amounts of alcohol (at least one (1) case of shitty beer, at least one (1) handle of shitty alcohol) and necessary mixers
  • One (1) Sorry! game set
  • One (1) Battleship game set
  • One (1) puzzle of 100 piece puzzle
  • One (1) deck of cards
  • One (1) box of AP United States History flashcards
  • One (1) beer pong table with sufficient cups/balls
  • One (1) golf ball
  • One (1) three (3) iron golf club

PROCEDURE

Opening Ceremonies
Each team will be randomly assigned a country well beforehand. The team must don the colors and/or flag of that nation, obnoxiously blast that nation’s national anthem, and list their nation’s grievances against the United States in chronological order and/or list the top ten STDs contracted by their nation’s citizens, in decreasing order of prevalence. The game shall begin with a ceremonial shot of said shitty alcohol, taken by each player. The shot must go unchased. Each team also has the opportunity to parade its team flag, if they are unreasonably heinous enough to design one.

THE GAMES

1. Bubble Spinner
A pitcher of mixed drink must be made and poured into a shot glass for each player partaking. Each team will nominate one player to serve as its Bubble Spinner delegate. The two opposing delegates will engage in a match of Bubble Spinner. Each time a player advances a level, each player of the opposing team must drink a shot of the aforementioned mixed drink. When a team loses, each player on said team must drink a shot of the mixed drink. The winning team will be awarded ten (10) points.

2. Sorry!
Each player will pour themselves a cup of mixed drink. Each team will control one (1) team on the Sorry! board. Players must take one drink whenever:

  • The opposing team takes a game-piece home
  • Following the Greek tradition of mental and physical excellence (nudity optional)

  • There is a “Sorry!” card played (everyone drinks)
  • A “power-slide” is implemented (everyone drinks)
  • A member of the team says the word “Sorry” (offending team drinks)
  • A seven is played (the player who played the seven gets to dole out seven drinks)

After the game has been won, everyone on the losing team must drink. The winning team will be awarded ten (10) points.

3. AP US History
Each player will be paired up with a player on the opposite team. Each player will quiz the player on the other team with fifteen (15) cards. The player must drink each time he/she misses a question. After all is done, the teams will tally the aggregate number of questions missed, and the team with fewer questions missed wins. If there is a tie, the game must be played again, in its entirety, until the tie is settled. The losing team must all drink, and the winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each question by which they’ve beat the opponent.

4. Battleship
Each team will take a side in Battleship. For each miss, one person on the missing team must drink (this person may, and should, change throughout the game). For each hit, one person on the hit team must drink (same goes). At the end of the game, everyone on the losing team must drink. The winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each grid-space by which they’ve beat the opponent.

5. Sporcle
Each player will be paired up with a player on the opposite team. Each opposing pair will randomly select a Sporcle quiz. The losing team of each quiz will have to distribute drinks however they choose among their team; one drink for each point by which they’ve been defeated. After all player pairs have gone, the team with the most aggregate points will win. The losing team drinks, the winning team will be awarded fifteen (15) points for each Sporcle quiz won.

HALFTIME
Each player must shotgun a beer. If a player abstains from shotgunning, his/her team will be penalized ten (10) points.

Uncle Sam wants you!

6. Beer Pong
Two players from each team will nominated as delegates to play a game of beer pong. The team that wins said beer pong game will be awarded twenty (20) points, and will also be awarded an additional five (5) points for each cup remaining on their side at the end of the game. Celeb shots shall be limited to two per team, and only players who can quote a full minute of Mean Girls shall be eligible to take a Celeb Shot. If the game results in overtime, the winning team only will be awarded twenty (20) points.

7. Flip Cup
The two teams will play a best of five (5) tournament of flip cup. The winning team will be awarded twenty (20) points. If a team wins in four (4) games, they will be awarded twenty-five (25) points, and if a team wins in three (3) games, they will be awarded thirty (30) points. Throughout the competition, the two teams must debate each other regarding one of four potential topics: partial-birth abortion, affirmative action, the causes and consequences of the Arab Spring, or the sexual capacity of President Morty Schapiro.

8. Facebook
Each team will nominate a delegate to compete in Facebook. Players will be awarded points for the following:

  • Poke five (5) friends from high school (five [5] points overall)
  • Comment “8==D” on two (2) statuses (five [5] points overall)
  • Challenge one (1) friend of Asian descent to a game of Words with Friends (five [5] points overall)
  • Post two (2) statuses, each quoting a song from Katy Perry or Adele in all caps (five [5] points overall)
  • Accept all friend requests that have been ignored thus far (one [1] point per friending)
  • Post four (4) pictures of the teammate winking onto the walls of any of their Facebook friends who are 40 years old or older (four [4] points overall)

9. Kings
All players must partake in one (1) game of Kings. Whichever teams breaks the circle will be penalized fifteen (15) points. Whichever team opens the beer can must go up to the roof and try to hit a Northwestern landmark with a golf ball using a three (3) iron. The team whose delegate successfully strikes the landmark will be awarded fifteen (15) points, but a failure to hit the landmark will result in a five (5) point deduction.

Bonus points for disappointing your parents

10. ACT Sample Test
A subject (Reading, Science, Math, or English) will be randomly selected. Each player will have to do one set/passage. A strict time limit must be adhered to (15 minutes each for English, 12 minutes each for Math, 10 minutes each for Reading, 5 minutes each for Science). After all players have completed their portion of the test, the scores will be totaled up, and the winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each question by which they’ve beat the opponent. A team that scores higher than the projected NU average score will be awarded two (2) points for each question they answer above the projected results, but a team that scores lower than the projected NU average score will be deducted one (1) point for each question they answer below the projected results.

CLOSING CEREMONIES
At this point, the score must be totaled. The losing team will have a chance to come back and gain one hundred (100) points, if they can complete the 100-piece puzzle in the amount of time it takes the winning team to walk to BK, eat something (documentation required), and return. If the losing team completes the puzzle by the time the winning team returns, the losing team will be awarded one hundred (100) points.

If, somehow, the teams have equal points at the end of all ten events, each player must take one shot after toasting “All men are created equal.” All players will then proceed to skinny dip in Lake Michigan.

Ross Packingham (with Evander Jones)