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Tag Archives: Alito

US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

1 Apr
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

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Supreme Court Power Rankings

28 Jun

Post-season rankings of the Supreme Court after one of the most crucial and contentious terms in the Court’s history.

Have you never seen a pair of amicus briefs before?

1. John Roberts
This man can charm the pants off anybody, anytime, anywhere. With a chin chiseled by angels and piercing blue eyes that are practically begging to undress you, the Chief Justice has us all wondering just what’s underneath that robe. After going rogue to uphold the ACA, it remains unclear if the Chief Justice John “Sexypants” Roberts will go forward tonight with his usual barroom pickup line of “Want to hammer my gavel?” or try out something new, like “Hey there baby. You look uninsured, but boy oh boy do I have an individual mandate for you!”

2. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
The Court’s oldest Justice goes hard in the paint. At an age when most other Americans are more concerned with driving 40 mph on the highway and shuttleboard, Ginsburg is holding up the liberal wing of the Court like it’s 1972. Right now, Ginsburg’s only concern is that her bff Kennedy isn’t so angry about today’s 5-4 decision that he calls off their annual end-of-term celebratory body shot of tequila on the Supreme Court steps.

3. Anthony Kennedy
The Court’s 5-time MVP is also it’s biggest tease, flaunting himself to both liberals and conservatives like a sorostitute five shots deep on Birthday Cake Smirnoff on a Thursday night. But just like that one Zeta you were hooking up with for like five minutes before she went to a different frat knows exactly what she wants, so too does Tony Kennedy: Liberty, free speech, Alito to stop referring to him as a “swinger,” and for somebody to please for the love of God explain the Citizens United ruling to him.

No other human on the planet has been described as “acerbic” as much as Scalia.

4. Antonin Scalia
You remember that one smarmy douchebag who was in your AP U.S. History class? Well, if he isn’t Ross Packingham, then chances are he’s just like Antonin Scalia, who also probably hasn’t been laid since Junior Prom. This may or may not be due to the Justice’s penchant for wearing a wig and tri-corner hat, grabbing his musket and quill, and pretending it’s 1787 on the weekends.

5. Sonia Sotomayor
Despite her numerous judicial strengths on the bench, Sotomayor continues to struggle with her biggest weakness: Insisting that she is a member of the Sharks, and refusing to speak to any members of the infamous Jet gang. This obsession reached a tipping point last week, when she nearly knifed Kennedy in a rumble.

6. Stephen Breyer
Still liberal. Still old. Still boring.

7. Samuel Alito
Alito suffered a major setback to his overall standings during Monday’s ruling on Arizona’s immigration law, when the Justice could not get Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” out of his head, and started humming it just as Scalia delivered his dissent. Although his misstep drew sharp glances from his peers, it was a welcome reprieve from Alito’s usual favorite, Chingy’s “Right Thurr.”

Moments before going on a beer run to get more High Life for the Court.

8. Elena Kagan
Kagan’s still an untested rookie, eager to prove herself after being redshirted for much of the term due to her earlier work as Solicitor General. It doesn’t help that she bears the brunt of the Court’s hazing policies, which include having to take a shot every time the Chief Justice says the word “remanded” and carrying Ginsburg’s cancer medication for her.

9. Clarence Thomas
Thomas seems uninterested in doing much to improve his Supreme Court ranking. In fact, he seems uninterested in the Supreme Court in general.

If the Supreme Court was like the BCS…

27 Jun

One is a shadowy coalition of aging individuals who wield tremendous power and influence over an American institution, untethered by the popular will of the people or sheer common sense. The other is the BCS. What if the Supreme Court modeled itself after the Bowl Championship Series?

PLAYOFFS!?!? You’re talking about PLAYOFFS???

Skyrocketing CNN Ratings
People will immediately start paying attention to the bedraggled news network after the Court’s BCSification for the first time since, what, O.J. Simpson took a joyride? CNN will probably kick things off with two hours of live broadcasts from the National Mall for SCOTUS GameDay brought to you by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, a legal entertainment show featuring highlights and predictions about the day’s constitutional adjudication from a renowned cast that includes Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, Lee Corso, Richard Posner, Paul D. Clement, and token babe with a microphone renowned journalist Erin Andrews. After SCOTUS GameDay comes to a close with Lee Corso wearing a mask of whichever justice he thinks will write the majority opinion, expect CNN to bring its viewers inside the courtroom to see the Supreme Court nine, too tempted by the promise of television revenue to maintain their no-camera policy, decide this nation’s fate in prime time. Tweens’ hearts will throb as the Chief Justice John “The Sledgehammer” Roberts disassembles decades of precedent, and old men will look at Justice Stephen Breyer and reminisce about the good old days, when being a liberal meant something and the best judges in the land served the highest court. Expect downsides to the television exposure as well, including seeing what Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg looks like in high definition, a page-shaving controversy regarding the length of judicial opinions, and Justice Clarence Thomas’ endorsement deal with Ambien.

Unnecessary Roughness
Now that America’s refs have entered the big time, they better clean up their game. Look for the Court to ixnay any lingering American laws or policies that constitute cruel or unusual punishment, like the death penalty, immigration law, or the past decade of Adam Sandler movies. Not that anything will keep Scalia from taking as many smug smarmy-ass cheap shots as he can. Or Thomas from getting flagged with illegal contact…

Future Chief Justice Tiffani

Decline of the Ivies
Just as Yale, Princeton, and the rest of the Ivy League slowly lost their competitive monopoly on college football, the Ivy League’s iron-fisted control over the Supreme Court will dissipate as the field broadens to include legal powerhouses like University of Southern California, Louisiana State University, Alabama University, and Texas Christian University — currently unranked in pre-season law school power rankings after having produced a combined 0 Supreme Court justices (can you say sleeper!?). Just as college football benefited from a diverse array of competition that infused the sport with new traditions and rivalry, it probably wouldn’t hurt this country if the nine people sitting in a room making some of our nation’s most important decisions did not all come from academic backgrounds like this.

Arbitrary Rulings
To be fair, the BCS and the Supreme Court really aren’t too far away from one another on this one. When you think about it, rulings on pass interference and maritime law are pretty damn subjective. I still wonder what would have happened in Bush v. Gore if a national champion had been crowned by using an algorithm that weighed two different polls and six computer ranking systems, but I know for a fact that Ralph Nader would definitely be the Boise State in that hypothetical situation.

Free Speech
This Court loves expanding first amendment protections almost as much as Justice Alito loves whipping the other justices with a wet towel in the Supreme Locker Room after a long hard day of hearings (I presume). Excessive Celebration penalties will be the first to go, giving way to the tantalizing possibility of Justice Kagan and Justice Sotomayor performing the chicken dance every time they pull off a victory. Kennedy, meanwhile, will probably be selling off all the naming rights he can to the highest bidders, until TD Ameritrade’s logo is emblazoned on all of the Justice’s robes as they walk into the U.S. Cellular Courthouse.

If the Court is a rockin, don’t come a knockin.

Give the people what they want
After a decade and a half of bitching, the BCS finally figured things out. Their solution isn’t perfect, but it’s a step in the right direction. A college playoff is the product of consensus building in order to satisfy the clearly expressed will of the people — fans and authorities coming together with the realization that the current system is broken and needs to be overhauled. Tomorrow, I certainly wouldn’t mind if the Supreme Court acted a bit more like the BCS and came together to uphold a less-than-perfect solution to the more-than-troubling health care dilemma facing this nation, a law that is the democratic product of the express will of the people. Much like a college football playoff system.