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Tag Archives: alcoholism

It’s Not Alcoholism until You Graduate, According to Twelfth-Year Senior

3 Apr
stock-footage-young-man-drinking-beer

(via Shutterstock)

According to a new research study conducted over the past twelve years by super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super senior Dave Eaton, 34, any sort of behavior that might otherwise constitute alcohol abuse in virtually any other circumstance “totally doesn’t count in college, dude.” Whether it’s tailgating a football game at 10 a.m. with shots of Jack or sneaking sips of absinthe out of a hidden flask to alleviate the shaky hands and nausea brought on by alcohol withdrawals, Eaton claims this behavior “is just what you do in college, you know?”

Eaton, who has failed all of his classes as well as multiple sobriety tests over the past 14 years, did not find any correlation between his poor academic performance and his drinking habits. “Sometimes you’re a little too hungover to make it to your 2 p.m. class, it happens” said Eaton. “And sometimes that happens for, like, 14 years in a row. It’s whatever.” When questioned further, Eaton explicated, “You know, GPA doesn’t really matter. College is just the best two decades of your life.”

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Championship Round | Sherman Ave Presents: Best Winter Quarter Distros 2014

18 Nov

Screen Shot 2013-11-15 at 8.57.25 AM

After four grueling rounds, here we are. It’s been a long and hard road for Modern Cosmology and Psych Stats, who both faced a process more strenuous and harrowing than registering for classes on CAESAR to reach the Championship Round in the first annual Best Winter Quarter Distro Bracket Challenge, sponsored by Klondike®! 32 courses entered, but only one can be crowned as the best embodiment of all the qualities that should comprise a distro: Easy, interesting, and compatible with the side-effects of early-onset collegiate alcoholism and/or nihilism.

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5 Reasons You Should Do DM

24 Oct

It’s pretty damn hard to walk around campus anymore without being attacked by an army of bright eyed students yelling at me telling me to do DM.

Oh, if only they knew.

Of course I’ll do DM.  DM is an important part of student life.  I might even dare to say it’s one of the best things that we do here at Northwestern.  But when I say DM, I’m not referring to the DM with dancing.  Real DM.  Drunk Marathon.  Ten glorious three hour blocks of being drunk, one right after the other, each themed with a different type of alcohol or aspect of drunkenness.  30 hours out of normal everyday life turned into a vivacious, glorious, shitshow.  So why should you do DM?  Well, even though it’s kind of dangerous,[i] there are still plenty of reasons to do it.  Here are a few of them.

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The Theater World’s Best Drinking Games

18 Oct

Theater majors love to party. We all know that. I don’t know if you have been to a theater party (nor would I remember if you have), but there are some pretty insane drinking games that they play. Accordingly, we will now give you a break from our normally scheduled heinousness to share some of the more interesting drinking games of the theater world. Continue reading

The 25 (non-Football) Sports Wildcats Do Best

6 Oct

It’s okay, guys. We have other talents! Like these 25 sports, for example:

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Who to follow/like on Twitter/Facebook

1 Mar

This kid likes Sherman Ave. And somebody called Kate Upton.

Let’s assume, for a second, that you’re heinous. I know, I know: You? You’d never be heinous! Heinous is a bad thing! Like classes that don’t allow laptops or the fact that Tim Pawlenty was so drastically overlooked in the rational-fest that is the GOP primary! But based on the fact that you’re reading this honorable website, I’m gonna say you might be heinous.

And, if you’re as heinous as I imagine, then you may be thinking to yourself, “Ugh I totes feel like I don’t rully follow enough awesome people on social media!” Have no fear: Sir T-Worth is here to ruin the Internet with a nice little list of the best accounts to like or follow on Facebook or Twitter.

Sherman Ave
Why the hell haven’t you liked and followed us yet? We’re fucking hilarious. Do it now.

Your Friend From High School (@FriendFromHS)
This is probably the best parody account on the internet. Seamlessly weaving heinousness, ignorance, terrific spelling, unthinkable abbreves, plotlines and alcoholism into 140 character tidbits, FriendFromHS captures the essence of every townie. You’ll be treated (or tweeted!!! GET IT?!!?) to such joys as “WHY DOES EVER BARTENDA OR HIGH SCHOOL COACH I SLEEP WIT HAVE A WIFE?!?! uggggh #happyvd” and get to know her newly born twins, Caylee and JonBenet. This is potentially our pinnacle as a species.

Not Buster Olney (@Tripping_Olney)
If you love sports or comedy or ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney, look no further. TrippingOlney is the one account that successfully takes a sober, vanilla sports reporter and accurately puts him on LSD. Tweets like “WHY’D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? TO AVOID BEING SIGNED BY THE METS” provide a welcome respite from all the other incredibly serious accounts on this list. And you know it’s funny because he tweets in ALL CAPS.

Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden)
Sweet sultry seamstress of sexual synergy! America’s favorite underage future-sex-tape-star has never been one to hold back, be it in her choice of husband, affinity for flirting with pumpkins, or on Twitter. Stodden, who rose to fame for her, um, “mature” looks and marriage to former LOST star and 51-year-old Doug Hutchison at the age of 16, uses Twitter as her personal release for all that lusty, lusty lust she has pent up. She also uses an unthinkable amount of alliteration. Which is cool. But guys, she’s 17. Is this whole situation legal?

Did you seriously just tweet about how you became the mayor of the Norris Crepe Station?

Jed Bartlet(@Pres_Bartlet)
If you’re a West Wing fan, this is 2 e-z. But even if you’re not it’s well worth your time to follow the “fictional” president from the show. Bartlet’s tweets have the ability to appear as snappy 140-character one-liners, yet often make a valid point in a witty, concise way. The account’s creators stay true to the show’s character and stick both to his politics and style. But be warned: Bartlet was a Democrat (and perhaps the greatest president we’ve ever had) and his tweets follow suit. Santorum-huggers may want to stay away.

Facebook
OMG like it on Facebook, it’s so meta! Meta on meta on meta. Everything’s meta, I love being meta. I have no idea what meta means.

Newt Gingrich Ideas (@GingrichIdeas)
Newt Gingrich loves thinking of stuff. He loves thinking of himself as President, he loves thinking of divorcing his wife for a younger version, he loves thinking of the moon, and he loves thinking of ideas. This account has a direct link to Newt’s brain and such brilliant ideas as “Kittens.” or “Trick a Muslim into eating pork so I can steal his powers” or “Show up at the Grammys in a wig and accept all of Adele’s awards.” If we get enough people to follow this account, the Republican primary voters might remember he exists again!

George Takei
Guys he’s so funny. Like literally, who could have foreseen that Lt. Sulu would end up this balla? His Facebook page has seriously become my one-stop shop for all things random, funny, inappropriate, poignant, and in favor of marriage equality. He’s the definition of the old guy who knows how to use Facebook and he’s done a great job of establishing a personal relationship with his fans through caption contests and personal posts. We must reward this kind of behavior. Like him immediately.

Northwestern Girl (@NrthwesternGrl)
She just gets us. Northwestern Girl takes all of NU’s subtle habits, phrases, and tendencies and combines them into the epitome of an overachieving sorostitute who casually lives in Norris. Her knowledge of what makes NU students tick is at once enviable and horrifying, and tweets such as “We should totally do that. Let’s go during reading week!” and “When are you getting to Evanston slash when are we getting together???? FREAKING OUT” will leave you giggling alone in your room because you have no friends.

Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson)
Rainn Wilson’s Twitter picture is currently Jeremy Lin. That’s pretty all you need to know about this account. Wilson, who plays Dwight on the popular American version of the British smash hit comedy “The Office” airing Thursday nights on NBC even though Steve Carrell left, tackles comedy, politics, and everything weird on this account. Perhaps the best way to summarize Wilson’s eclectic Tweeting style is through this one: “They keep switching T-Mobile girls & thinking we won’t notice. Like Bewitched.”

Jenna Marbles (@Jenna_Marbles)
She’s taught us how to do The Face. She’s filled us in on how to trick people into thinking you’re good looking. She let us know what the ladiez do in the car. But now, everyone’s favorite YouTube

It's no Dmitri, but it'll get the job done.

comedian/likely stripper is dispensing her knowledge on the Twitters. Marbles fills her page with tidbits of heinous to keep us informed on how to like the white girl trash lifestyle 24/7. Anecdotes like “I just did the walk of shame from my living room to my bedroom” and “Couple of shots of tequila deep. Anyone else? Just me? Cool. *cries about life*” let you know that she’s the real deal, too.

Burnett’s (@_Burnetts)
This parody account highlights the lowlights of consuming perhaps the fifth worst vodka known to man. Tweets range from follower-submitted Burnett’s horror stories to polite encouragement that comes in handy when you’re reconsidering your life choices. Usually hilarious, _Burnett’s lets us remember that there are other heinouses out there in the world, if only you know where to look. One note of caution: sometimes this shit is too real.

Hate A Random Region: The Caribbean

28 Feb

I know what you’re thinking.  “Aren’t you only supposed to violently scrutinize one country, not an entire region of the globe?”  So before I embark on my xenophobic hate journey, allow me to succinctly answer your question: No.

Now, without further ado, let’s get this slander ball rolling.  In rather uncharacteristic fashion, I have organized this rant into an enumerated series of grievances against that pathetic excuse of a geographic region known as the Caribbean Sea.

The Gulf Coast is also great for tourism, assuming you want to light yourself on fire while scuba diving

Grievance 1: The Gulf of Mexico

Remember that scene in the Lion King in which Mufasa explains to Simba that everything the light touches is his kingdom?*  Well, the same goes for The Gulf of Mexico, it’s just different in that everything it touches is unbelievably heinous.  Allow me to elaborate on this disgusting area that kind of qualifies as the Caribbean Sea.

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10 Events in World History That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed

2 Feb

There was once a time when history was regarded with reverence and esteem. Then the History Channel aired “Ice Road Truckers,” and since then, it has been hard for anyone to take history seriously. That being said, we still view history as an important part of our heritage that must be studied and understood. And by “studied and understood,” we of course mean “examined to establish which historical events would be funniest if all parties involved were shitfaced.” Here at Sherman Ave, history and drinking go together like, well, Mohawk rum and CVS-brand soda. Thus, we proudly present to you the 10 events in world history that totally should have been pregamed.

And you thought Northwestern students' Halloween costumes were offensive

10. The Travels of Marco Polo
As anybody who ever made the excruciating journey from the Keg to the mystical and foreign land of Burger King can attest, drunk adventures just tend to be more interesting than sober travels. Just imagine if Marco Polo had downed two bottles of wine before setting out from Venice! The young guido would probably embark on a series of raucous adventures throughout his travels, recording everything from his first encounters with Asian fusion cuisine in the land of Joy Yee to an ill-fated attempt to skinny dip in the Arabian Sea in an incomprehensibly ungrammatical text message sent to his roommate at three in the morning. The next day, Marco Polo would be way too hungover to feel dismayed by the revelation that, after being carried like three miles by his friends to the Yuan court, Polo used the sacred oil from Jerusalem entrusted to him by Gregory X to introduce the Mongolian Empire to waffle fries before promptly vomiting on Kublai Khan’s lap.

9. The Storming of the Bastille
On July 14, 1789, a bunch of disgruntled poor French people massed upon the Bastille, a large prison known for holding political prisoners. If you think about it, there are only three explanations for masses of people converging on a public place — they’re angry, they’re drunk, or they’re in the Jai Ho music video. Regrettably, seeing as the French were mostly angry in this scenario; they really should have been drunk. Simply compare the nature of angry public gatherings and drunken public gatherings. Angry public gatherings include Occupy Wall Street, Tiananmen Square, and Nazi book burnings. Drunken public gatherings include Snoop Dogg concerts, St. Patrick’s Day, and the celebration of Osama bin Laden’s death. You decide which you find preferable. Besides, A Tale of Two Cities would just be so much more interesting if Madame Lafarge was vomiting uncontrollably in every scene.

8. The Defenestration of Prague
Like anybody needs much provocation to drink in order to escape the infernal bleakness of Eastern Europe. But I usually do need to be at least a couple of shots of absinthe deep before I defend my religious freedom by shoving Catholics out of a third floor window into a pit of manure. Not to mention, a good pregame would have added a whole other layer to the term “getting shit-faced.”

Foam is beer!

7. The Crusades
Which Crusades? ALL OF THEM. ALL OF THE CRUSADES SHOULD HAVE BEEN PREGAMED. Okay, it’s like a road trip, but you can be as sloshy-slosh as you want, because you don’t have to worry about getting a DUI (unless the Holy Roman Empire stringently enforced horse-riding sobriety). Besides, there is no better instigator of belligerent shenanigans than Pope Urban II’s famous declaration, “God wills it!” That’s just asking to be misinterpreted for fratty purposes. Fifteen shots in an hour? God wills it! Eight consecutive kegstands? God wills it! Seriously, if someone walked up to me tomorrow and said “Hey, God wants us to get incredibly blitzed and then go ride a horse from Rome to Jerusalem,” I would instantly buy the necessary supplies. Then I’d probably proceed to buy a bible, to double-check the whole divine mandate thing.

6. Marx Writes the Communist Manifesto
Alcoholism becomes much easier when it’s supported by a good old-fashioned dialectical materialist ideology. A tipsy Marx after an unlucky game of Drunkopoly would undoubtedly replace his theories of Das Kapital with Das Boot, the class struggle with the timeless struggle for consciousness, and the stateless society the ideal of a pants-less society. His manuscript — hastily scrawled on the back of a cocktail napkin — would ignite rebels everywhere with its message, resulting in a series of idealistic revolutions calling for the redistribution of Miller High Life among the proletariat but rapidly degenerating into a dystopian shitshow of Adele lyrics in the gulag of Fran’s Cafe.

5. Hannibal Leading His Army Over the Alps
When I’m plastered, there are only two things I want: Guacamole and Elephants. I have some doubts about the guacamole rations in the Carthaginian army, but there were definitely some fucking elephants. They’re just so large! In that state of mind, it’s difficult to perceive objects larger than the distance between Burger King and 7/11. An elephant would just be mind-blowing. Furthermore, there are tons of fun activities to do in the Alps: skiing, snowboarding, sledding, making snow angels, having snowball fights with fellow Carthaginian soldiers, walking behind Hannibal and quietly muttering lines from “Silence of the Lambs,” etc. If someone just told me to march over an entire mountain range, I’d be pretty miffed, but if someone had me do a power hour and then said “Let’s go hiking!” I’d take the bait like a middle-aged housewife at Herman Cain’s mansion.

A thimblefull of tequila brings out her coquettish side

4. The Trial of Joan of Arc
Tensions might have ran high in the Rouen courtroom as the Maid of Orléans was tried for heresy, but that’s nothing a little Smirnoff chased by a slap can’t solve! If only the Bishop Cauchon had pregamed, the interrogation would have devolved from religious inquiry to a saucy game of “Never Have I Ever,” with questions mostly pertaining to Joan’s fantasies about the Dauphin and her penchant for cross-dressing. Joan of Arc will then famously proceed to declare to the courtroom, “I do not think I am in mortal sin, and if I am, it is for God and the priest in confession to know that I used the pages of Ezekial 23: 19-20 to roll the biggest joint Charles VII ever saw!” The trial would inevitably end with the pronouncement that the patron saint of France was “one righteous motherfucker” before burning her at the stake and cooking escargot over her smoldering ashes.

3. The Arrival of Cortez in Mexico
I’ll be the first to admit: When I’ve have too much to drink, I’m very friendly. Best friends are inundated with hugs, acquaintances are equally inundated with hugs, and the quiet Korean girl from my Econ discussion probably sustains a fairly serious spinal injury from the amount and magnitude of the hugs with which she is inundated. But even in all of my drunken affection, I very rarely greet a stranger and jump to the conclusion that they are the god Quetzalcoatl. There was that one time, but she had a very oddly proportioned face, and I couldn’t come up with any other explanation for it. Ultimately, Montezuma and his Aztec cronies should have heavily pregamed the arrival of Cortez, if for no other reason than to justify their absurd actions (just think if only Cortez had been entranced by the Aztec’s gold tequila rather than the golden buildings of Tenochtitlan). I’d have to be incredibly trashed to give a stranger the keys to the capital city of my civilization, even though I was once trashed enough to lock the keys in the car at 2:30 in the morning after drunkenly transporting a couch through several blocks of downtown Evanston.

2. The Construction of Stonehenge
Seeing as its pretty easy to build Stonehenge in the opening of Civilization IV, I can only assume that the Druids were pretty far gone when they built one the most complex monuments of the Stone Age. I mean, you’d kind of have to be three sheets to the wind to agree to lug 25-ton rocks from a Welsh quarry to some testament for the enterprising spirit of man. Assuming the Druids were drunk on mead, there are few explanations remaining for the memorial. My guess is that they either built a fast-food restaurant catering to students’ late-night culinary needs, or else a bar with a lax ID policy and stripper poles on the dance floor.

Drink every time a Russian model looks like this by the time she hits her mid-thirties?

1. Russia
You may not have ever thought to pregame an entire nation, but it seems like the only appropriate thing to do. I’d really like to isolate a single event in Russian history that needs to be pregamed more than the others, but that is simply a Sisyphean task. Conclusion: Nothing in or relating to Russia should ever involve sobriety. Therefore, instead of painstakingly listing every event in Russian history, I present to you: “History of Russia: The Drinking Game!”
• Drink every time Russia is invaded in the winter against the invader’s better judgment
• Drink every time a prominent politician is sent to a gulag
• Drink every time Brezhnev’s eyebrows appear in an intricate nightmare of yours
• Drink every time Putin shares an uncomfortably intimate moment with a wild animal
• Drink every time Tolstoy and/or Dostoevsky makes you lose faith in everything, LITERALLY EVERYTHING
• Drink every time Tchaikovsky tries to suppress his latent homosexuality
• Drink every time a Russian leader tries to expand executive power
o Drink twice if it’s Putin
• Waterfall from 1917-1991

Ross Packingham and Evander Jones

Love a Random State: Ohio

24 Jan

I may be a tad bit biased, but Ohio is a pretty badass state. We fuck up pretty much every Presidential Election. We can’t make decisions on anything from street cars to abortion. We are some waffling motherfuckers, and I’m not talking about McGriddles. Besides being a political asshole, here are some other reasons you should bow down and worship my state of conception/birth/childhood.

The beautiful metropolis of Cleveland

1. Ohio is the 7th largest state by population.
Cincinnati is the 61st largest city in the nation by population.* Being mediocrely medium-sized takes all the pressure off being big. We may not have the hustle and bustle of New York or the flotsam and jetsam of Chicago, but we sure do have a lot of wide open spaces and corn. This makes for some great middle school field trips, like visiting an Amish farm and learning how to properly milk a cow or taking a spin on a tea-cup-death-trap-vomit-inducing ride while eating a stick of deep-fried butter at the local carnival.

2. Subpar athletics.
I may not be an expert when it comes to sports. I didn’t vehemently protest the NBA lockout, I do not worship Tebow born from the Virgin Mother, nor do I have any vague inkling as to what Royal Shrovetide Football is really all about. However, I do know one thing: If the Cincinnati Bengals were running in the Republican primaries, they would rank somewhere above Michelle Bachmann and somewhat below Stephen Colbert. They may suck at football and politics, but the Bengals have quite a record off the field. Since 2000, the team has a combined criminal record of 30 arrests, 8 DUIs, and 1 charge of “boating under the influence.”** I’m not really sure how this makes Ohio awesomely badass, but it does.

3. Larger than life Presidents.
We produced President William Howard Taft, the man who couldn’t fit in a normal bathtub. In fact, a bathtub fit for four men was installed in the White House just for him. I bet VP James Sherman had a pretty good time in there, seeing as he was a normal sized man. (That leaves room for three more people, for those of you who are still in Math 110).

O-hi-OH!!!!

4. Ohio is beautiful.
OK, maybe just Halle Berry is. Halle Berry was Miss Ohio 1986. At 19, Halle managed to lock down a state title and first runner-up for the Miss USA pageant. Pretty badass, Ms. Berry.

5. Badass motherfuckers in office.
Jerry Springer, host of The Jerry Springer Show, served on Cincinnati’s city council for three years, before resigning when Jerry’s favorite hang-out was revealed: a Kentucky “massage parlor.”*** But it only gets better: he paid his “masseuse” with a city check. It doesn’t get much classier than that. He was then elected the mayor of Cincinnati from 1977-1978. We obviously know how to choose effective leaders.

6. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.****
Need I say more?

7. Where art thou, Ohio?
There actually aren’t many NU students from Ohio. There should certainly be more Amish, chili-loving, politically frustrated, Midwesterners up in Northwestern’s business. However, this makes for some great feedback. Apparently, Californians have no fucking clue where Ohio is. My roommate thought it was near Iowa and her friend could swear she thought it was south of Illinois. I guess they don’t teach Geography in the Bay Area. As a loyal Ohioan and a college student with half my brain still intact despite raging alcoholism and mind numbing, drug-induced Sporcle competitions, I know exactly where Ohio is: right between New Mexico and Arizona. Right?

8. Home of Skyline Chili.
Although none of you Northside Prep trust-fund babies or LTHS fanboys have heard of Skyline, enlighten yourselves. Cincinnati’s definition of chili: chocolate (yes, chocolate) ground beef soup poured over spaghetti noodles and topped with neon yellow, synthesized, shredded cheddar cheese. Mouth-o-meter: fucking delicious.

9. Hipsterz.
Searching for the inner-sanctum of hipsterism? Look no further. Clifton, a small neighborhood on the outskirts of downtown Cincinnati, is a hub of culture and excitement. 98% of Clifton residents are Democrat, making us some badass, Obama loving hippies. 98% of us also love Indian food. Why? There are 7 locally owned Indian restaurants in Clifton. Step outside my house and take a good whiff of Saag Paneer and Chicken Curry. Yum. You can always find a homeless town troubadour belting out his love life with the aid of his trusty accordion. Besides musicians, we are also home to many other badass personalities, such as the mysterious bag man who, although he appears to be homeless, goes to the grocery store every day and picks up 3 lemons, a loaf of bread, and a bag of kitty litter. Meth lab, anyone? There is also the penguin man who yells at cars going over 25, the local business owners who all seem to be tangled in a Romeo and Juliet-esque love affair, and my personal favorite, the middle school drug dealers who hang out at the shelter in Burnet Woods after school. (Whoops, did I just blow your cover?)

Take a trip back in time

10. We have one of the largest Amish populations in the country.
Amish people are badass. Love the Amish, and eat their chicken; it’s free-range!

Needless to say, Ohio is a badass state. If this article has convinced you to pack up your Illinois life (or wherever the fuck you’re from) and move to Ohio, call my step dad. He’s a realtor.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Sporcle. Yeah, I did it. I used Sporcle as a source. Try to censor that, PIPA.
**NKY Sports World
***Massage parlor = brothel
****Twitter

Badasses in History: Winston Churchill

8 Sep

Rumor has it that Churchill fathered his successor to the throne of Badassery, Morty Schapiro

The study of history is, in many ways, the study of humanity. From kings and heroes to slaves and cowards, history provides us with an unrivaled view into the inner workings of the human mind.

But never has any historical figure kicked quite as much ass as Winston Churchill.

Let’s start off by investigating what the man had to work with. On the pros side, he was born the grandson of the seventh Duke of Marlborough. Aristocratic blood? Check. He was enrolled in the best schools. Education? Check. He was a brilliant politician. Acumen? Check. Oh, he also beat the Nazis. Awesomeness? Check.

Now for the cons. That school he was in? He hated it and got bad grades. Good GPA? Not check. He was fat…and rude…and a bit of a drunk. Winning personality? Not check. At the time of his political achievements, he faced a weak parliament and a weaker aristocracy. Strong support system for confronting foreign difficulties and interacting with the power-hungry, vicious Nazis? Not check.

The man was born with five-pound jowls

So to recap: Winston Churchill was born rich, but balked at any attempts to civilize him beyond what was required to find and light cigars, and—who could forget?— jimmy open the liquor cabinet. He then went off to the Royal Military College where he had the option of enrolling in either the cavalry or the infantry. He chose the cavalry. Why? Because it had a lower grade requirement and he hated math. Here was a man who had his priorities straight.

At that point, his father asked that he transfer to the infantry, to which I can only presume Winston replied: “Suck it.” Whatever his exact words, he stayed in the cavalry for some time until he got bored—again I can only assume because he was too bitching at everything for his regiment to handle—at which point he became a journalist and war-correspondent. Even more awesome (if such a thing could be possible) Churchill then went to Cuba to follow a conflict between Spain and the Cuban rebels, where he learned about cigars. His response was reportedly to blow smoke in the face of the Spanish General Ramon de Not-As-Mind-Blowing-as-Churchill. As history has taught us, this ended the war then and there.

But while his early life was too grandiose for words, it was Churchill’s later life that cemented his place as history’s greatest badass. You see, Churchill’s greatest quality was this: he was fucking hilarious. Yes, Churchill played a central role in the defeat of the Axis powers and the preservation of Great Britain beyond the bombing of London. But all of that nonsense pales in comparison to his rollicking contributions to insult comedy.

This image was captured moments after Churchill listed off the gut-wrenchingly filthy sexual activities he had engaged in with Stalin's mother

Though Churchill’s insults can — and do — fill entire books, some of them stick as even more groin-grabbingly funny than others. When asked about his opinion of Neville Chamberlain (who some of you may remember as the dickwad who tried appeasing the Nazis as British Prime Minister before Churchill), Old Winston had this to say: “He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe.” In other words: “That dude is a shitface.”

On cultured people, tubby had this to say: “Cultured people are merely the glittering scum which floats upon the deep river of production.” What a baller.

Still, as funny as Churchill was in general, he had two particular adversaries with whom he had supreme moments of insulting hilarity: Lady Nancy Astor, member of Parliament and second-class comic, and playwright George Bernard Shaw.

We’ll start with Shaw. Both intellectuals (Shaw of the kind that actually does things of artistic and literary merit, and Churchill of the kind that makes fun of those things), the two often enjoyed exchanging witticisms. Shaw, no real fan of Churchill’s, thought it might be funny to send Winston a pair of tickets to Shaw’s newest play, Major Barbara. Accompanying the tickets was a short note: “Have reserved two tickets for opening night. Bring a friend, if you have one.”

Now, at this point, any lesser man would have accepted the truly hilarious burn at face value. Not Chubby Churchill. He wired back—in a moment where even God himself spit out his top ramen in laughter—”Cannot possibly come first night, will attend second, if there is one.”

Awesome.

Onto adversary number two: Lady Astor. The two had a long legacy of mocking one another, Astor for Churchill’s rampant alcoholism and obesity, Churchill for Astor’s general bitchiness. Who can forget this exchange:

He usually only needed one of those fingers to properly express himself

Astor: If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.

Again, awesome. But these clashes of wits pale in comparison to a later insult. One particular evening, Churchill came to a party visibly drunk and irate, so much so that a Mrs. Bessie Braddock quite publicly remarked, “Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!” But Winston, drunk or not, knew a challenge when he heard one. After shouting “Challenge Accepted!” he looked the offending woman in the eye (or chest, as Churchill was not one for manners) and said: “Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”

So yeah, no one rocked the house like Winston.

Some more Churchill insults for your consideration:

  • Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
    Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.
  • [Referring to Arthur Balfour] If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job.
  • The British Prime Minister after single-handedly clearing Juno Beach during D-Day

  • Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
    Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
    Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
    Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
    Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

And now for the winner:

  • [Referring to Charles De Gaulle] He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath.

Josh Kopel