Tag Archives: Africa

5 African Warlords Who Would Be Really Good at Running Nightclubs

1 Feb

Idi Amin

You can tell that guy is all about leisure, luxury, and popping bottles.

You can tell that guy is all about leisure, luxury, and popping bottles.

Nicknamed “The Butcher” after leading a 1971 military coup in Uganda resulting in the deaths of millions of people, Idi exemplifies what it means to take charge and get the job done. The bar needs to be restocked? Idi’s got it. Rowdy guests? Don’t worry, Idi’s army can handle it. Need to reclaim parts of Kenya and Sudan to build that outdoor pool-strip club hybrid? Idi is your man. The warlord ended up deposed and exiled to Saudi Arabia, the world’s party capital, ensuring that “Brodi” could continue using his ruthless genocidal tendencies to make sure that only the coolest people are left in the club. Continue reading

7 Steps to Studying Abroad

21 Apr

DAT ASS THO

Study Abroad has been the absolute thing to do ever since Hillary Duff took her talents to Italy in The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Dudes, when that movie first came out you were what, like 9 years old, right? Well now you’re in college, and you’re old enough to have a sexual encounter with Lizzie if you meet her abroad after all of these years of carefully planning your pick up line and follow-up high five.  Or if you’re a chick you’re old enough to have hopefully seen the movie Taken, so you’re balancing the upside of a hot European soccer dude with the downside of a  Romanian with a syringe. Anyway, you’ve got to experience culture and shit or whatever, so here’s the realest way to do study abroad: Continue reading

Badasses in History: Shaka Zulu

7 Oct

Abs freaking everywhere

Ah Shaka Zulu.

Really, when it comes to warlords of Sub-Saharan Africa, it doesn’t get much more badass than old Shaka. Though not affiliated with Waka Flocka Flame—as their similar sounding names might lead you to believe—the two men do share some key similarities, in that both opposed the killing of animals: Waka by posing nude for PETA, Shaka by advocating the wholesale slaughter of those tribes not willing to submit to his rule.

Known even today as a military genius, Shaka managed to expand his chiefdom from a tribe 1,500 strong into an Empire spanning more than two million square miles and containing 250,000 subjects—or in modern parlance, the size of two Costcos and a Wall-mart.

Born with spear in hand (literally; it was a very very difficult pregnancy, let me tell you), Shaka essentially rebuilt the Zulu culture from the ground-up, transforming it into a militaristic war-machine by introducing the “iklwa,” (a short spear, named for the sound it made entering and exiting a foe’s body) the “assegai,” (a throwing spear; you figure this one out) and the spiked shield to his men. More importantly, Shaka also divided his warriors into smaller regiments, and required all his fighters to learn and understand complicated tactics (supplanting the previous “Run-forward-quickly-and-yell-loudly-stabstabstab” system used by his predecessors). In time, his men grew so fit that they could run up to 50 miles in a day. By comparison, most modern Americans can’t run to and from their fridge.[1]

Unsurprisingly, Shaka bitchslapped any rival tribes, giving the losers two choices: join Shaka and renounce their tribal loyalty, or live out the remainder of their lives in peace.

Oops. Homophones and whatnot. I meant pieces (Generally, this meant “the remainder” was in the ballpark of, oh, let’s say twenty seconds?).

As you can imagine, the second option was quite a bit less popular than the first, and as a result, Shaka is one of the lucky few to have finished a war with more people than he started it with, and is widely regarded as having controlled the most powerful and wide-reaching African empire since Ancient Egypt.[3]

Speaking of the British (read the footnotes, dick), Shaka managed to restrain his homicidal rage long enough to establish peaceful contact (damn, I was hoping for piece-full) and a few trade routes with the old limeys. That said, Shaka was generally more of the kill-first-who-cares-about-questions-anyway type, most notably after the death of his mother. When that happened, Kojak, I mean, Shaka, ordered a three-month period of mourning for all the Zulu people, in which no one was allowed to eat anything (which, you know, you need to do to like, live). Still not satisfied, Shaka went and murdered some cows so that the calves would know what it was like to lose a mother[4], and rounded his grief off by executing 7,000 people who “didn’t look sad enough.”

With no heads, they definitely looked sadder.

Anyhow, Shaka died in 1828, when his crotch-monkey half-brothers bro-ssassinated him with knives. He’s still remembered even today though as a definite badass.

Kind of a jerk though, right?


[1] You try running carrying a bowl of mash potatoes, two chickens, and one surprisingly unintelligent dog[2]

2 In that he is trying to eat the bowl rather than the potatoes

3 That English and French colonialism crap doesn’t count. If you don’t have a mountain of skulls, you’re not a warlord. Simple as can be.

4 Modern society’s got him beat on this one. Slaughterhouses, yo.

Sherman Ave Goes Global!

26 Apr
Much like imperialist Europe in the early 20th century, the colored places are the ones we've conquered

We would like to cordially invite Greenland to suck the fattest dick on the planet.

This is a map of Sherman Ave’s global reach. The countries that are filled in with color have viewed Sherman Ave at least once (obviously, it is the country as a whole viewing it together as part of a ceremony, and not one single person arbitrarily browsing the Internet for fucksaw videos). The color-coding isn’t especially relevant to viewership; it represents the general greatness of the country, judged on the traditional scale of 1 to 32,524.

As part of a marketing effort, we’re making attempts to analyze these global trends of viewership to figure out how we can broaden our appeal, and in all our gratitude and kindness, we’ve decided to show our strategies to you, our dickholders shareholders (remember the other night, when you had one too many and bought $50,000 worth of stock in a blog that doesn’t yet run its own advertisements?).

Let’s start with North America. We’re clearly getting a considerable amount of views from Canada, United States, and Mexico. This is probably due largely to a few shady deals we made in the 1990s when NAFTA was being drafted, shortly after Al Gore invented the Internet.

Even in Central America, some of the rural fruit farmers have found their way onto our joyous blog.* Yes, it may have something to do with the fact that we’ve been actively trading arms to the Sandinistas over the last few years to cover Sherman Ave’s fixed production costs (Miller High Life and Flaming Hot Cheetos), but we also like to think that we’ve managed to score some views in Costa Rica by casually ranting about how much we hate their country.

One of our Brazilian readers, vicariously feeling our sadness at the revocation of The Keg's liquor license

In South America, you may notice that all countries have some level of viewership of Sherman Ave. I know, you might be thinking, “What about French Guiana, Suriname, and Guyana?” In response: Those piece-of-shit countries are not real countries. French Guiana is a territory of France (If the UN Security Council was the Jackson 5, France would be Tito), Suriname’s primary language is Dutch (apparently Dutch is a language?), and Guyana is known best for mass suicide. Although we didn’t get a high quantity of views from countries like Argentina and Brazil, we feel safe in assuming that the views we did came from hot Brazilian models, the Argentinian soccer team, and the corpse of Eva Peron.

Moving onto Europe, you’ll see that we have almost absolute viewership in Europe. This is quite a shocking insight for us; we didn’t realize our writing style crafted such a strong appeal to metrosexual chain-smokers who do nothing but listen to house music and get bailed out by the United States in world wars. Strangely, though, it does seem that there is a small void in Moldova, where the few Internet users are presumably brainstorming ways to make their country relevant and/or dying in abject poverty.

Asia provides arguably the most surprising statistics. Judging from the fact that a) we’ve had no viewers in Yemen or Oman, and b) we’ve gone 1 for 7 with countries ending in “-stan,” our sweeping campaign to appeal to Muslim Internet users has failed unequivocally. We hope to remedy this by expanding our content to be more culturally friendly; in the future, expect continuations of current article series, such as “Point/Counterpoint: Qu’ran vs. Koran,” “Freshman Guide: Finding A Mosque in Evanston,” and “An Open Letter Non-apology to American Automobile Owners.”

Our efforts in Africa, on the other hand, appear to have been successful beyond our wildest dreams. As you can see, we’ve gotten views from every Internet user on the continent.**

No luck with Papua New Guinea, though. We’re discussing the launch of a subsidiary blog called “Pygmy Ave.”

 

*“Rural Fruit Farmer” is incidentally the name of Clay Aiken’s next album.
**We’re assuming the penguins from the movie “Madagascar” haven’t yet figured out how to use the Internet.

Hate a Random Country: São Tomé and Príncipe

31 Aug

NASCAR hasn't quite caught on here yet

It is widely understood that island nations are the gingers of the international community. Under that model, the pitiful African state known as São Tomé and Príncipe is the global equivalent of Molly Weasley. Boasting a population slightly smaller than that of Boise, São Tomé and Príncipe, (henceforth to be referred to as STP, so I don’t have to type all of those goddamn accents) is a volcanic island chain off the coast of the prosperous, stable nation of Gabon. The country is technically a “Democratic Republic,” but it’s safe to presume that whoever told them they were a democratic republic is the same person who told Dr. Dre he was a doctor. However, since the atrophied remainder of my moral fiber prevents me from scrutinizing a country for its legitimate poverty and instability, I’ll just stick with my tried-and-true routine of scrutinizing a country for its culture and heritage.

Even a high James Franco could design a better flag than this.

We’ll start with the national flag. The predominant colors on the flag are yellow, green, and red; a ground-breakingly creative move on the part of STP. The only other West African countries with those colors are Ghana, Togo, Benin, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Mali, Senegal, Cameroon, and Burkina Faso. And you thought those nights of drunken Sporcle wouldn’t amount to anything. To add to the cliché color scheme of the flag, note that the flag displays a whopping two stars. First of all, since everyone’s thinking it: by default, the United States is 25 times better than this lamentable excuse for a country. Really, though, two stars? In the context of constellations, two stars can get you the left half of a belt or about one-third of a fucking spoon. In the context of kindergarten, the kids who wound up twenty years later with meth labs in their basement had no trouble getting a pair of stars on a spelling test. Even the hardly-picturesque Chicago night sky shines with more than two stars. Skeptics may conjure up horseshit excuses like “They represent the two islands that make up the nation,” but at the end of the day, the two stars are about as pathetic as Oprah Winfrey standing next to Pippa Middleton.

It's kind of tough when your soccer pitch is a fucking sandlot

As if the national banner didn’t shed enough light on the nation’s inherent rancidness, a little Wikipedia page called “São Tomé and Príncipe national football team”offers some more material. One fascinating table on this page revealed STP’s World Cup record; the words “Did Not Qualify” appeared so many times, you’d think Rosie O’Donnell was trying to run in the Boston Marathon. On several occasions, they even failed to qualify for the African Nations’ Cup – essentially, they got a rejection letter from a community college. Even more laughable are STP’s record games; in 1976, STP suffered an 11-0 loss at the hands of The Congo. That’s almost as bad as losing a night game to Purdue. On the bright side, there are two games tied for STP’s biggest win: the 2-0 decimation of Equatorial Guinea in 1999 and the 2-0 rout of Sierra Leone in 2000. However, after the magnificent 1999-2000 season, the glory days of two goals in one game became nothing but a fond memory amidst a sea of pimp-slaps from various Western African republics. STP’s next match is against the Republic of the Congo (yet another rival yellow-green-red flagged country) in November 2011 – who knows? Perhaps they’ll break a national record and win by more than 2 goals. But more likely, they’ll be curb-stomped into submission by the country that inspired “Heart of Darkness.”

This country is almost as disappointing as The Matrix Revolutions

It goes without saying that STP is a steaming cocksicle of a nation. Yes, it’s tropical and shit, but so is Brazil, and we all know how atrocious that place is. Any nation that prides itself on the number of stars that Ebert and Roeper would instinctively give a movie with Keanu Reeves, has never won a soccer game by three or more goals, and is located on a fucking island can count of being devoid of my adoration. So join the ranks, São Tomé and Príncipe – Uruguay, New Zealand, and dozens of other horrendous countries will welcome your unabashed taintitude with open arms.

NATO Sends in Morty to Capture Qaddafi

27 Aug

Able to kill a man with just the touch of his beard

In an effort to solidify rebel control over Libya, NATO leaders announced early this morning that they would send Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro into the volatile African nation in an effort to capture Colonel Muammar el-Qaddafi.

Although Dr. Schapiro was not available to comment due to a rumored chess-boxing match against Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, NATO officials expressed their confidence that the grizzled superhero of Evanston could bring the Libyan dictator to justice.

Admiral Giampaolo Di Paola, Chairman of the NATO Military Committee, praised Morty Schapiro — who can name all 31 alternate spellings of the Colonel’s name in 23 seconds — as, “The greatest hope for the Libyan rebellion since the beginning of NATO involvement. At first we considered hunting down Qaddafi with NATO intelligence, reconnaissance assets, and air power, but then we were like

‘Ah, fuck it. Why spend billions of dollars trying to find one measly psychopathic tyrant in the godforsaken desert when we could just send in the single most feared and respected man in the planet to get the job done?”

Military experts around the world have voiced their support for calling in the greatest tactical weapon the United States has possessed since the development of nuclear weapons.

Upon hearing the news, Colonel Qaddafi peed himself. Twice.

“Once Morty’s combat boots hit the ground in Libya, I’d give Qaddafi about 20 minutes until he meets his demise at the sturdy hands of Northwestern’s fierce commander,” said United States Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, adding, “President Obama and I also have complete faith that Morty will be able to consolidate rebel control over the rest of Libya, set up a stable transitional government in Tripoli, bring freedom of speech to China, improve the American credit rating to an AAAAAAAAAAA+++++++++++ rating, and seduce the entire U.S. Women’s national soccer team before returning home Sunday evening to prepare for the coming school year.”

The NATO announcement also served as a significant morale boost for rebel troops. “Aw HELLZ YEAH!” proclaimed rebel leader Mahmoud Jabril. “We have heard of this man’s deeds all the way in Benghazi. Is it really true that he once arranged a packet full of M&Ms in alphabetical order?”

This will not be the first time that Morty has been deployed to bring peace and justice to the world. Previous missions involving the rugged university President include commanding the SEAL Team Six unit that launched a successful raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, invading the island nation of Grenada in 1983 with nothing but his smile and a corkscrew, and the infamous 1978 University of Pennsylvania panty raid.